Maybe I will never win

I am thinking maybe I will never win; Win over the darkness of the past, the nightmares, the flashbacks the pictures that play in my head.  The songs that come on the radio that still take my breathe away because I remember. I always remember.  The smells that I can not forget, the things that will forever scare me.   Maybe I will never find my happily ever after.  But not finding my happily ever after maybe its just a different way of looking at life.  There are things that will never go away.  I am sure that times the sad will come and I will have to let it pass and be glad that I have made it this far.  I do not believe that it is ever going to go away, there are things I will never get to experience things that I thought I wanted or even needed.  I have to learn to be happy where I am , let the past come when it does; but also remember the stars when all I see is the dark.  I fear others thinking that I am dwelling or that I am wanting to hold on or the phrases I have heard my entire life well how is that working for you??? Well it sucks to be you doesn't it ?  None of those things are me.  I have fought from as far as I can remember and look how far that I have come.  Kind of amazing.  I am still here, living breathing, growing, learning. Yea so my heart is broken but I get up and smile every day.  I enjoy every second, I see the little things and I will never stop fighting to make a difference for others.  Those are all the good things that can come from a life like mine.  So maybe someday I find   that perfect piece to heal my heart, and I promise to never stop looking but until then I keep fighting keep searching and keep going in this crazy life.  I have an amazing house a job that is less like a job and more a love and two amazing kids that beyond words.  Days get hard nights get long, but I am here and am further than I ever imagined.  I am happy I so am, there is just that still sad part that begs to be heard and to be seen.  The more I ignore the bigger it becomes, so let it come and see what kind of dreams unfold and what amazing things there are to accomplish.

                                                                   


                                                                         I heart your heart 

She is not my friend.

Last night was the last straw really.  I should have seen it coming, I have felt it for some time, and just tried to ignore. And I feel terrible and I wish that I didn't see the picture.  And I feel more things than I would like to admit. I have followed my own heart and done whats been best for me.  I have always known I was not her person I was never their person but they were mine. I feel alone, I feel angry, I feel left out, I feel betrayed I feel things that make me more than angry that I don't even have words for.  The anger is boiling and the tears just won't come.  Oh They are there believe me they are there,  but I just can't believe that I have lost my safe place.  Others have been chosen over me.  And when you become a choice really there is no choice at all.  It was she who said well you can't be everyone's best friend.  And that is not at all what I am or was ever asking I was asking to be treated with respect and kindness. I don't want the kind of friend that is a duty, that is oh bless her heart.  NO thank you.  When people have literally broken your spirit and your first response is to come defend them and not once asking me what happened that is not OK.  And writing here come the tears. I can not even tell you how heavy that my heart is.  My chest literally aches.  I have lost my safe place.

 And there is an empty that I can't even explain. If I sit with this realization it will devastate me, so I   I want to say goodbye and say thank you and never look back.  When all that you have to give just isn't what they want.  When you don't have one thing in common not one thing and you try to fit in but everyone knows that you just don't.  And it seems the more that you are pushed out of the picture, the one who has betrayed you has slipped right in. The one who would ask me questions about you because she didn't really know you.  Funny that she has become a regular and visited your house and sees you every visit to Texas now.  I will not be mean but these are things that I see from the outside.  I hope that I do not become jaded but I know that its going to hurt for some time and that just has to be OK.  Loosing your people is a fact of life, that's what they all say.  And you know not everyone can be your best friend.  I will hear that until the day that I die.  I will be the one to quietly back away, because it just hurts to much.  And of coarse it all plays into my fears and insecurities about being wanted about being real about not really fitting in.  All those things just are and I can not pretend I am not hurt.  I have learned so much, I have loved with my whole heart.  I just won't be second choice when no one else is around, or when everyone else is around and I am not even considered a choice.  I am sure that I have loved the most,  I am sure my heart is broken and I am sure that I don't want to have to be a choice; I just wanted to be a friend.

I heart your heart.

