This is the day of the big pink elephant in the room

So many things that I wish for today. So many things that will never be said will never be spoken. I think about all of the dads that I know. Ones that have helped my heart ones that are no longer around. My own father that is nothing that a father should be.  I feel like today is one of those days when  there is a huge pink elephant in the room for me.  There is soo much meaning, yet no meaning at all. So many feelings and yet none of them will be acknowledged, or seen  none of them will be heard.  No one will call and see if I am OK. I will get no messages that anyone is thinking of me.  I will make excuses and that is fine but really it isn't.  I understand that people have their own families,  Me asking to be remembered is too much.  I understand that I am not important, that how this day affects me isn't important to anyone really and I just have to try and make the best out of the day. Even in my own home, nothing will be acknowledged.  Not one word will be spoken about my heart or my experiences of the day.

Even my own mother.  She will be working then is going to a cook out with her friend to celebrate father's day. I was asked if I wanted to go and yea that is not at all how I want to spend the day.  Better to be in my space and able to process where I am then being in another space and pretending all is well.  Believe me I am grateful for the time I will have in my house being able to just be me, I just wish that there was some acknowledgement of how I feel and what this day means to me.  I guess if no one in my house house acknowledges the day for me how can I expect anyone else that isn't in my family to acknowledge the day for me.

I have spent a few fathers day's with Amy and James and that meant the world then there are times, most times I don't hear from them at all.  I usually say happy father's day to James but this year I think why ?  I did last year and I got a Thanks you too.....but wait I am not a father, there was no acknowledgment of me.  I guess that is OK, no it i not ok but that is the way that it is, and it still hurts.  Once again my heart won't be acknowledged, by those that were my favorites that knew me better than anyone.

I wonder about Bob, does he think of us on this day does he think about the things that he has done does he get comforted by those that are around him because we are the terrible children that has kicked him out of their lives.  Does he cry?  Is he sorry does he wish that he did things different ? Does he think of the father's days when I would do everything in my power to make him feel special and supported and wanted does he remember those things ? Does he remember how much that I loved him and how hard that I tried t make him happy?  I want his heart to hurt today. I want his heart to hurt knowing that its because of the things that he choose to do to me before I had the chance to truly live that he is no longer in our lives, no longer a dad to anyone. The things I think about on this day are his funeral, wondering how I will find out, who will be there what will he look like, will I cry will I poke him making sure that he is truly dead.  Wondering if I will be able to make it, I can't even express the relief knowing that he will no longer be able to hurt anyone anymore.  I want to see him in a casket, and I want to pile the dirt myself.  I want to speak to the people that are there telling them the monster of a man that he is. I want to dance on his grave, giving my heart the freedom that it never had when he was alive.  I want to dance like no one is watching then fly to DC and be with my people, those that will hold me up as I cry in relief in pain and know that I can finally breathe.  Come back see Mark and be able to tell him all about it and the peace that I will feel, the freedom and the relief from the pain and breathe easy, hold little Callahan and tell her that its all over, she doesn't have to be afraid anymore. He is gone, hopefully in a place where he will suffer and hurt.  Those are the things that  I think on this day. On the way to work on Thursday I thought that I saw him behind me, and the feeling the entire day was awful, my heart was racing and I was more than scared.  Even after al this time even the thought of him being in a car next to me was absolutely terrifying.  I am not sure that I have shaken that feeling yet, it was so real and made me entire being want to fly away and never come back.

  For Vincent and Mariska I wonder what they think and feel about this day. Theirs is a different situation, and there are no rules on what to do.   I am going to take the time today and check on their hearts make sure they are in a good place.  I will acknowledge the day for them so that they know I am here if they need me.  Because what they are thinking and feeling is important . I want to acknowledge whatever it is that they might be feeling and just listen, hear their heart.  Even if they can't express I can just be and hold space for them because I can not imagine the things that they might think and feel.

A huge piece for me is the acknowledgement.  I am never acknowledged, on the hard days.  This day will be no different than all the others and it might hurt a little more that today Father's are to be celebrated. My heart is not seen in the everyday and I honestly don't know how to make that different.  If I don't have enough worth to be remembered and worthy on a normal day why would this day be any different. I just need others to make sure I am OK. On days like this there might always be a huge pink elephant in the room; in my heart; in everything because there is never any acknowledgement what so ever.

Lately I am trying to refocus and instead of the things that I don't want focus on what I do and I want to be acknowledged.  I want people to see me and know that I am not always ok. I want people to see me and make sure that I am OK.  I want to be important enough for someone to send a quick text telling me that they are thinking of me.  I want someone to ask if my heart is OK. I want someone to care enough to remember me.  Those are the things that I want those are the things that are obviously too much to ask for.

I heart your heart.