On my side

You now its the small things really. Those things that people don't think made a difference but totally do in every way.  There have not been many people on my side in this life at all.  Most have probably been the opposite then there are those that through my eyes have not been on my side and they haven't seen it that way. And that is the part that is crushing. I know that I do tend to become possessive, like certain people are mine and its not that I want them for myself its that, the fear in ever loosing them is close to unbearable.  It's like that with my favorites and it still makes me cry.  I fear that my safe place is gone.  That things are not the same.  That I don't have a place at all anymore.


I got a text from Amy saying that Catrina and her family were there over Spring break, and that she would hide the pictures if that was best for me.  I was glad to have the notice and devastated that they would have someone who hurt me so much in my safe place.  I can not even explain all of the emotions there was a part that felt I was being torn in half.  But that is my safe place.  And you see people have lots of different people in many different situations me I have very few in most situations and even less in others.  This felt like such a betrayal like the little kid that gets looked over.  It's devastating.  And I can not even explain how it hurt.  And my worst fear is that it is going to change everything.

Because we are on opposite sides of the spectrum in every way.  She is different in different situations.  She is loud and often obnoxious, and doesn't think about the feelings of others.  She is vain and expects others to swoon and   tell her how wonderful that she is.  She is two faced in every way, and I have been a part of that that others don't see.  Others see the Widow oh poor Catrina she is so strong oh poor Catrina doing everything.  All those things are fine that is who she is.

And I saw great kindnesses from her, and till the last moment was grateful and at the same time there were things like a knfe through my heart that in no way were fair or right in any way.  I did and gave everything and once I was not able to do all that I did, once getting a full time job I no longer had a purpose.  Amy and James were my people.  They were mine and it felt like, still feels like they are not on my side.

She didn't really know them, be with them. She would ask me questions about them.  They were acquaintances and she was in my safe place..  Its part of the game for her and what can I do. Her words I want you out, I can't do it anymore and do you know why ?  Has anyone cared to ask ?  Because I had a lot going on with me and I asked that after Truman's bible study if  she could take him to where  he would be spending the day.  ALWAYS always well if you need any help if its too much then ask.  And the one time that I do ask for help, that one time I couldn't do it, she was done.  Oh there are so many things that matter but don't matter.  She was always right she was always the hero for doing what she did and not once were the kids and I thought of.  The nights spent in parking lots eating dinner,  the nights driving around because we had no where to go. The nights when we had to eat in our room, because we were no longer welcomed. The night I would stay up crying all night because of how we were treated and no one cared to ask.

In the entire situation there was no one on my side, no one asking if there was anything that they could do.

 Do you know what happened do you????

DO YOU!!!!! DO YOU!!!!! DO YOU!!!!! 

She was a fake Friend.

Mp thats right no one knows because no one ever asked they were too busy standing up for her.  I mean come on I was the low life staying with her.  And so it goes.  Promises were made things were said and there was no going back.  How we were treated how my children were treated those were of no consequence.  So until someone sits and talks with me, asks me about the things that happened, I am not willing to hear or listen.  There was not one person on my side not one, and that is what hurts.  I can remember someone wanted to talk about it and make every excuse for her.  I know that it wasn't easy for her, I always told her that and she always so no its not I didn't give up anything well Me I  I gave a lot of myself.  I know that I wasn't perfect, I know that there were things that I did that I didn't even know were wrong but I never broke a promise.  I was there holding her hand until she moved on and I was no longer of any use.  But those are the things that people don't want to hear that people don't ask about.  My heart still hurts all I ever wanted was people to be on my side to stick up for me to keep me safe and sound to have a safe and sound place always and forever and right now there is more than hurt to last a lifetime.  In time I have to hope it ill lessen but right now my heart hurts because they are the people that I want on my side that I need on my side the most.  Maybe someday maybe.

Please PLEASE do not ever make me a promise that you don't intend to keep. 

I heart your heart.  ALWAYS.

