Sometimes it seems things come out of no where. I take that back I always know that they are there I think that sometimes I am shocked that they bother me more than others. I mean I can watch pretty much any movie and its no big deal. Truth is sometimes I even watch those rough things thinking that somewhere I am going to be able to find the answers or that one phrase that is going to ease my heart and make everything ok. Then today the movie hit me. And I feel myself not being able to catch my breathe, not being able to move and my mind goes way back to the things that have happened to me. I don't understand how not to do that its so automatic, and the fear that is still there. I am safe in my own house and every moment of terror of pain is still in my bones. Today I didn't expect it at all and it caught me off guard and I feel like I have a hundred thousand pounds of rock right on my chest. The last week its happened almost every day, the panic attacks. The freezing, the feelings of those exact moments. The fear oh my goodness I am still more than afraid of him. I know he isn't coming down the hall or hurting me, I know that as a 42 year old but my heart remembers, my body remembers, and my mind keeps everything on replay trying to figure out what it is that I could have done different. What a place to live. It seems I move so far ahead then get stuck in the same muck. Things are different I am stronger than I have ever been yet that stinking sad is there regardless. And I really don't understand. I am learning what I want and I don't want to settle for second. So many relationships are changing and I am scared what if they change so much and i end up with none, its not like they are coming out of the wood work to be my friend, you know. I hate that I feel so much and question everything and I want more than anything to be someones first and to matter and I want people to think of me and see if I am ok. I just want people not even to get who I am but smile and accept it, just let me be you know. I don't fit into any circles really and that is hard. I just really don't know. I am me and that is different I am my own person that is different and strange and feeling and would do anything for you. The anxiety right now is so huge and I don't understand.
Sometimes it seems things come out of no where. I take that back I always know that they are there I think that sometimes I am shocked that they bother me more than others. I mean I can watch pretty much any movie and its no big deal. Truth is sometimes I even watch those rough things thinking that somewhere I am going to be able to find the answers or that one phrase that is going to ease my heart and make everything ok. Then today the movie hit me. And I feel myself not being able to catch my breathe, not being able to move and my mind goes way back to the things that have happened to me. I don't understand how not to do that its so automatic, and the fear that is still there. I am safe in my own house and every moment of terror of pain is still in my bones. Today I didn't expect it at all and it caught me off guard and I feel like I have a hundred thousand pounds of rock right on my chest. The last week its happened almost every day, the panic attacks. The freezing, the feelings of those exact moments. The fear oh my goodness I am still more than afraid of him. I know he isn't coming down the hall or hurting me, I know that as a 42 year old but my heart remembers, my body remembers, and my mind keeps everything on replay trying to figure out what it is that I could have done different. What a place to live. It seems I move so far ahead then get stuck in the same muck. Things are different I am stronger than I have ever been yet that stinking sad is there regardless. And I really don't understand. I am learning what I want and I don't want to settle for second. So many relationships are changing and I am scared what if they change so much and i end up with none, its not like they are coming out of the wood work to be my friend, you know. I hate that I feel so much and question everything and I want more than anything to be someones first and to matter and I want people to think of me and see if I am ok. I just want people not even to get who I am but smile and accept it, just let me be you know. I don't fit into any circles really and that is hard. I just really don't know. I am me and that is different I am my own person that is different and strange and feeling and would do anything for you. The anxiety right now is so huge and I don't understand.
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