The times I am most amazed

Today was one of those days, one of those weeks, and one of those  months.Its been a few really hard weeks.  Lots of feelings lots of things going on and I have felt every emotion and look and judgement that has come my way. I feel like I am different, I am hard to love and even think  I am realizing that some of the things meant for other people in life are not meant for me.  I think there is a reason that I fight , that I fight until there is nothing left of me.  I fight so hard Because I truly think that I believe in my bones that many good life things are not meant for me, so I must fight for others.  I will keep fighting for others so that they can know and feel the things that are not meant for me.  I feel too damaged to different, I am so much of an outlier,  So I think I hold on so tight,  to make sure that I never forget all those feelings, like that would even be an option, to give others all the things that I am not sure are meant for me.    I fight so hard to make sure that others don't have to feel the things I feel so deep.  I am not even sure if this makes sense but it does to me.  I have a list of things I desperately want even need  that could encompass the globe but yet think for me its impossible.  Impossible for someone to truly love all the pieces of me.  I am not saying that I have given up for me,  the things that keep me going are the things I fight so that others will never know the deepest of sadness, and the horror of horrors.  That is why I fight.  So no person that I am involved with ever feels alone.  That is why I fight. 

Things I know things I have felt, things I hope to feel someday . 

A post about my someday and maybe even hopefully. 

These things are my heart.

And I don't know where to go from here.

I heart your heart . 

I am not a viable wife

I heard someone say this and my heart sank.  This fits me.  I am not a viable wife,  no I am not.  I feel too broken I feel too needy I feel like the things that have happened have made me something other than wife materiel.  I feel like I will never be loved and never know what its like for someone to care for my heart in my own home.  To wake up from the nightmares and someone to hold me tight until it all feels ok again.  For someone to gently touch my face because they see strength and beauty.  For someone to hold my hand and give a little extra squeeze to know that they are there by my side.  To have someone to sit with and watch my favorite show to have someone who will pass the tissue and it make no difference in how he loves. To have someone say I love you because of my love for whales or look at my heart and think I never want to be anywhere else.  To come home to dinner made and lovely candles on.  To take the kids out for presents because of the special person that you are.  To say he loves you across the hall just because he can.  Someone who holds me a little tighter on those anniversaries that tear my heart.  To want to keep me safe and sound and show me with their words and actions.  When the memories come and I can't see anything else, but  its not seen a problem , he just sits in my space and lets me know I am not so alone and he is here now.

I want all those things and yet I am not a viable wife.  I am not sure that those things exist I am not sure,  I can be loved I am not sure that I am worth all the things that I long for.  Sometimes I worry about what will happen when I get old.  My children will have their own lives and there will just be me. I wish there was a way to stop the longing the ache the pain of things that I feel that  are just not made for me. 

   I heart your heart.