Not searching anymore

Things , feelings, views things are happening that I can not ignore. That I am choosing not to ignore anymore.  I am an outlier things I have seen, lived through how I  have seen and see the world EVERY SINGLE DAY is different . Not so very different but different than not most but a lot and that is a lonely place to be. Finding people like me finding others with scars that aren't afraid to see mine or share theirs. Others who are willing to help when its needed the most. I can not tell you the amount of time that I spend trying to fit into someone else's box of who I am and what I should be over and things that I should do in life.

                            Well, I am done

 This heart of mine has been hurt and I am learning that its going to take forever to heal to be put back together the problem is that the things that I am longing for seem to be forever breaking my heart.  So there is break after break, and I just can not afford that in my life.  I can not let that happen anymore.  I thought I found my place and I remember saying that I would come back when I was ready. But there were things I was searching for that I didn't even know. And he said You do know you'll never be ready ? Its not about being ready its about being seen its about the scars that make me me. And I didn't say a word but I continued to think.  Maybe that was correct maybe I would/will never be

ready 

but where I am is exactly where I am.And I can promise you that most days, I don't like where that is but I fight. And in fighting its exhausting. oh there are just so many if's and buts

 people turning away sure isn't a way to help. People turn away because I don't fit in their world view, people can't deal with the scars. people can't deal with the me.  A completely complicated person that has so very many layers.  But the layers are thinning and I have been more ready than many others have been willing to admit or given me credit for.  I have put myself out there given my all, and my heart has been crushed.  I will not do that anymore.  I am ready for what comes I am open I am willing I am ready but I am also done searching.  My heart is tired, my mind often overwhelmed and with a birthday coming up , life is short and I will not keep searching to be let down and crushed anymore.  So I will BE.

 I will be open, I will find a peace in my everyday.  I will continue to meant my heart.  I will continue to share my journey and I will wait.  Wait for the good things that are to come.  And that's not to say I am going to sit back, give up and let what happens happen its more than that. SOOOO much more.  Its taking steps back and continuing to be open, and ready but letting others that are open and ready to do the same come find me.  Because I am here ready and will jump at the very opportunity but as for searching no, because it has felt more like searching to get my heart broken again more than anything and that is a risk that I need a break from.  If I were to find that perfect place tomorrow I would be all in.I give and give until there is nothing left.  That has a great toll, a toll that I am not willing to ignore any longer.

And in letting a few things go I am hoping that the good can come and find me exactly 

where I am.

Like Church, friends, belonging, safety, love.  I feel like that should be a sentence in itself.  It holds so much, and feels so very heavy. Honestly its been more bad than good.  And I fight I fight to be heard to be listened to, to fit, and I have truly thought that I have found a few places that were right where I fit.  But In my trying to fit and the disappointment and the sadness, and the longing I am the one that is left.  This is a huge one for me, and I have searched, I have, begged pleaded and even prayed.  Time after time I am left with the crushed brokenness of my heart in my own hands, and that is devastating to a person and its happened more times than I can even count.  I keep trying keep putting myself in that position again and when is that time when you say enough is enough ????

I think I am finally saying enough is enough.    

I just want to be someones first not someones second not someones fall back.  I want to be a favorite.  I have favorites and I want to be that for someone else.  Writing out the words are rough and so hard and more than chilling but that is what I wasn't.  I get burned each time looking for the things that I long for and now comes the time to stop trying because I can not will not risk a broken heart any longer.  I feel like I have come so far and done so well and then the crushing. It's over and over.  And its not like I am expecting never to be disappointed or hurt that is not it at all.  That's life, everyday life bad things happen people are mean people leave,  and of coarse everyone can not be your best friend. I don't want to be a left over a obligation, a poor me.  In my searching that is what I have become in so many areas.   I am not even sure that these words are going to make sense they still seem so very confusing to even me.  And I wonder does this mean I will be alone forever? does this mean that the right people and place will come ?  I don't have any of those answers, but in all the work that I have done in healing to get myself back I rely on others to stop the pain, to be the band aid, to help me I have searched out those things been heartbroken and continued to undo all that was done before.  Really that is like swimming uphill.  I will keep working keep learning keep questioning and I will care for this bruised heart, by undoing all the knots, doing all the work.  And what will come needs to come find me and I will be here open heart and all of me, all of crazy me,  its just that ....

