I want 30 minutes

 

I am in a place that I have never been before. I want 30 minutes in a room with each of the people who chose to look the other way while I was suffering alone and in silence. I want that time to rage, to point fingers to scream at the top of my lungs and tell them how their actions have affected me.  Some of them are family, some are counselors, some are just people who didn't give a shit.  I just want that time to tell them how they affected my heart and the lasting impact that their lack of care caused.  

I woke up this morning with this feeling, like I have never had before.  I think part of it was cleaning out more of my mother's things, part of it is being ignored by my brother.  Part of it, is that so many have pretended to be something that they are not, and I have been left to deal with the damage. 

I saw a saying this morning that hit me like a ton of bricks.  When a loved one dies it feels like a part of us dies with them.  I do not believe that to be true for myself. When my mother died, there were pieces of me that came back to life.  It is so incredibly hard saying that.  I would not be where I am today if she was still alive.  I would not be free; I would still feel like a girl slowly drowning while she looked on. She didn't know how to love me, and she didn't know how to let me rise.  She was a witness to the drowning and never reached out a hand.   She was not able to acknowledge my pain or the part that she played, and that had a devastating effect. It has been said that I was a co-spouse and that is the most gut wrenching of words. There was this competition that I never asked for, she would sometimes seem proud, but I just don't know if it was genuine.  The stronger I became the more she hated me. I only ever wanted her to love me unconditionally.

So today I am not ok.  And to make matters worse, I tried to talk to someone, and my heart was not heard.  And I am far too angry for it to even matter. Another wall put in place, our relationship is about her and that has to be ok, or I have to move on.  I am hitting exhaustion, but I fear the tears will come if I stop cleaning, fixing, making things look nice.  I am not ok, just not ok today. I feel like my wings are constantly being plucked, and I wish someone would stay and help them grow back. I am alone in this journey and that is never a fun place to be. I don't want to be alone anymore, and at the same time I don't know how not to be.  

I heart your heart.