Indifference

I think that I have felt this from others for some time and I have never had the word.  It was the shoulder shrug,the look of not caring, the looking the other way.  I am the queen of knowing just when someone is being indifferent.  I sometimes even get it at school, with my principles.  I am not a favorite, I am not the in crowd, the cool teacher so I get the talking over and no connection at all. I feel like  I am the one that goes above and beyond,  I will jump in front of a train to keep someone safe. I will work more than hard to make sure that my job is done to a T. I will forget my hurt and do whatever it is that you need and yet I get indifference.  Yes this is it. A total lack of interest.  No concern. 

lack of interest, concern, or sympathy:


Yes .  I have cried and shared from my heart in my own home and gotten nothing.  No feeling no support no love and it just makes the pain worse.  And when someone does respond and their heart hurts for you it makes those moments of indifference hurt even more.  There are a handful of times I have gotten that from my mother and I can tell you that years later I have never forgotten and they still hurt like it was yesterday.  I will never have indifference, I will love or I will disagree but I will not be indifferent.  I write that and realize that the one who has shown me so much indifference, I am often indifferent to her.  That is a realization,  because I don't care.  I have gotten so much indifference that I am shoveling it back in mounds.  At this point I am not sure that there can be a resolution,  because those things have been done. Such indifference has been shown that I can not go back to the way that things once were.  Things have been done that have left open wounds and no care to help make them better. I have sat on the couch 2 feet from my mother sharing my soul, and there was nothing a shoulder shrug and piles of indifference.I was crying so hard that I couldn't catch my breath,  I shared my soul and nothing. Nothing.  I am done trying.  I can't be involved and give so much only to be treated as something so indifferent it doesn't matter, my life, concerns, issues, and thoughts do not matter. I think that often indifference comes from self centeredness,  and that is more than difficult because that is something that I will never be.  For most you will come first. Your needs your wants I will always make sure that your heart is taken care of,  ALWAYS ALWAYS  .I have felt this indifference from so many in my life and giving it a name I feel like there are so many more situations that seem to fit.  Times when I have shared my abuse and and gotten indifference.  From Joan to the priest.  Times I have shared things with James and only gotten indifference....Yes even from him.  I can not do that anymore and I will not try to solve things with those that are indifferent towards me.  Amy who has been to Texas I can't tell you how many times and I am not a thought , I am not even a text saying hello, I am indifferent to her and that hurts a person;s heart.  These people talk about loving others, and I am so confused.  You can not have those conversations about loving others and then at the same time show such great indifference towards other loving feeling human beings that you know loved you so very much.  When I became so indifferent to them I had to hold my heart and realize you can not keep fighting when you are seen as something that is out of sight out of mind.  Goodness that one hurts.   I will not be indifferent to the things that matter the most I will not be indifferent to others,  I will listen and hear and do what I do because it matters.  I will always stop in the hall and ask how you are, how your father is that is in the hospital,  how your son's surgery went,  how you are on those hard days because that is who I am .  And for those that have shown me such great indifference I am not trying anymore because my heart can't take the chance to see your lack of what I need the most.  Love, Respect, care. I will not bare my soul for you to shrug and walk away.  For you to turn the other way and share your excuses.  I will not give my time when I am seen as indifferent to you.  I will always heart your heart and be grateful for the time that we had, its just that I can't keep trying when your indifference pushes me further under. 


I heart your heart. 

Facts Truth Therefore

So for my homework I am working on this and I can tell you that it is more than difficult.  So take a window sill .  The fact is its there and its brown.  The truth is It's an ugly color and I don't like it at all.  There fore I am going to paint it make it pretty and do something about it.  That seems so simple but when it comes to me, I seem to be hitting a brick wall.

Fact :  I was hurt and got pregnant with my amazing children

Truth:  I would do it all over again to have them and to be their mom.

Therefore:  And I get stuck.  Because the hurt in my heart  can not change I can not make things any easier for them or shield them from things that they will have to face......because of the facts.