The searching hurts to much when you have already come from broken. 

So please come find me.

I heart your heart.

Sigma : Find Me 

First tears in some time

Having  a safe place is more than important to me.  In these moments I feared that it was lost.  And then the tears and the hurt and more tears. Anywhere but my safe place.

I have not cried in the longest time,  but things were catching up with me,  there has been sadness, great deep heavy sadness but I would bury it under being busy at work or staying in bed or not writing not doing my art journals just going through the motions.  I had so many plans this spring break to write to feel to read and I stayed away from all of those things until Wednesday.  When I went back and saw Michael and know that is exactly what I need. And finally came the tears and the hurt and the feelings that I can not even explain with words.

And it started with a text that  I received from one of my favorites. She wanted to let me know that Catrina and her family were there and she wanted to warn me as I would probably see photos, but she would be happy to hide them to make things easier. That she didn't want to hurt me.  And thought it was a good time to remind me that I have an open invitation there also.

After I picked my heart up off the ground, I thanked her for warning me said yea just hide them.  And reminded her that I would never invite myself that was just not in my bones.  Goodness I love her and was more than sad.  I felt crushed.  But this was MY safe place.


And my heart was broken.  I was grateful for the warning but my heart.  That was MY safe place, MY place My room MY safe sleeping place.  Would it be ruined ?   I pretended that it was fine,  but took a bath that night and it wasn't fine.  It was no where near fine.  And I worried if I would still have MY safe place.

I didn't want to be a brat , that wasn't it at all.  It felt like a huge betrayal and that somehow they (my favorites)  weren't on my side.  And I crave that more than anything.  I need to feel like someone has my back like they will stick up for me and fight for me and protect my heart.  I know they can have anyone that they want over to their house, but her someone who held my hand and promised things then threw me out the door ?  But her ?  Her who crushed my heart??  Everyone always ran to her, poor her all the time, when on the inside things were very different. She was one way if she was getting what she wanted but if you disagreed or didn't go along with her it was hell.  I had to pay that hell often.  I just never said a word, because I was more than grateful.

But really the hurt was much deeper than just my safe place.  Because in the beginning things were different.  She and her friends came and helped more than ever but truth is they weren't really helping me, they were helping her.  Such a crazy hard thing to explain.  Everyone was worried about her and what she was feeling and not once did others think about me.    They had my things in the front yard being washed down, my boxes gone through, the kids stuff gone thru and things thrown away.  Those were all my things.  I was grateful to be out of one terrible situation, and had no idea the things that I would loose while I was there.

When I got the long term sub position and there just wasn't enough of me to do all that she needed and all the time it took caring for her son.  As she traveled for work, ran races, dating, and visited friends.  I was working full time taking care of my own children and her child and who was I to need anything ? She always said to ask if I needed anything.   And the moments I did ask for help, she was more than upset  and said that if he was such a burden;  That she had been thinking and she just couldn't do it anymore....and wanted me out by the time she got back from Christmas.

Truth be told he was a burden he was not often kind and my own children were paying the price. I cried often trying to do it all, keeping things to myself because really where was a single mom and her two kids suposed to go ??  We had to put up with things and be grateful.

So I said ok and was out before Thanksgiving. Again that made her mad because things were not on her time table,  who was I to make my own choices ??

I had him every weekend that month, and most of the days and yet that wasn't good enough. I know that she gave a lot for me moving in, but I also gave a lot and that is forgotten. What she did was more than amazing, things on the inside are not always what they seem.  There was a lot of hurt,  lots of my fears being laughed at, my life choices judged and those things are not OK , ever.  There were many dinners where we had to spend them eating dinner in parking lots.  There was lots of driving, because there was a new boyfriend and it was well known that we were not wanted anymore.  Us being told to leave really had nothing to do with her son we were in the way as her life was moving forward.  I was more than happy her life was moving forward but so was mine,  I was meant to be more than a babysitter, more than someone to clean the kitchen, I was more and I was seeing that and that was not a good thing.