FORGIVENESS

Yea that just doesn't work for everyone some things are totally unforgivable.  I believe that with my whole heart. I do not believe that all things are the same that all injustices are  People that I know that are pastors even some counselors they believe that as well and that is fine but for me and my heart where it has been how it has been hurt there are things that are unimaginable and unforgivable and telling me that its for me and nothing to do with them well that doesn't make it any better for me.  I thought that I had found this great new counselor he pushed and wasn't scared of my story, told me things I was experiencing was a very normal reaction to abnormal circumstances.  There was something that made me uncomfortable but figured it was just me.  OK SO maybe this is the right guy,   maybe he will be able to help me.  Then second time things changed, he made jokes all the time made light of things that were heavy and then he brings up forgiveness.  And I said that was not something that I was willing to do,  and after some talk and saying that basically that was the only way he said well after a story about another one of his clients who took a drink after being sober for 30 years he was like like well it sucks to be you.  And then with me since I was unwilling to even look at forgiveness that well it sucks to be me . And he said well I don't mean to sound callous but you have a choice!!  Are you kidding me how dare he say that to me and he says I don't mean to be callous but it sucks to be you and shrugs his shoulders and he said it over and over and it was like a sword through my heart how dare he say that!!!  I am there for help to get better to heal my heart to figure out the things I think and those were his words ?  He was judging me because forgiveness is not something I am willing to do. I told a few people what he said  and they were like yea that is never OK, and it made me mad,  and frustrated and I don't understand why he would say that to me when I am just so much trying to understanding what was done how I was affected and how I can heal.  I went there for support not ridicule.  I went there for understanding and I don't care if he thinks that is the only way to heal .  That is his opinion and not mine.  He made a lot of assumptions and I was just not OK with that. He of coarse he went on to explain himself, about its about me and has nothing to do with him.  BLAH BLAH at that point I had already shut him off.  I want someone who accepts my views and tries to understand and not pushes what they think is the correct way to heal.  I can't stop thinking about it and I texted my friend Val and she was of coarse awesome and she said well then it sucks to be me too...that she will never forgive the person who hurt her son.  I need someone like that I need that in my everyday.  Like she gets it, she totally gets it and I love her so very much.  So once again I am starting with someone else at ground zero, but I have to believe that right person is out there and if I just don't give up and keep trying I will find them and they will see me and they will respect where I am. Still so much to learn and explore.

He's not dead

So the other day out of the blue My mom got a call from Danny.  Assholes brother.  And I was like pick it up pick it up maybe he is dead ??  I mean that was my first thought why else would he be calling he never calls , I think that the last time that I saw him was in the kitchen at Dennis's house and they were laughing about how Angela was one more person for him to poke.  That was the last time that I saw or spoke to him.  In those few seconds before I knew I can not even tell you the lightness that I felt the pure joy, the delight in my heart. He was dead and I was ready to dance.  I truly thought that he was dead and I was beyond myself.  I have wanted that for so long.  To know that he is not a living breathing person anymore, that he can't hurt anyone anymore.  But after a few minutes of the conversation we realized he had dialed on accident and no he wasn't dead.  And then again that fear crept into my heart.  I long to see him dead to see his lifeless cold body and just to know that no one is in danger from him.  There is this fight in me that I can't totally put to words and I don't really understand and even though I don't know if he is around children, I don't know anything about him really. I do know men like him don't just stop.  And until that day when I know that he can no longer hurt any more souls I am going to fight I am going to speak out I am going to  make sure that people are aware that people hear me that people listen.  I think that is where the fight in my heart comes from.  Knowing that he is alive somewhere and potentially hurting others is terrifying and I don't want him to have a happy life I don't want him to have anything.  And I will fight until I know his last breath is taken and then my heart will have some kind of peace.  I don't think that the fight will totally stop, but it will lesson and then maybe I can be a priority.  Just thinking these things out, I am not sure that any of this makes sense..  I just know that for those few minutes when I longed to hear the words come out of Danny's mouth that he wasn't alive, there was a spark something inside me that came to life, and until he is dead I am not sure that I will be able to find it.   And maybe that is a choice for me, that is the fight that I can't stop or slow down or even heal those last shreds until I know that he can't shred anyone else.  Like somehow for me to heal those last pieces of my heart and soul I need to know that he can never hurt me again , that I don't have to be afraid that I don't have to worry.  I know and understand that there is nothing that I can do that we don't live in the same state that I don't know so many things but I have to fight and people have to be aware.  I think when he is dead some of those things that scare me everyday will finally be gone and put to rest and I can finally heal, and totally let go of those last rattet tatted parts of my heart.

I heart your heart

Feelings