Words I don't have

Every Heart has a story to tell, only mine isn't ok

There are so many things inside my heart and so many of them are things that have never been ok to say.  My heart my things that hurt my heart are not things to share they are things that people look the other way, that people, shy away from that people most often ignore.  And it hurts my heart.  The documentary is all said and done.  The DVD is available  its done with the film festival scene .  And there are pieces of me, that feel guilty that I wasn't good enough.  I know I know that I didn't say all the right things that I didn't help enough people.  I think even there is a part of me that thought this was going to FIX me, that somehow by sharing, it would make everything hurt less. Of coarse none of those things are true.  I miss the people , oh I knew them for such a short time but I can say that are the few that have held my heart. I think that a piece of it is that this was an outlet an excuse for me to share, not an excuse but a reason to share.  Because I know all to well, that people don't want to hear.  We all say break the silence , and how brave but REALLY ?  Because people in everyday don't want to hear.  They don't want to know and it gets old.  Believe me I understand that it gets old, but there is nowhere for me to go, no where for me to hide.  I don't get to hide my head in the sand,  and I never will.  I will keep speaking and keep sharing as hard as it gets hoping that someday everything that I went though will mean something will make a difference for someone else.  I think maybe its my own expectations.  When I share from my heart and there is no response no nothing and I think oh my god WHY why won't people even acknowledge me you know.  Just a little heart just something letting me know that I am not alone.  I hear things about the healing journey and how different that it is for everyone, and how no two people heal the same way only the problem is people have their expectations that I can talk about it once then its done.  NO that is not how it goes I talk about it once then again and again trying to understand trying to make sense.  And again I want to understand and make it  less heavy.  I just want to know that someone will be there when I need them.

  There are so many things to say.  There are so many people that I miss.  I am more than tired having to do this on my own.  I don't even know what I expect but I want people to acknowledge what I have been through and where I am today, and realize that there are still some really tough days but I am still me and just need someone to notice and love me all the same. Someday someone well I hope so, life gets lonely. And I am needing a forever, not a sometimes or a convenient. I heart your heart.

SO Costly

Disclosing is costly, keeping quiet is costly. 

Any and all abuse is costly.

It changes everything 

from who you once were

who you thought you would be 

and the person that you will be. 

There is not once cell that isn't affected. 

From how I think to how I see the world 

To how I interact with people. 

its so much more than a family secret 

EVERYONE EVERYONE 

would rather keep it a secret. 

It's ok for so many things to be talked about about abuse isn't

and that make s it more than hard. 

I know its heavy and it IS hard to talk about 

I know I carry the weight

its a lonely I can't explain

but sometimes just sometimes for someone to stand beside us

beside me 

to lesson the weight if even for a short time 

means the world

Costly, So Costly 

It's navigating a world 

where you have to smile 

pretend that all the things that are inside your head 

don't matter, aren't important, aren't worth 

I make it I keep going.

Keep going. 

There are great days, great days and then just like that 

worse days 

the nature of the beast

We loose...loose more than you can imagine

more than anything 

I just want someone to stay

there is so much my heart has to give.

I know I am needy and my heart gets heavy.

I am more than sorry ALL THE TIME.

Such a journey

I can't go back. 

I can not changed what has happened to me. 

 But you can choose to treat me  kindly

and maybe sometimes be gentle

gentler than most 

but really in more ways than you know 

I am just like you.

Naps

I have to say that yes, I am totally a fan of naps.  I do not sleep well at night. One of those things that I keep asking about;  will it ever go away, but its doubtful.  Just a fact I worry about the things gone by. Nightmares,  flashbacks the worrying about things that I have n control over.  So in that when I can I enjoy getting comfy in my chair.  Having my nice soft blanket, the unicorn for my head and something totally boring on TV;  those are the times that I peacefully fall asleep and can truly rest.  Today there was another piece that I realized and it made me sad.  It made me angry.  Made me feel things that I would rather not.  Naps were one of the only times I was really safe in my house growing up. 