So I found the most perfect house in my very own little town and things were amazing.  I was unfriended, promises were broken and we would never speak again. I moved all of my belongings out of her house and never again would I be so disrespected and laughed at I would never allow it.  I will always be more than grateful for all that she gave but my heart was greatly hurt do not hold my hand and make promises then look the other way.  And when that time came to move not one person was there offering help or support, my city group offered, but I could not accept it.  Received a miracle to help and I was able to get movers.

So when that person was at MY safe place it felt more than huge, it felt like the entire time that I was there with her and people were always looking out for her needs and I was just at the way side.  People were always looking after her always worried about her.  I deserved  to be treated better.

So her being in my safe place that meant so very much; was crushing the hurt that she caused was so very heavy and more than deep , and that is what many others failed to notice or cared to ask and see.  She knew the hurt it my life and added to it as soon as I was getting stronger and realizing my own dreams. A sad situation all around.  I was hurt beyond anything I imagined and was hurt that she was welcomed in my safe place as crazy as that is.   I know my favorites are still the people I need them to be, they will always be my people they have shown me that over and over.  Its just never easy when ones who have broken your heart are cared for by your very own special people when you have few and far between.

This will take some time, time to recover, time to heal the hurt time .....just time  

I heart your heart .

The words : "Not enough Emotion , I just wanted attention "

Oh these words 

she must be lying , she isn't showing enough emotion, she just wants attention 

Today those words still affect me. After all this time, its still like a knife. And guess what Joan. yes I DID want attention I wanted someone to step up I wanted someone to take care of me I wanted someone to hold me and tell me that everything was OK.  That I wasn't as awful as I felt inside. I wanted someone to tell me that it wasn't mt fault.Yes that was the attention that I so desperately wanted.  If attention was what she thought I wanted why in the world did I get pushed further aside and my needs ignored ??

It was that cold night when I was thirteen and I heard her say that I wasn't showing enough emotion if that really happened and that I just wanted attention.  Seriously like daggers through my heart. Her words were so hurtful who would want to do that to me   I find that lately things are affecting me more and more. Or I will hear something and its that ah-ha like oh my goodness, these people!!   Maybe its where my heart is maybe because in close to a month my own children will be 13 and I am scared out of my mind.   Maybe its just that I can hear things that I haven't been able to hear or process in the past.  But this article today was amazing saying yes ATTENTION that is exactly what I wanted I wanted someone to step up, I wanted someone to keep me safe I wanted someone to see me.  My entire life attention as always a bad thing always because attention got you hurt I would do my very best to fade in not make any noise for fear of any kind of attention and there Joan was accusing me of lying because I wanted attention.  Today I sit here and am trying to get my head around that....I think that its impossible. But her words truly broke my heart, telling was going to make a difference only it did nothing and left me more alone than before.

All my life I have just wanted to fade into the background.  I would never want anyone to think that I was asking for attention or asking for anything special.  And this article,  I never realized I wanted someone to hear and to listen and to do something.  I may have been a very mature 13 and able to handle all that life was throwing at me but I was 13,  I had only spent thirteen years in this world,  and yes I wanted attention but I wanted that in someone caring for me, in showing me the good things in life.  In showing me kindness and fun and love those were the things that I was looking for.  I was not looking for pity or the attention that Joan was speaking about.  I didn't want someone falling all over me I wanted someone to step up and do the right thing, that is the attention that I wanted.  I wanted someone to care that I had been hurt.  I wanted someone to listen and to helm me understand that these things never should have happened to me that I was worth more than the things that they did to me.   I wanted someone to make me feel safe and these are the things that I have been fighting my entire life.  That I wasn't worth anything , why would someone do that to me, because obviously I was more than gross and disgusting and obviously lying.

Those things hurt my heart.  I do not know why those things happened to me.   I don't understand the response of the people around me.  I don't understand how people said that I was doing this for attention,  what kind of attention is a gang raped 13 year old looking for ?? I was merely looking for some safety and protection and one would think that you  would do that when a child has been raped!!!    How crazy that not one person stood up and did the right things not one person heard me or listened.....even the counselors.

