1. We don't have words
2. We don't have the funds
3. We don't trust that our hearts will be cared for.
4. We don't have people that are willing to be a companion on our journey, finding that right fit.
5. Too many are too invested in the latest tool instead of being present.
6. Experienced more harm by those supposed to be helping. Have to be Competent.
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One of the first barriers that survivors face is being able to find the words to even describe the things that we are feeling. For me there are many times that I don't have words, and I will go the long way around something that I need to discuss because I just don't have the words to describe what happened. It could be the actual event it could be, the feelings, it could be both of those things. Often, we need help finding the right words, and we are not stupid or trying to be difficult it's just that we don't know how to explain the things that happened to us and how they made us feel. For me that is where pictures, art, music and other words whether written or spoken have been so important. I can find a song that describes the feeling or see a poem that explains what is going on inside of me. I see a picture and think that is how I feel, that is what my insides feel like. Opening that up gives a counselor so much information about where we are. It takes time and you have to be able to explore the things that we can't yet talk about or feel.
All too often, others don't know how to care for us, so they don't and choose to look the other way. Or they try to help but then blame us when things aren't going the way that they planned. The way that "they" planned, there is a huge problem in that. In trauma nothing goes as planned and there needs to be a certain gentleness, we are strong but also fragile. I know that for me if I didn't find where I am now, I would still be falling through the cracks so very afraid of where I might land. It takes someone special to meet us where we are and join us on our journey. I truly believe that finally finding that for myself has allowed me to grow and get to the point where I am today. Trauma isn't a buzz word, it's something that affects many more than you can imagine. Those that do come to you for help and support, need you to be there, if you can't be there then find a different population to work with because the last thing that a trauma survivor needs is added wounds. Trauma is one of those things that people think they can take a class or two and be an expert. In my personal opinion, and experience that could not be further from the truth. It takes a heart for it and there are many that just are not cut out for it. That doesn't mean that they are not great counselors, I am sure many of them are, but it takes something special something different to help those that have been through the worst life has to offer. it takes someone who is able to sit with the dark that life has to offer, while holding a flashlight as proof that there is good out in the world. I have heard the worst things from the mouths of those that I went to for help. I have been treated so unkind and been left out in the cold. A good trauma therapist has to think about what they say and how they say it. They must be aware of all that is said an unsaid and have a gentleness about them.
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From personal experience here are just a few things I have encountered in my counseling journey. Some have come close to destroying me and left me wondering what in the world was I doing wrong. If it got to the point that I was asking for help, I more than needed someone. If I was asking for help, I was literally drowning and not in a great place. I needed someone to help not someone I would need to heal from. Here are some of the things that have been said to me.
Well, it sucks to be you, I was being compared to an alcoholic when talking about my nightmares.
I was asked how long they were there, when I said that it felt like a long time she laughed and said sex didn't take that long. The day that I came home from filming my documentary, the counselor sent an email telling me he was going to charge me going forward. There was another counselor that had me talking about the picture that was on the wall while I was being raped at 5, then said Well I will charge you from here on out, do you want to make an appointment. I was talking about being exhausted being a single mom and working full time she told me that I made my bed so lie in it. I was telling my story and the counselor gasped with each word I said. The counselor that old me that church was the only thing that was going to help me, that everything else was tried. There was the pastor that told my mother I should have kept my legs closed. There was the counselor that asked how many men were there for the gang rape. I said 5 and he continued talking to my father as if I didn't exist. There was the counselor, that suddenly remembered nothing when my case went to trial. The therapist that left me out in the cold saying that I needed a team. Talk about abandonment. So many things that there was no thought behind, and I was left more defeated than before I asked for help. It takes so much to go and ask for help and then to be treated, so badly creates more wounds more shame and more hate for ourselves. If we could just feel better, just pull ourselves up by our bootstraps we wouldn't have to ask for help. Trauma survivors need something gentle and safe. We have been through hell and back and if a person cannot meet us where we are then please don't add anymore hurt to already fragile hearts.
Another barrier is having the money to afford counseling. That is a huge barrier for far more people that you can possibly wrap your head around. Good therapy, therapy that helps you understand yourself and where you have come from is expensive. More often than not finding a competent therapist when you have little to no funds is close to impossible. When a person has a trauma history, there are so many roadblocks that they face. Often when coming from a trauma background the cards are often stacked against them from the earliest of life. We are behind in life in many areas and finances also fall into that category. I believe that a lot of complex traumas that start early on, puts the person behind in life. Being behind in all areas, socially, emotionally, financially, I mean all areas. There are aspects of this that deserve a great deal of research, and I am not a researcher. I can tell you that I should not be where I am today. I have had to fight my entire existence and that has gotten me here with a few therapists who went above and beyond. Helping when there was nothing for them to gain financially. I understand that counseling is a job, and that they have bills to pay and expenses in life. I understand that with my whole heart. I also know that sometimes people just need good people along the way who are willing to help and care. I am forever grateful to have found one of those counselors. And I can say that what I have received I will continue to pay it forward once I have my own practice. When you have been hurt your entire life and have someone willing to offer you kindness and support for the mere fact that you are important and deserve to be heard, is life changing. Even the counselors who decided to start charging me, it could have been done entirely different and my heart cared for more gently. I understand the need to charge, I understand that it is their job. There was no care for my heart in the situation and that is where I struggle. When dealing with emotions, and heart there needs to be a level of care. I felt abandoned in those cases, and it did so much more harm. I think there is a way for those things to be handled and if someone is working and are in the fight of their life, more consideration must be taken.