You see naps were always a thing in my house.  kind of like an afternoon ritual.  And as safe as it was for me I was always sad for me mom.  He would make a joke and say something about a sandwich I can still hear how he would say it.  I always knew what that meant and I felt more than sorry for my mom, she was going to have to have sex with him.  That broke my heart, I never understood why she went.  I can remember ties I wanted her to stay awake with me.  They always left, closed the bedroom door.  As sad as I was for her there were times I was relieved.  I know that while they were in there I was safe and I would put something on TV I remember The Lone ranger and the rifleman.  And then as I got older there  was this crime show guy , he has a super deep voice.  So I put one of those on TV and I would curl up in ball, as small as I could and get a blanket and I knew for at least a short time he wasn't going to hurt me.  And that was pure amazing.  That was awesome.  The times when I could sleep and not worry about having to be hurt.  It wasn't dark, there was no way he could come down the hall.  There were times I couldn't sleep worried about my mom and what he was doing .  In my mind what h was doing to her were the things he did to me,  I couldn't understand why she wanted that to happen , why she didn't tell him no.  Any way that I look at it , it broke my heart.  The anger and sadness become vines in my soul.  How in the world does a little girl process that in her life.  She doesn't she only does what she can to survive.  Naps were like my own survival.

And to this day on most weekends I look forward to a nap to just peacefully fall asleep. Literally as soon as I wake up I think about getting comfy and being able to rest.  Its safe and comfy and just so much more peaceful than the dark of the night. I look forward to that time when I don't have to worry.  So yesterday I said something about a nap.  And shoulders were raised and it was like no big deal.  And my heart stopped, and I felt the need to explode I got a little short and and defensive and I was like because I like naps.  Because I want to and then in my head all these feelings were there, and this is why I more than enjoy those afternoon naps. And realizing that .... there is this OH.....MY.....GOD moment.  How does a child live like that ???  When you think its just something that you like then realize that its so much bigger than that .  It makes you sad and it makes   you realize just how affected that everything was by growing up in that house of horrors.  And yet I keep fighting I won't let him win, but even in the fighting the peace that I look for can be as simple as curling up in a ball getting as small as I possible can and taking a nap.  Oh the life. 



I heart your heart. 

Do life

I hear people saying "do life together" and I think awe and part of that warms my heart and another part thinks yea right, that is something that is meant for others .  That is just my experience in life but to me this is what do Life with means :

To do life with me, you must be kind, you must be patient, you must be willing to listen and hear and understand and know that I will always do the same.

To do life with someone is sitting on the coach no words needed and being able to just be.  To do life is to have someone check on you when you know that you aren't ok

To do life means being able to cry and not be ok

To do life means being able to cry and laugh in the same hour

To do life means being able to share no matter how crazy that you might feel

To do life means someone ALWAYS being there

To do life means being there for the important things

To do life means that sometimes no words are needed

To do life means someone showing up ans telling you to get up that its ok to have fun

To do life means you don't have to do your hair

To do life means always checking making sure their heart is ok

To do life means that you are open honest and  including

To do life means that that your little quirks are known and ok

To do life means a lot of laughing 

To do life with me means devotion

How I am left.  I just want to do do life with others I do.

To do life with me means  friendship

To do life with me means I will be a forever

To do life with me I love giving friend presents

To do life with me, I will be forever

To do life with me I will care for your heart

To do life with me,  I will put you first

To do life with me I take care of you

To do life with me I LOVE with all that I am and ask the same. 

To do life with me you will be surprised, loved, valued, you will laugh lots, you will be valued, you will be heard  and I ask that you just be gentle with my sometimes fragile heart. I will give it all and just want to make sure that there is heart left when you decide to leave.

Tracy Chapman  :Devotion 

My body keeps the score

I heard this phrase today and it hit me differently.  My Body absolutely keeps the score of my life.As much as I smile and try to pretend that I am fine,  there are things that show.  The scratches on my wrists, the bruises on my legs the circles under my eyes.  And sometimes I expect people to notice and ask if I am OK, they do not,  and I don't show them off its just those things that I feel people should notice .  Even a quiet little are you OK ?  Often I don't know what I want,  but I know that I want people to care to notice, to do something even if its just being with me.  And I know what that takes because I often push people away but be there in thoughts a little text saying hello.  It's in the little things .  It's always in the little things.