Sitting in between my parents on the couch and him asking me how many there were.  I see it all so clear and the windows in the room the type of chair that he was sitting in it wasn't very light but I wanted to be outside in the light coming through the windows behind me.  And the only words that I even remember saying was 5.  And there was nothing else, nothing about my feelings or that it wasn't my fault.  The only other person talking in the session was my father and I remember him calling me an "entity unto myself".......Yea when Rape has been a part of your life since the time that you were 5, and the latest incident was a gang rape for hours on hours yes, I was different, I was quiet, I was scared I was all of those things that you saw and there was a reason for all of them.  And oh that attention that I was craving ,  really that's why I lived with the hurt so long on my own right ?  Oh that's right who would want to rape me I was the unpopular chubby kid......anyway.....So rape only happens to beautiful popular girls ?? Oh the messages that I received.

So I am going to make up a story about being gang raped so everyone can shove me to the side and  treat me terribly and then pretend that I don't even exist anymore ?  That's right that was the attention that I wanted. To be shamed and judged and left to fend for myself.

Today I think the article hit such a nerve is that I do want people to pay attention and not to me and my story but on the way that I was treated on the way that I was not taken care of so that if ever in their life they are faced with this they will know that there is a heart that has been hurt inside and its only looking for someone to come along beside them and let them know that they are not alone.  Because I know when I was 13 that is what I wanted I wanted someone to hold my heart and help me heal.  And that is why today I share and tomorrow I will share and I will share until my very last breath to make sure that no woman, man  or child has to go through rape and abuse alone. Yes we are looking for attention. I was looking for attention to be cared for, supported and yes even loved.  I wasn't so I will never stop fighting for others.

I heart your heart 

Sometimes it just hits you, LIKE a brick wall

I made it through Monday and things were perfect, not many tears were shed and things were ok. It wasn't really a thought, at all. It was just another day.  We were so busy with first day of school, and my first day, things were really fine.  Then today, it hit me hard, like a brick wall, and I don't even know what I feel.  I am more than confused because I wouldn't change a thing. My kids are my world so I don't understand what my problem is.  I can't even explain the feelings I do not know what they are or even how to explain them all i can say is that I would like to hide under a rock and stay there indefinitely.  Not a good place to be that kind of sad that there is nothing that you can do and no words to explain it.  I want to crawl in bed eat a bag of chips, eat an entire bag of chocolate and then eat the rest of the oreos. Because I can not explain in adult terms what I feel.  I think another part of it was acknowledgement.  I hate that not one person acknowledged yesterday,  and that is not ok.  People know and if only a few they know and they chose not to acknowledge it.  And I am not asking for a lot either a simple I am thinking of you, just checking to make sure that you are ok that is really all that I want and instead I have to live in the hell alone, no one hearing no one acknowledging and that hurts.  And really I am not sure what to do with that.

The nightmares last night were long and drawn out and there was lots of crying I just want people to understand.  I want them to see me , see that I am not ok and do something. But instead no  one says a thing there are no hugs no calls no kind words to make sure that I am ok.

Her name was Allison

Her name was Allison. I never asked for her help.  She offered it and for once in my life I jumped at the chance to have someone be there.  For someone to know and be supportive.  Someone that knew more about the system than I did.  It took all that I had to even accept that help. I was more than scared, more afraid that I had been my entire life.  Someone offered and I accepted almost a miracle. ALMOST.

I was volunteering at the Plano Rape crisis center.  I have always had the need to help to offer support. I have always wanted to be there for others.  I know the hurt of being alone and I will do almost anything so another person doesn't have to feel that.  SO that is why I started Volunteering.  I wanted to make a difference.  At about that same time, I had been volunteering for some time,  I was hearing rumors about my father and him getting remarried.  I wish that I remembered the exact time line but I don't.  I remember finding out that she had a daughter and was panicked.  I asked the people at their center their advise.  I had to protect this little girl and they offered me all the choices.  They told me all the different options that were available. I had never really faced much of what went on in my own life it was about making sure that others didn't go thru any kind of abuse on their own. At this point I still really didn't matter. And Voluntering was rough.  I would spend hours on the phone with Survivors in the middle of the night getting them through, listening letting them know that they were not alone.  It made what happened to me mean something, because what I had been through gave me a different lens into how they saw the world.  Because I can tell you each survivor views the world with a different lens.   I knew these people and I asked for their advise.

