Rear View Mirror

 I so struggle with this and am often not very kind to myself.  You know people say you can't keep looking back and that makes so much sense.  I hear those words and think of coarse!   I mean of coarse you are moving forward in life growing learning changing and I know that when you look at the things behind you all the time....there is a sense of being stuck of not being able to move forward in some ways.  I think one of my biggest fears is people telling me or even thinking that I am dwelling on all the things that have happened in my life.  That fear is more than HUGE. I don't want to be that poor me person sitting in the corner crying about the things that have happened. I don't want to be that person that is unable to move forward because they are so stuck in the past.  And at the same time I feel like there are things that are completely out of my control I want to run forward and do life; there are things that keep me exactly where I do not want to be and that is in the past.  My body; my physical body may be moving forward but my mind and my heart are still trying to survive and all they see is the hurt and the pain and the utter evil from the past and they are desperately trying to figure it out.  They struggle to keep up with the part that knows moving forward in life is such a necessity. But I feel so distant, like I am not even in my own skin sometimes, and that makes living in the present sometimes, always often very difficult.

I guess call it C-PTSD, PTSD  call it whatever you want, but my body lives as if the things that have happened to me are still happening . I re-live them in my head, almost every second, every minute every hour  trying to make them better, figure them out, trying to make things come out a different way , I have to fight all the time.  I think there is a part of my brain that doesn't understand that's its all over.  My brain feels like those things are still happening, my body is/was a war zone.  The rapes are over, that assaults, the torture, the pain, its all over; it was a very long time ago. In my head I know all the things to say and feel , I can understand that I can never change things, never make them different.  I understand in my head that I have already survived them there is no need to fight anymore.  That makes sense I know that, every part of that.


But my heart, My heart.

 I worry about this heart of mine because there is so much hurt and worry about being hurt again that I move forward doing life the only way that I know how.  My heart fights, trying to make everything make sense, trying to understand the unimaginable.  In my head I know  the things that I need to do; its so clear.  I understand what has happened as a 44 year old woman but my body, my soul  can't forget and often live in a place where its all still happening.   Things are not so clear for my heart. I see every picture every feeling every moment when I thought that I was going to die, when I wanted to die.  I remember all the hands everywhere, and there was nothing that I could do.  I remember the looks the words, the sounds that I heard and the way that things were messed up. I remember so very many little details that seem so insignificant and yet my mind replays them.  There are memories when I sleep and memories when I am awake.  It's so crazy making to know in my head that things are over, I am a woman , a mom and that I am safe.  And at the same time my body gets achy, my arms and legs fall asleep,  my mind goes back there wanting to understand. I wish that there was a picture to show all the ways that I know its over and yet all the ways that I relive it in every way.  When I was little the rapes were terrible , physically my body was in pain and to feel that as a 44 year old is unimaginable and I try to make sense of those feelings keep them in my head and tell myself that those things aren't happening anymore doesn't work.  Lately and since sharing my story my body hurts.   My hips hurt,  and I don't know what to do with that.  How after all this time do I still feel that?  How does my body still experience the physicality of the things that have happened.  I know that I have survived them but the things that I feel make me worry if I will make it, if I will come out whole on the other end.  There is literally nothing wrong, but my body remembers and that is more than hard to get my head around.  The days I can't brush my teeth, the days I can't be touched, the days that the dogs are on me and hurt more than you can imagine, my skin and bones literally hurt me.  I don't understand this part and this part keeps me looking back.   I get more than angry when the nightmares come and think I am sleeping how in the world am I supposed t make that stop!?!?  I run and run in my nightmares I get passed around, more hurt and there is nothing that I can do. I replay and replay events and people in so many different situations and all the time no one is there , And I have to do it all myself.  I somehow became the cleanup specialist, and no one ever noticed.  This is  the hardest piece, not wanting to be in your own skin. Because you are well aware of the things that do happen in your own skin.  There are parts that there are not even any words for,  and how do I heal those parts.  The parts that terrify me and I am not even sure why.  I so want to move forward and the nightmares, flashbacks, the memories, the smells the sounds all those things always keep me looking back trying to be safe. And I think times I have gotten close , there was always something that brought me right back to fighter.  I can remember once in IOP talking about one specific time and just talking that it felt like they were there forever,  So many little details are sketched in my brain, for once I was just talking about the whole experience.

  And I still remember her name she asked how long that he was there.  I said that I didn't know and she kind of chuckled and said well sex doesn't take that long.  I literally wanted to crawl in a hole. This had been happening to me since I was 5, how in the hell can I give you a specific time there is no frame of reference for me.  When someone is hurting your body in ways that you don't understand it feels like forever, and its crushing.  I hate when my body feels like it did then the pain is unimaginable and I can not get my head around surviving that.  I get really defensive when people talk about how its OK if your body responds.  No for me it isn't, that makes me just like them.  That sometimes, a body just does that,  because for me there is nothing but pain,  either pain or the things that that were doing were so painful that I went away. I was either watching outside myself, in the corner, on the ceiling making sure my animals were safe.  Anywhere was better than on my bed , his bed the floor anyplace was better than being where my little body was being torn in ways that I still can't put words on.  I already always hated being a girl anyway, I hated attention that I got I hated that I matured so early I hated that I had a body at all.  And as much as I try to forget those things that are in the rear view mirror there are pieces and bits and more pieces reminding me of all the ways I didn't win.  Talking about this part honestly is more than difficult, and breaks my heart.  I feel like I have so much to prove, I have to make people understand how terrifying that this all was.
 I have to prove and make people understand that the OK that you see on the outside is no where even close to OK. I promise that I am not being difficult, I am trying more than hard and as much as I want to heal there are pieces that pull me back. I don't know how to grab a hold of those pieces and make them go away.  Nothing that ever happened to me was important or ever meant anything.  Every abuse every rape, every hurt was just another day.  All those days all those times were never acknowledged , never important never taken care of and now here I am, trying to thrive and be a strong woman but my heart is in pieces feeling like I am a burden and a bother because I can't hold on to them anymore.   

I often think that maybe if I had known something else it would be easier to overcome, all I have ever known is survival and running.  There have been moments of peace, and I cherish those, and I cherish the people who have helped me find those moments but I need that in my everyday. When I do get it, that peace, that person who hears I hold on for dear life, because little Callahan sure can not do all this on her own.

What a huge piece.

I heart your heart.