All About Tribes, finding your people

You have to heal to find your tribe . On your journey of healing , you must use the support you find along the way wisely. Do not try to hold onto everyone who hands you a pillow to rest your heart, or a piece of bread to feed your soul.  They are not meant to travel with you, so the only way for you to keep them is  to stop travelling on the healing journey. Trust that others are waiting for your arrival on the journey. One day your tribe will greet you.  They may not be survivors. They won't be related to you.  They may be the least likely suspect and it may take you a while to recognize them. You may meet them in at a place you cant even imagine being right now. You may have to travel another decade on the path to find them. But, you can only travel one day at a time. If you stop, you will never reach them.  They cannot come and rescue you. You must travel to where they are. So keep moving. Keep Healing. 

Dr. Rosenna Bakari, #we#2 

Too Much Love Is Not Enough 

On Silence of Littles

Sometimes there are things that hit. And when they hit you its like they know the words that have been swirling in your head; the things that you long for the things that you hope someday will be.  I found this poem on Facebook by Nora Cooper called On Silence.  And the words were this .......

A little while ago another poet asked me for the name of my abuser. They said this was to protect their friends.  So I told them.  I didn't want to I thought I had to. It's just that I have heard so much about survival, Like I should not lie if I am going to cry wolf I must name it. Don't be another girl making another mountain out of a mo-hill. I have heard so much about strength so much about how the voice is redemption; how to speak is to heal sometimes I feel like everyone just wants the resurrection story out of me,  The parts of my survival I know how to make useful.  I am so ashamed of all that which I do not say and sometimes I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to write a poem about it, I don't want to tell my mom. I don't want anyone to look at me like I am brave or like I am a little bird with a broken wing or to look at me at all...Sometimes my heart is breaking and other times I am just tired. I have spent so much time at war with my silence I have forgotten everything she has done for me. When I was terrified to speak when my abuser was in the audience at a slam when they talked to me after when my silence met theirs when this poet demanded a name of me ..when my stomach was nothing but a mess of fear and obligation my silence took my hand and squeezed it gently as if to say you owe them nothing; I am here if you need me to speak only if you want to; so to you quiet child who have kept everything just inside your mouth for whatever reason, I see you even when you say nothing I believe you; I believe that you are scared I believe that it hurts I believe that it happened I believe that you loved them I believe that you didn't I believe that you still do I believe that you are confused about forgiveness and justice......Believe me quiet child you are doing nothing wrong there is no right or wrong here there is only your choice; you speak when you are ready. I promise your silence has not set a caged beast free You did not release a monster you SURVIVED one trust me quiet child I know of a girl before me I do not blame her. I do not blame her my Silence hears this poem looks at me teary eyed and says, I say that I am sorry I hated you I always thought you were the weakest part of me; the part that needed the most forgiveness but no you are the first one who never asked me to prove anything, the only one who believed me before I spoke and after and now when my silence takes my hand.....I squeeze back, I say I know.  I say Thank You and I mean it. 