And the legal advocate was Allison.  The only thing that was on my mind was keeping my fathers step daughter safe.  I didn't know her name but I had seen her little pink bike, saw where she lived on Brandon Way and knew that she was little. As little as I was.  I didn't matter I had to do something.  There were a few conversations between Allison and I. She said that she would go with me and talk to a Plano police detective who deals with these cases and see what he thought , if I would have a case, what the best option would be to keep his step daughter safe.  I saw nothing but keeping her safe,  telling my story to a police detective was terrifying,  breath stopping terrifying but I COULD NOT let another little live through hell with the man that I knew my father to be.  I could not live with myself.  SO I said OK lets do it.  We set up an appointment to meet with David the detective in Plano .  Allison always said that if she had a case that she would want him as the detective because he is thorough and gets things done.

I thought that  I was going to be in good hands.
That's what I thought.
I thought I was going to be supported.
I thought a detective would understand my need to protect.
I thought I was going to have support with me.
I thought so many things and yet .....

None of those things happened.

I was terrified the week of the appointment.  I had never said a word about anything that happened to me yet I was going to spill my heart out for someone I didn't even know.....but there was never another option for me.  Never even once was there a glimpse of backing out of looking the other way, those things were not an option.  I talked to Allison she said that things were all set that we were ready and that we would hopefully get some answers.

I was a live in nanny at the time and of coarse the night I was supposed to be there, they got home late.  I would still make it in plenty of time but you know if I am 30 minutes early than I am on time.

Then there was the call from Allison. Something had come up and she couldn't make it.  She wanted to reschedule.  But also said it was fine if I wanted to go myself.  My heart sank,  like so many things I knew that I was going to have to do this on my own. There wasn't an option to wait ....my mind was spinning....

RESCHEDULE.....WHAT......I had waited long enough there was a little girl living in his house and I had to keep her safe!!!  How could this not be important!!!!  There was no time to reschedule, time was ticking.  I knew that he was a bomb....I knew what he was capable of......so fine Allison or not I was going to make sure that I was there.

David Wilson that was his name. That was the detective that I had to see on my own in a police station spilling out my heart to keep another little girl safe. Allison wasn't there And I was on my own.  Maybe he was thorough and Allison would want him on her case ..... and oh he was thorough......alright.....I was just another person to him  trying to get back at someone.....he asked those questions like why are you telling now ?  Why did you wait?  Well I would make you take a lie detector test..... I said that I didn't care....and I don't remember much after that really.....the invasive questions,  trying to catch me in a lie......and I was alone.

He took me back to an interrogation room with soundproof walls no color nothing warm,  with two chairs .  I remember thinking oh my GOD what am I doing, I imagined the criminals that had been questioned in that room, and the things that they were asked.  And there I sat being asked questions when all i wanted was to keep a child safe. But every move was being questioned.  There was almost no conversation about keeping her safe, the focus was on me and why I waited and if I was telling the truth.  Maybe he was a good detective maybe his cases went to court but I felt no kindness and  felt like I was doing something wrong.  He said I would have to go to The Colony Police Department to file the report, since that is where the abuse occurred.  I thanked him and he said that the detective there could call him if he needed anything.

Allison knew that I was going on my own and she never called or made sure that I was ok, I don't remember hearing from her at all.  My heart was broken.  I was left alone, all the things I try to give so people don't have to know this feeling.  David cared for facts and nothing for that little girl I was trying to protect.  David wanted specifics not caring about my heart.  And I understand that was his job, but I also understood there was a child in danger.

It still blows me away, even with that.... I left that interrogation room, balled my eyes out all the home and called the Colony Police as soon as I got home to find out what it was that I needed to do to press charges.