You know I am sure there are things from the past that are trapped inside.  Its hard to explain really.  There are truly not many people that would understand the feeling that your own body becomes something "other".  I have never been comfortable in my own skin. Never ever. There is a book titled Your body keeps the score and I can only do it a little bit at a time but this is the review of that book.  And the words oh my goodness, they fit they fit and make sense and are all the words that I couldn't get out all the feelings that I didn't know how to express.   Here it is :

I just would like to share a wonderful review of "The body keeps the score" 
"My body has not been my friend since age 8; it's been something I was afraid would draw negative attention, be it verbal or physical. I could not move individual parts of my body to exercise; the body was a whole, frozen thing; it didn't have parts that moved separately, like in belly dancing, or most dancing actually, or could be exercised or enjoyed apart from others. My body didn't have any hinges. My body was my prison, my cage, but also the hard thing that protected the soft inner parts of me, my brain, my feelings, my sadness, my loneliness; my love of animals, flowers, and the beauty of the earth; I could hide those things inside my body. My body was the robot I lived in. I didn’t have control over it; I couldn’t relax it; it was always stiff and tight; it wasn’t safe to relax. It was always on alert for hidden dangers.
Anyway, I hated my body; it was my enemy, my betrayer, something to be ashamed of, hidden and just exist with and inside of. My body wasn’t me; it was a stranger that I was trapped inside of. So, I first read Waking the Tiger and that amazed me how our bodies become frozen when we’re not allowed to express and release the traumatic feelings, or don’t let ourselves. That book sort of awakened me to all my body had done for me, and basically how much old, chronic pain it had been in while I’d been despising, and being ashamed of it all this time! Then I began searching for trauma and how it affected the body information. I ran across this as an audiobook in 2015, and I have listened to it I think 4 times now. So much information is in here that was super helpful to me. I can recognize when I’ve gone through a trauma, like hitting an animal with my car, and just letting my body cry to release that tension. I’ve become more familiar with my body and recognize “where” I feel certain emotions. I never paid attention to any of that before; it just happened. I am beginning to realize that my body is a miracle and I need to take care of it, love and accept it and treat it well; it’s not just emotional trauma; everything is remembered in the body. I’ve spoken to some massage therapists and they say they’ve had people just break down and cry when certain parts of their body are massaged; it’s releasing some memory, some pain, some shame that their body has been holding onto. I had that happen to me and I was so embarrassed, once again, by my body. I wasn’t in control of it and that was shameful to me; but it sure meant something to my body that I didn’t remember, or had blocked out. My body was releasing something that had been frozen. As I continue to recognize, appreciate, and heal my body, I am feeling more, and being able to move my hips, my head. I actually have more control over my body and know what it feels like to be able to relax; that is a wonderful gift. I am taking enjoyment in my body once again after decades and feeling like it’s a part of me; that we’re an amazing team.
If any of this makes sense to you; I would encourage you to read/listen to these books and look deeper into you and what has hurt you, and how you can help your body learn to feel again, and be happier. Your body is your friend and it’s a wonderful one in so many ways.  

If that isn't powerful, I need someone to understand this and help me through it.  This is where I think I am getting stuck.  I have done so much work and there are pieces that just aren't even on the same planet.  I have yet to realize some of the things that this person speaks of my body is a miracle, yea not so much right now!!  I can say that I felt that when I was pregnant with the kids.  There is a connectedness,  I never took better care of myself and that was the only time that there was really ever any attention to my body.  There were rough times at the doctors when I would float away   and pretend that I wasn't there.  I just knew it was the right thing for my sweet children. I never felt more alive or in touch.  I was keeping them safe and sound.  

The tension that I hold in my body is extreme.  There is no amount of anything that can make it go away.  Maybe its sad but its something that a person gets used to. There are times it becomes more than i can bear but those times are few and far between.  It's just a fact of life the tightness in my neck and shoulders. The tension that I feel in my bones.  There are still times that I freeze, times that my legs tighten up and I can't even move.  There are still times that I freeze, times that everything stops because my body doesn't forget.  Whether its a smell, a sight, a sound, a touch its so crazy that one second can bring so much back even till this day.  There are days where that is terrifying and days where you think really do I have to do this today ?? Right now ??  So many thoughts someday I will be in the place that I long to be at least in my heart.  Then the inside can finally match the things that are falling into place on the outside. Oh this journey can get absolutely exhausting.

I heart your heart.