I feel very raw

 

There are so many feelings going on. It's as though my heart is entirely too big for my chest.  The tears are too heavy to contain, and my body feels the ache of all the things that all the tears are about. There is a quiet heaviness, in all the things. It's more than hard to explain and I am not sure that any words are going to even come close to explaining what is in my heart.  I think that each time I speak there is a level of healing.  There is a different level of understanding of comprehension of why I am the way that I am. It is crazy that each time. there is a different realization about the things that have happened to me and how I have been treated.  Each time I speak brings a different level of sadness and pain.  Not in an awful way, but an honest and true way.  I have never been allowed to feel about so much that went on, and maybe there is a part of me that is just catching up.  I found a poem this morning talking about a broken heart.  They were comparing it to a broken arm.  At least with a broken arm, it's visible. They can give you a cast for 12 weeks then the bone is healed everyone signs your cast and well wishes are given.  But there is no cast that can be placed on a broken heart.  There is nothing visible that anyone on the outside can see. You just keep walking around like everyone else, and no one can see how truly broken that your heart is.  I think maybe that is perfect to explain where my heart is right now.  There are so many good things that I am more than grateful for. I never for a second want to downplay that I live in an amazing house, I have all my bills paid.  On the outside, things are taken care of.  It's just my insides that need some work.  That's the thing I am working on them, it's just that they are complicated and often confusing and have so many different moving parts. 

Yesterday I thought I smelled my mother.  That Wiff of her perfume, just walking in the hall. It caught me off guard.  The relief is so great, I see her pictures and it just aches.  She didn't like me or the person that I was. I wish that she could see me now and have an appreciation for all that I have accomplished and how far that I have come .  Truth is, she didn't see me while she was here, so wishing for her to see me now, would probably make things worse. She could never appreciate my heart, she never understood, how I saw the world. She was unable to understand the hardness and softness of who I was. 

It was my brother's birthday July 9th. I stopped texting when I realized that there was not going to be a response.  But it was his birthday, I just sent a happy Birthday in a text. Still nothing, no response. He has chosen not to have any contact, which I do not understand.  He is the one that is 100 beneficiary. He couldn't see the hurt that it caused or understand that it had zero to do with the money. I guess it takes me awhile, it's hard to realize that I have zero family that I can count on that are there for me. 

I will start teaching again in a few weeks and there is a sense of dread, it's there if even a little.  I just don't fit in, and I am not sure that I really want to.  I will go do my job then work on the things that I love that will get me to where I want to be.  I am super focused on my next steps, working really hard in grad school to help others. I know that this is the place I must be in the meantime, but that doesn't make it any easier. I hate that those in authority in prior positions have left me with a dread and a worry that I am doing things wrong all the time. I am just completely burnt out, that makes me more than sad.  I want to love it, like when I worked with Stacey, I felt seen heard and understood.  I wanted to go to work. I am not seen or understood by my team, more often than not I am brushed aside, and that is hard.  I  am really good at what I do, and my ideas are not heard.  I am there for my little friends and will continue to do that, a hard place for a heart to be. 

Then of course there is the conference.  That brings a certain rawness in itself. It's exciting to get to share and find meaning in the things that have happened to me.  I look forward to meeting new people who are as passionate as I am about making a difference for others.  It's amazing how I put that brave face on, and behind the scenes there is still an ache. Each time I have spoken there is a sad moment.  It's only a few moments, I won't let it be any bigger, but there is a sad in how I was treated. There are still pieces that long to be different, that are difficult for even me to understand.  For me there is almost a sense that I have to present, like pressing charges. Foe me there is an I have to.  I have to speak so that others can understand and can make a difference.  I think there needs to be an understanding of what those that have suffered trauma need from their therapists.  I look forward to the day when it's less about my story and more about doing the best for clients. Presenting is a feeling of life in so much darkness.  Presenting is a chance for others not to have to experience the things that I have. 

I don't know there is just a very raw feeling, I am open wide, healing myself, speaking to heal others and all the while learning to help others in their healing.    It's a lot.  I wouldn't want it any other way. And I have to honor exactly where I am.  

I heart your heart.