I was more than disappointed in the Rape Crisis center, in Allison, in David.  In the entire process, she was the first of many.  But not once did I ever stop to try and keep her safe.  And all this because  I realized that  Allison is still there, still the legal advocate.....the legal advocate working with people through the system and I hope their experience is one that holds their heart and doesn't break it.

Breaking a broken heart is just not acceptable. EVER EVER EVER

But I was strong and so very broken but I did it anyway. And Allison I did it with out you.

 And David I went to The Colony Police and my detective was everything kind and cared for my heart.

So because of  the both of you I was lead to him, and am grateful.

I heart your heart 

The Decision

So I guess this has been coming for some time.  Maybe my entire life.  It's one of those things that is always in the back of my mind.  I have tried oh so hard to belong, to believe, to find somewhere I fit and I just haven't found that.  Take that back I did find it once, a long time ago, but that feels like a different life.  And it was everything that I thought it should be, but in time that was smashed not all of it, but a lot of it and my heart was broken.  People drifted and the people that held my hand and told me they would be there, were not.  My favorites have stayed and never wavered, but they are also far away.  This is something that I can not do on my own.  Believe me I have tried, and I just can not do it.  And oh I have tried to reach out, I have tried to get someone to come along side me and they just aren't available or not around.  People are busy,  people can't deal people just don't want to and I will not be broken by these people, any people anymore.

Do I still believe in God, I want to, oh I want to believe that .......truthfully I am not sure some days and other days I do, I think that I do ?  Here would be nice to have that person to call and ask questions and think what about this what about that ?  Someone I could express my doubt to that would understand  I could feel him once I knew he was present but that is gone.  You know all those songs that say you are never alone and I am his and he is mine.  NO I do not believe that.  I have asked women to be my mentors, and that has taken every ounce of courage that I have and things have fallen through.  I am the common denominator so I know it is me, just not sure why.  I can not be broken anymore, put myself out there to be alone.  Like I have always said better to be alone in your thoughts when no one knows them then to share those thoughts and still have no one there.

SO I will hold on to those that I love be grateful for those that showed me it was possible. be grateful for the times that I felt like I belonged and be grateful for even the smallest moments that people listened to my lack of faith.  I am more than sorry with all that.  I want to believe like some but I don't and I can not fake it.

I am not sure I know how to pray, never have really.  I sit , I think I send good thoughts, I wish good things for people,  I light candles and cry and feel for those that are hurting. Things are heavy and in my looking for the light it seems I am one that finds more heavy, and I won't do that.

It's not who I am to be something that I am not, I am crazy me.  I am a really good teacher.  I am a good mom, on most days I love with my whole heart.  I am kind and care and have passion about the world around me even on the days when it seems to be falling apart. I am not saying that I am turning my back on god and religion that is not it all.  I am saying that I am done asking for someone to walk beside me through it, I am done trying to fit when I know that I don't.  I am done looking for a place that fits whats in my heart and the things that I believe.  I believe in people I believe in kindness, I believe in the joy of nature those are the things that keep me going.

I will not pretend to be a part of a church that I just don't fit into who they are or what they believe.  I believe in good kind people.  I believe that all people should be happy I believe that if you love someone you have a right to live happily ever after together.  I believe that there are things that are done to people that are unforgivable, not all wrong doings are the same,  I believe in laughing and that the Dalai Llama is a man with more kindness than many can comprehend and he isn't going to heaven ?  But my father will ? I have a problem with that.

I think it was a friend in Colorado that made this ok with me. That lifted a veil that made me feel like there was a place for me. She was sharing her heart and talking about how heavy that she felt and she said that to deal with that she prays,  and automatically in my head I felt like I shouldn't be listening like someone how I didn't deserve to be there but then she kept going, saying praying is just what I do but you don't thats ok I know that we all need each other......WHAT.....it was ok that praying wasn't my way of dealing with the heaviness ?  A whole new world.  Thank you my friend for including me. I feel the heaviness all around me and we all do different things to deal with that, as we live life.  That is huge, and lifted a burden that no one person should have to carry. We should all do this together, reguardless of a certain belief its about doing this life together.  And for once I didn't feel like an outsider.

I heart your heart, oh I heart your heart.