What do I want ?

Yes this is more than rough I can tell you all the things that I don't want.  I can tell you all the ways that I don't want to be that I don't want to get in the way  don't want to be a pest I don't want to be a Burden,I don't want to take too much time I don't want to be a bother I don't want to waste your time, I don't want to sound stupid I don't want others t feel bad for me I don't want to be an outsider I don't want to have such a heavy life.  I don't want to be the odd ball the one that is never understood. I don't always want to be the quiet one, and I also don;t want to say the wrong things I could go on and on.....there are so many things that I don't want to be ......And I more than worry that telling people the things that I do want  are just way to much to ask.

And I think the things that I do want, I feel more than needy.  I feel like the things that I want that I long for are to much to ask.  When I reach out and have asked for the things that I have needed most often my needs have not been met.  I think for me even basic needs being met make me feel like I am asking for too much.  I long for safety.  I want to be safe and know that where ever I go and whatever I do that I am able to keep myself safe and sound.  I have had it a few times but nothing that has lasted .  I am never saying its never been, I have known it a few times but then just like that I become overwhelming and my needs and my wants don't match theirs and I become unimportant and forgotten.  I just want to find a place where I belong where I fit in, where I am given space to be me, where I am loved and cared for just because of the person that I am not what anyone else wants me to be. I want people to listen to me and even try to understand where I am coming from.  I want the things that I am interested in and believe in to be taken seriously.  I want my heart to be heard, I want my heart to be taken care of.  Those that are close to or even those that know my story I want them to be genuine and understand , they don't have to be careful around me but they must be mindful.  There are things that are always going to pierce my heart things that have left wounds  that are sometimes open, I want people to be aware and give me space give me comfort and just be if I need it.  I have to say that lately I have reached out and I have been received more warmly than I ever imagined.  So I can say that now in this moment I have a place, its worrying though ; that this place will go away that I will become to much, that I will need to much that I will   take to much time and  be seen as a burden. I fear that more than anything. I understand that not everyone can always be there.  I just want that when I ask that someone please show up.  Because it takes more than you can imagine for me to even ask, I do not ask lightly, I ask if my heart depends on it, and that is the only time I ask.  I am often shocked at myself when I do reach out because so many times I have asked for help, I have asked for even simple things but that is too much.  I NEVER EVER want to bother anyone I just want to be important and to be special to someone for someone to care enough to hold my hand when I am going through hard things and someone who will laugh with me and the things I find funny.  I want someone that I can share my life with, even a forever friend that will be there that I know I can count on.  Those are the things that I want and at 44, I fear that asking for that forever person is something that is not meant for me but do I want that at least something like that more than ever I do .  That person who says get up I am taking you out, that person who comes over and watches my favorite movie because they know it will make me laugh.  That person who thinks of my love of whales and sends me a little hello.  Those are the things that make my heart happy and those are the things that I want from this life.  I want someone that asks how my heart is every now and then when they know things are rough.  I want someone to care for my heart and be more than kind and even more gentle.  I often feel like no matter what I do I can't win.  And once, just once with out a doubt I want to win, I want to be the favorite I want my heart taken care of, I want my very own place with my very own friends where I fit in for the crazy  kind spunky crazy passionate person that I am .  That I fear is all too much to ask. And  I can't believe that I still keep fighting even when each time I am left I feel a little more broken than before.  For once in this life I want someone to leave me better than before.

I heart your heart

I heart your heart.