My books

These books, My Books  are my world. They are everything that is inside that is dark and scary and ugly.  They are all the things that I don't have words for that are to ugly to even come out of my mouth.  I wish sometimes that I could explain all that they hold.  It's the darkness the things that I see from the outside. Those books are my deep dark soul that is more than damaged and feels more than unlovable.These books are the things that no one has ever asked about, no one has even cared to find out about.  These books are everything, they are all the things that I want to be acknowledged and to mean something.  I want these books to be a look into all the things that are unseen all the things that I have survived.  People wonder why I am the way that I am, why I I watch everything and am cautious. These books have helped me survive and given my mind a place to express the horror that is inside.  These books mean more than I can even understand myself sometimes. It takes so much to share them and yet I hare because I do not want to carry all that is in them myself.  The things that they hold ; literally hold me hostage and are heavier than I can bare.  I feel lately that their weight is increasing and the toll that that takes is something that I can't explain. I feel those things that are in books in my bones still to this day.  I wake up with nightmares and feel frozen.  I wake up and my arms are cold and my legs are asleep.  I wake up and my hips are more than achy even after all this time.  I can't hold these things to myself anymore.  I can not carry the weight on my own because I can't and I won'r anymore.  I still feel like so much of those books is my burden to carry because of the choices that I made, wearing his shirt , dancing,  wanting to be a part of the crowd, wanting to belong, those things always got me into a place that I never wanted to be. I feel often like I am still living in the nightmare, and I don't want to live like that anymore.    I smile and I laugh and still smile some more but my heart is broken and its time to share, heal and maybe even let some of those things go that are not mine to carry.  I want all the things that have happened to me to mean something to be important to be big enough for someone to help me through them.   Nothing that ever happened to me was big was hard enough, was scary enough for anyone to step up to the plate and today I think that I have someone who will do that. Who will listen and hear as long as it takes as many times as it takes and that is terrifying and amazing.  I don't have the words for the gratefulness in my heart because 44 long lonely years is more than enough. I am tired, my heart is exhausted and my mind and body are so tired of fighting all the time.  This is more than hard and its going to take a lot out of me, I am sure that in the end when I can dance and not be scared, when I can love and not be afraid when I can openly share and not feel ashamed then it will all be worth it.  Oh, this is incredibly hard and my heart aches,  I don't want to live in this hellish place I want pure joy, pure happiness and I will do anything to make sure that I find it.  A dear man , has said: he is here. And not going anywhere.  If there could only be an explanation for what those words mean to someone like me. He  Has said that the words that come to his mind are courageous,  gritty.
"The other words that come to mind when I think about you are: Resourceful; Determined; Resilient. I would also add Kind to that list."

 These are the words that I need in my mind heart and soul. 
 Those words to describe someone like me,  they feel so foreign, undeserved and yet those are the things that I want to believe, those are the things that I will fight to believe and find the happily ever after place that I long for.

I heart your heart.

Only if your affected

Wow sometimes I am amazed at the things that come out of People's mouths. People that are close, people that know some of the things that I have dealt with and still don't get it. People that are insensitive to any issue that doesn't affect them.  All these things have literally broken my heart tonight and I am more than alone.

I am not sure that I have the right words or if I can even put what went on into words.....it all started with a single question and the night began to spiral. I can't breather there is an elephant on my chest and I want to crawl in a hole.  How does one person deal with all of this.

We were watching the news and they were talking about the new abortion bill; that even in cases of rape and incest it was illegal.  Those things come on the news and I try to keep moving half listening but mostly not. I wait for them to be over and go on with whatever it is that I am doing.   One of those things that kits too close to home.  Well tonight when it came on Vincent asked my mom what she thought.  And again I was half listening, but I heard enough.  She said well it didn't matter, that it was still wrong and that there were other options.  I heard a lot of Blah Blah Blah and no caring no concern, Vincent said something to her and how not right that it was and she kept saying well there are other options and she can have the baby, she can give them up for adoption.  Vincent said but what about that meaning Rape and she said well the morning after pill is ok........

There were so many thoughts running through my head........She has no idea just how broken that I am. Ho hurt that my heart is and how much that I have had to do completely on my own.

Another thing that I can not share , that I live with on my own. I suffer in silence, and hold it ever so close to my heart. It's to much and too heavy for others to know.

She has no idea how hard that this situation is  or how close that this is to my heart and is so much a part of who I am and who my children are.  I have never used the word Rape with my children. When I told them I just said that Charles didn't listen.....Do they put that word on what happened ?  A question for sometime.....I am more than sorry that is something that they even have to contemplate in their life.

On the issue I don't know.....I do not believe in Abortion, I could never harm an innocent little one but I also understand that in cases of rape and incest there are many emotions, feelings and situations that no one can understand unless you have walked in their shoes. I know that for me what I did, the choice that I made was the right one for me.  And I have said it a thousand times,  if I had to do it over again I would to have my children; but that doesn't make what happened to me any less awful, it doesn't make it ok, or make it hurt any less.  I hate what happened to me and how I got pregnant and everything that went with it, the black, the going away, the pillow on my face, him commenting on his beautiful BMW as he left.  I closed the door and went to my bed and cried until there were no more tears.  I was once again left with nothing and 2 weeks later, Yes I am pregnant.  All that mattered was those sweet children and they meant the world to me.  They were my world and I was going to give them all that I never had.  I knew what happened to me, but that didn't matter because those two precious babies were meant to be mine. 

