I heard this poem for the first time on Tuesday night and the tears came quick, and wrecked me. Once again I feel as if I am in this huge black hole that I have worked so hard to get out of, and yet here I am again. I get more than frustrated with myself, and feel that a huge bat would be a better option. It seems that I am a slow learner and hold on to things as if my life depended on them. I hold on for dear life to people, to things, to the terrible awful and My heart my heart still hurts. I don't feel for the person, that little innocent girl that was so hurt, Why can't I get that. I hold little Callahan to standards that even adults can't live up too. I get so frustrated that all the trauma all those awful things live in my bones. They are as much a part of my everyday as breathing!!!! Picture Central Expressway.....I am in the middle and as fast as the cars are speeding by going to work and living life, the other side replays the things that have happened to me. It's all that clear ALL.....THE.....TIME..... and both sides of the highway are clear as can be and as confusing as you can imagine.Honestly if I could just merge them you know. Then I could move forward live my life and then on the days when things get heavy and they stare me down there would be energy to take care of them then move on. It's the constant memory , the constant pictures, the constant fear that exhaust me.
I
I walk down the street
there is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in
I am lost.....I am helpless
It isn't my fault
It takes me forever to find my way out.
II
I walk down the same street
there is a deep hole in the same sidewalk
I pretend that I don't see it
I fall in again
I can't believe I am in the same place
but it isn't my fault
It still takes time to get out
III
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it is there.....I still fall in it's a habit
my eyes are open
I know where I am
it is my fault
I get out immediately
IV
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it
V
I walk down another street
I am trying more than hard to figure out where I am. I think that I am stuck somewhere between chapter two and three. There are days I totally feel like I am in the second chapter and then there are times like I feel like I am in the third. I want more than anything just to feel better to let go. To have some worth. I hold on to the things that have happened thinking well if I did have worth why in the world would so many people hurt me so badly. I have the hardest time grasping that. In my head it makes sense, I understand I was little that I didn't want any of those things. In my head I hear that and think yes. Then this heart of mine, feels so much less than. My heart doesn't feel worthy. My mind doesn't feel worthy and my body feels more than worthless.. I struggle with all of the things in my head and trying to see beyond them and find my worth. Worth is such a strange thing, and for me seems so out of reach. I can see my worth in the outside things, being a teacher, being a mom. But yet the inside things; the things that I carry in my heart those are things that I feel have made me unworthy. Unworthy of everything, love, friendship, all of it. I am the one that everyone says that they like, that I am kind and people like to have around yet I am the one that is always forgotten. I am the one that always likes more, always loves more and always gets forgotten more. People always mean more to me than I ever mean to them and sometimes I want to be the favorite , I want to be the one that isn't forgotten. I want to get to chapter 5 and it not to matter that I am forgotten. I want the things that have happened to find their place and I want to be proud that I made it, I want to be proud of how far I have come and know how very hard that I worked to get there.
I heart your heart.
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