3 and 4 can be put together really. There is an aspect of trust that must be there. We have to believe that you as a therapist are going to care for our heart. I think with this profession there is defiantly a connectability factor. There are times when people just click. Sometimes there is just something that works between two people. Counseling is no different. I think trauma survivors often have a different sense and we know when someone is genuine, kind and truly cares. We also know when they are not. There has to be a trueness to what a person is saying, or things just won't work. Finding that right fit is so very important. Two counselors could say the same thing. One counselor can say the right things but have no connection behind it. While a different counselor may say the same thing with great connection and care and their words are going to mean the difference. The counselor from the rape crisis center when I was 13. She said the right words, but there was no feeling. For her they were words. What she was saying was just words, merely syllables put together the way that she was taught. I can speak words to myself all day, I need them to be important and mean something. She told me all the things that I shouldn't feel, and how it wasn't my fault. She was giving me a script and not listening to the things that were important to me. That is a huge difference. You have to be on this journey with us, there is no one size fits all. I just need you to be present, to be real and to listen to all the things I say and even the things I am unable to say.
I think that 5 is something that is really important. There is no one therapy or way of doing things that is going to work for everybody. I think it's awesome learning about new techniques and ways to do things. But believing in one thing to fix or heal a patient is thoughtless. More than once people said EMDR was perfect. The way to go that was going to heal and make me all better. I tried that and it was not for me. I don't like to be in my own skin and no one cared to dig deeper and find that out. As each client is different the therapies that are going to work for each client are different and that has to be respected. You have to look at the whole person and their experiences and where they have been. If a client like me who is uncomfortable in their own skin, distrustful and terrified is asked to close our eyes and imagine being in a stream, that just might not be the best option. I think it's about following your client and finding what they need instead of some buzz worthy new technique. Each new thing that comes out has its place and I am sure will help some. Please don't assume that the latest technique you have taken a class on is a catch all for everyone with trauma. I can bet that what we need most is that presence, honesty and realness. Some of those new things might work. We are so much more than the latest new technique. Some of them are very worth a try but if they don't work then that just means we need to try a different avenue, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Finally, there is a need for competence. I went to one counselor and every time I talked about my story, he would give the loudest gasp. I was shocked and left feeling like he was unable to hear my story. I felt bad that so much happened to me. I was the one that had done something wrong once again. He was kind, and trying but I knew that he was not competent or able to help me where I was. There was the counselor who when I hit a roadblock and was "stuck" on a particular area, he told me that the only thing that was going to fix me, was Church. He knew my trauma surrounding the church but that was his comment to me. I was more than upset and took it all on that I was doing something wrong. In not so many words he blamed me for where I was. Now I am able to see that it was more about him and his competence than where I was. There are going to be times in therapy when a trauma survivor does get stuck, does struggle but telling us that one thing is the only option to heal is thoughtless and cruel. Not to mention that the church doesn't fix everything. I never understood the idea of competence before my grad classes. In the beginning I was almost put off, like who are you to tell me I am not competent. When I was able to look deeper and make connections, there is a different understanding in what being competent means. Not everyone can help someone who has been severely traumatized. There is nothing wrong with that, but it's something a therapist needs to know. If a survivor scares you with what they have been through, then maybe a different population is for you. Different counselor for different people and that is ok. You have to know what you are comfortable with and how willing you are to join in one of the most painful journeys that a person can experience. There must be an acceptance of the terrible things that the world has to offer people but that you can also be a part of them overcoming those worst of the worst things.
I have come to enjoy the work of Alan Wolfelt and he talks about being a companion to people. I think that is what a lot of survivors are looking for. There are a lot of survivors that don't have anyone so being our therapist means that for a time you will be our person and there is a huge responsibility in that. Different than couples and other types of therapy. We are on this trauma journey because of what has happened to us and we feel like we are so much less than everyone us. We feel like our stories are a burden, that we alone should carry. Often there is no family or support system of any kind. For many we are alone in the world searching; searching for a place that feels like home. We are other than all those that are living around us. To have someone during our sessions that is able to come alongside us and be truly present means the world. We need a companion to our journey when we feel like we are the only one in the world to feel the things that we do. This is not a catch all. This is nothing than my own opinion as one who may need therapy until my last breath. This is just my experiences of therapy and things that I have found are the most important. I think that a lot of Trauma Survivors do fall through the cracks and if I do nothing else in this world I have to speak and make sure that happens less and less in the world. Some would stop at that first counselor, and not keep going until they have a right fit for them. To trauma survivors, I hope that you never give up trying to find your own healing. For the therapists just be gentle be kind and know that the work that you do is more appreciated than you could ever imagine. You may plant a seed that will bloom in years, and you can never understand the impact that you have. What you do matters, just be patient, aware, and meet us where we are in this life that we have been handed.
I heart your heart.
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