The spiral of the evening left me with a panic attack.  Questions from my children, the nonchalance of my mother.  My own heart and what its been through and the things that I have had to live though.  There is so much and I a, so alone in this.  What does a mom do who was raped and has children ?  I try to think it doesn't matter but there are ties that it does there are times I worry about Vincent being a good guy.  So many pieces.  Once again I am more than sorry that this is something my children have to know and deal with sometimes I do believe it would be easier for them to think I was just a slut, and got pregnant.  That just isn't the case.  There is me the damaged one in the middle.  There are my two beautiful children on one side and the awful terrible rape on the other how do I make sense of that.  How do I not blame myself and  lessen the impact on my sweet beautiful children.  There are no answers and no manual for this.   I am more than sorry for my children, once again I wish I coud make it easier for them.  And for me I would do it all again to have them as mine.  That is so hard, that is scary and heavy.  Yet another thing to carry and try to heal on my own.

I heart your heart. 

Little Callahan

 Yea so many things and I am no sure where I start.  Once again I feel like I have been in this place before and beat myself up that I find myself  here in a place that I know all too well.  I am grateful that I have Mark and feel like he is listening and I am more than grateful.  The timing could not have been better. It seems like I am fine; I am fine; I am fine; and then BAM comes the brick wall.  I feel I have hit hard and I once again want to scream at the world until I feel better. Until I feel safe until I feel a little more peace in my heart.  I feel like I am running all the time trying to do it all and there isn't much left.  And there is no-one there checking to make sure that I am ok ! I think that is the rough spot.  I am pretty much on my own and that is more than heavy.  People aren't around and I won't pretend to be someone that I am not just to fit in somewhere.  So that leaves me smiling and doing things on my own.  In counseling there is a lot, and its really really hard.  There are so many things that still so hurt my heart.  I would think that I would be done by now, that I would feel whole that I wouldn't feel that awful terrible inside.  I still see the world through all the things that I have been through.  And I fight the good fight trying to be better and sometimes the past still wins.  I feel like right now, its winning.  My heart is heavy and things are happening that I am not sure what to feel .  I am not sure how to take care of myself and do all the things that I need to do.

Mark has said that he thinks little Callahan is closer than I think that is a good thing and also terrifying.  She is at least in the building in the same room.  She is still not a favorite,  but I can't  hate her.  I am just more than sorry and want so much to change things make them better. I am more than sorry for the things that she has lives through for the things that she has to carry and I want to not feel so much less than everyone else all the time.  That feeling of being less than is more than huge and I know the right things in my head .  I know all the it's not m fault, I didn't do anything wrong. I KNOW all those things in my head but my heart ..........yea, that is a different story.  I feel that if I let her in less her close enough to take care of I will shatter and there won't be anything left. 

I think how I see her changes I would like to think of her in this safe happy place and no one can ever hurt her again.  A place that is safe, that is bright that has all the things that A little girl could ever want,  yet she is alone and even though she might smile she is always afraid.  Always in fear of being hurt one more time,  and that being the finally straw and there is an inner knowing that she just couldn't take it,  she wouldn't make it her mind would leave and never come back.  That is the fear, so she is alone and isolated and trying to smile through all the awful terrible things that have been done to her , that she somehow has lives through.  And then I sometimes see her cowering in the corner,  with monsters hovering and she sees nothing but the things that have been done and feels like this is her life.  I know that she is me and , she is a part of me she is that little girl that was hurt so much but its easier and harder all at the same time to have her close and not keep her at a distance.  I feel like I keep her at arm's length more like many arms because I fear what it will be like when she is right in front of me and I can't push her away.  I feel like for me I see the pictures in pieces and parts and its not all connected.  I feel like she is all connected most of the time and that terrifies me.  I wake up with the nightmares and the bruises and I feel things that happened in my bones and its often scattered and indescribable.  I really think that little Callahan is more aware and feels more than I have ever imagined.  I know the weight of what I carry and am more than afraid to take on her feelings, emotions and experience.  I feel like she has the words that I don't have.  She has the experiences that I see in detail playing all the time.  I feel more than crazy, how does a person life normal ?  How does a person live a happy fulfilled life knowing all the things that have happened and how different that I see the world around me.  There are things about me that have been changes forever and I don't know any other way.  Can I see things different, Do I see some things different yes but those tapes play and they are horrendous and I don't know how to make that a worthy part of who I am.  I fight being worthy with all those things being pictures what happens when I connect with Callahan and feel her weight that she carries.   It feels very big and very heavy and I always wonder if I am strong enough for her. What if I am not ?

