I don't even know what it is that I am going to write. There are so many things inside my head and I know that my brain moves much faster than my hand. I am sad, I am hurt I want to curl up in a ball and scream at the world to stop until I can figure things out until my heart doesn't hurt anymore. I am sad that I am always forgotten I am sad that I don't mean enough for people to check on me. Today I feel the weight of that little 5 year old and I am afraid. My heart hurts. Today I finally watched Off The Record and ...I am not sure that I have the right words to express what that meant for me. As hard as it was I would give anything to be back in that room with those people and just be me. To cry and to feel and to share and to be valued. Just be able to share and to cry and to ask questions. Just to feel like I wasn't alone. I wasn't alone in that room, they were all there carrying the weight of the things that my father had done to me, I for once wasn't carrying it all alone. Those people were my witness to all that was and all the things that should not have been. They were there, they heard my heart and were angered by the way I was treated; the things that happened . There were a few moments I looked up and there were tears in everyone's eyes and I felt like what happened to me mattered. They were sad, they wished that things were different they could see the hurt little girl and how she deserved so much more out of life. They were proud of the choices that I made to keep little Angela safe. I felt all of those things that day while we were filming. Those people were there in my hurt and they didn't run away they didn't think less of me, and they wanted to do things differently. I miss that feeling every single day.
When we got back to the hotel room, Neil wasn't able to stay and he took my face in his hands and with tears in his eyes thanked me and told me how brave that I was. Because I hate my face, its dirty and unclean and gross and he cared enough and took my face ever so gently into his hands and I leaned in, I was safe, and that comfort from a man is something I have never known. that moment meant the world and will stay with me forever. I gave him a hug and I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to loose the feelings of the day, and I said goodbye. I was crying more than hard as I walked into the hotel lobby and I remember crying out why couldn't I have had a nice dad like that, I watched him drive away . I couldn't breathe and I couldn't talk. There were sounds that I am not sure were human I felt such a loss for all the things that I didn't have. I knew I was a woman but I wanted to hold on and beg him not to go. I just went upstairs trying to fit all that had happened into my head . I had never in my life felt so cared for. These people were something special. This people knew my heart and were going to take care of it .
And my sweet friend Valerie. She was so genuine, so real. She talked to me like no one had. She had an understanding that I had never experienced. Sometimes you can't put a relationship to words and that is her. She was everything, she took care of me, she gave me advice she told me things that I needed to hear. She listened and heard. She was my voice, she was everything that I needed. She was careful with my heart and made sure that it was taken care of. The first second that she thought it wasn't she was right there to make things right. She will forever be my dear friend. She never forgets me and always sends that message that hello and lets me know that I am important that I am cared for. She loves me just for me no strings attached. She is the person that I have needed all my life.
I know from them I learned that its OK to get back up. I am still learning from every interaction with them. They have said that I am a part of the family and that doesn't go away. The family that I never felt that I had, not for me. They are everything and I so look forward to the day, to see them again to be in their presence, to laugh to cry to be held. They are everything I ever needed . I can only imagine that is what it would be like if I had grown up in a family being able to feel those good things. I am grateful they made me feel valued and important. I mattered the things that happened to me mattered. So on this hard day , they are remembered and I will forever hold them in my heart.
I heart your Heart.
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