I heart your heart.     

Making Meaning

I try more than hard to make sense out of the things that have happened to me.  I want to understand I want to see a clear picture,  I want to understand why so much in one life over and over.  I want a tree to be a tree, I want people to stay I want people to be genuine and care for my heart. I don't want to be afraid, I don't want to sleep with  the lights on.  I want people to hear me, hear what I am saying. I need people to understand me; my heart why I am the way that I am.  I want people to acknowledge those hard days for me and that be ok.  Those anniversaries that hurt, Aug 22, Valentines, the spring weather at times I want people to acknowledge those things and just say that they are thinking of me. I want to make a difference for people. I never want anyone to have to feel the feelings that I have always felt.  I want to be a part, I want to belong somewhere.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin.  I want to be held when I cry and sat with when I don't even have the words or can't find them.  I want to feel safe in the world, I want to know that I can keep myself safe now.  I want to know that I am not the awful that has happened I want someone to see the me that is under the pain and the hurt and the sad.   I want people to acknowledge my heart and be careful.  Because I an not your normal person I have been hurt in ways that you will never understand.  I have been shattered and torn and somehow managed to live through it all and I want someone to see that and laugh with me cry with me and be extra gentle.  Because I can't and won't be hurt anymore.  If you do not have good intentions and can't be gentle and genuine and kind and caring then walk away.  Don't pretend that you care and then walk all over my heart.  Don't hold my hand tell me I am brave then leave me alone in grief.  Don't stay if it's not forever, don't get near me if you don't mean the things that you say.  I need to find a way to not have the things that have happened to me be so separate. I see it all so clear the little details, the colors, the hands, their eyes, my body feels the things that have happened and I can't even explain how that happens,  feeling numb and

 yet I can smile and do the things I need to do.  I want the me now to match. I want my inside and outside to match.  I want to be OK when things get rough. I want to be OK when I remember, when I can't make the pictures go away.I want to be OK when yet another person leaves me behind because I am too much of the things they can't and won't understand.

This afternoon I watched The Accussed, I watched it and I felt it in my bones.  I have been there the terror and my heart feels heavy.  I don't want my heart to know the hurt that it knows.   And in the end there was meaning she fought, with all that she had and she won.  She won; that look at the end of the trial it was for something , there was not I did this for nothing,  There was I did this and can sleep, I did this and I made it.  I am OK I am still alive and there are great things for me to accomplish. I have had small moments like that, but I want the peaceful kind, the kind that is a weight lifted, the kind that I don't feel like I am carrying it all on my own.  I want to know that someone gets it and are ok when I am not OK.  That those times I am not good at all,  they just hug a little tighter say hello a few more times and just let me know that they care.

The things that have happened are so much my life,  I don't know anything before and I don't think people understand that at all. I am building from a foundation that was nothing solid and everything evil.  That alone,  is big, its huge and doesn't just go away. I want the things that have happened to have a special place; to be acknowledged. I need to know that I am so much more than those things, I want to believe that but I honestly don't.  Making meaning  has a lot to do with the abuse and the pain but its what makes me me, that makes the meaning and  where I have been; the things I have lived through, but where I am going.  For me making meaning means that there has to be a peaceful place somewhere for all that has happened to be acknowledged and heard and yet I will still be me and somehow will still be lovable.  Making meaning means that all the things that happened are a part of me, an important part of me, but the me that I have chosen to become is just as important.

I heart your heart.

Can I just pretend that this is forever ? Please

So many things so many thoughts.

  I am just going to pretend this is forever. This place is forever.

I am going to have my very own spot.

 with my very own person every Tuesday.

This feels more than amazing.  I am more than grateful.

I have a place.  A safe place. 

I heart your heart.

Little Callahan is grateful Mark