And So I am more than struggling with this.  And writing earlier today I have realized that the more I am fighting the more that I am breaking my own heart.  That is hard to look at. And I blame myself and all the finger pointing goes right to me....  I want so much to be whole to move forward to feel comfortable in my own skin yet I fight with everything that I have trying to make so much evil, into something understandable.  I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND IT, ANY OF IT. There is no making sense out of the evi that has gone on in my life.  I feel this need to do something with it, like if I just look at it different, if I just see if from a different perspective then just like that all will be well.  Trauma , the things that have happened the things that have been taken I can not get back and I will never understand them ......I have to stop fighting to make sense when there is none.  There is no sense in these things on my heart, there is no sense why me, there is no sense to so much in one life there is no one thing or words or movie that are going to help me understand.   Yet, I fight to do just that !!!!  How crazy insane ??  I am terrified to stop fighting that somehow they win if I stop fighting if I stop trying to figure things out,  it feels like they win and I don't want them to win I want to win and be better a better human a stronger  braver more courageous person those things are for fighters not someone who sits back and accepts things.  I am stuck I don't want to accept what has happened, I don't want to bring it close hold it look at with out trying to figure it out,  I fear that it would eat me alive.  I don't know how not to fight.  I don't know how to let those things sink in to let them be and to be ok.  My head is one confusing place to be.

Fact:  There have been many mean, evil bad people in my life .

Truth:  I can't change it and I didn't invite it

Therefore:  I have to give myself some grace for Surviving

That is so much easier said than done.  In that it mans I have to stop fighting.  I want to get from hell to heaven in a split second and I am missing the journey I don't want to do that. Mark always says what about the in between  I don't want to miss that; the in between, the good the progress the ability o see just how far that I have come.  I so want to hold my head up high and be able to say yea, those things were terrible but I am so much more.  Someday I am more than working on it. 

I heart your heart.

Realizing So much

This week was one of those anniversaries that I can't get away from. This August 22 was painful and I ended the day crying.  I only wanted to be normal to fit in, 16 years ago I just wanted the world to make sense for me and I have realized that was and is too much to ask.  My world will never make sense.  My world will never have any understanding that will ease the pain and the hurt because they are just what they are evil.  And ALL those things happened to me, no matter how hard that I look for some elusive answers they will have still happened I will have still been alone and I will still be broken. This will always be a day that that is full of so much.  Such happiness and sadness all at the same time.  I am trying to understand how I can be so sad about something that gave me the things that make me the most happy.  I emailed Mark, because the weight of the day was crushing and realized that he just holds space for me. He doesn't try to fix them, he helps me understand.  He lets the feelings be and doesn't make them less than but they just are.  I can not even begin to tell you what that mans.  Because for me I have been running my entire life.  All the things that happened to me were always just brushed under the carpet and the world kept going. Pick yourself up callahan there are things to be done.  I have to learn that stopping the fighting, and just letting things be is maybe a first step for me.   I feel like mark is taking the time to acknowledge them and as hard as that is that is one of the things that I have always needed.  I find myself wanting to fight because I am afraid of those things swallowing me whole and never being me again. If I just stop sit with them, let them be and allow myself time to not be ok and then get back in the game.  Live life.  I am not sure at times that I am living this life, I am walking backwards making sure that all those things that have happened to me every rape and abuse and threat to my life has some meaning that there is no meaning other than evil people did evil things and I have the strength to say yes those awful terrible things happened and I am scared to death to be hurt again but I won't stop trying and I won't stop fighting for the things that I believe in.   I think his reaction is allowing me time to realize well that is what I am trying is that I don't have to fight to figure out something that there is no reason for, no explanation for it just happened.  Somewhere in my head I so want it to make sense, I want there to be a reason so I can make sure that I never make those mistakes again.  That I never choose a shirt that I never want things that are not made for me.  That I never get to involved and lost in something and forget that there might be danger.  Those are the things that I can not ever let myself forget. I hold on so tightly not letting myself off the hook because I have to avoid letting myself be hurt.  EVER. AGAIN. 

You would think that as Don held a gun to my head that I would have learned I would have done things different and yet I still talked to Charles wanting to be normal and he ended up coming to my house, I feel like I can't forget all those stupid things that I did and ways that I acted thinking that if I just do things different that I won't be hurt. I hold on to those things as a shield I think, thinking surely I will have to hold on to what I learned so that "THAT" thing doesn't happen again.

I am more than afraid to be seen and yet I want that more than anything.  The things that I am so holding onto are the same things that are keeping me scared and alone.  I hold on thinking I have things to learn so that I will be safe in this crazy world.  I worry that the more I am fighting the more that I am breaking my own heart trying to figure things out.

I saw this and it had my heart , I want to get there I just have to stop running, stop fighting :

"But once the sadness from the loss of hope subsided a different sadness appeared. A deep, heavy grief—grief for what I lived through, grief for what didn’t happen and grief for what might never heal. And this grief is with me now. I realize I have spent years running away from it, wanting it to be gone, wanting to fix it, wanting it not to be true. And now I am just sitting with it, the way you sit at the bedside of a very sick friend. Learning to live with what is broken is like that I think. You can’t do anything to actually change the situation, but you can be there, you can stick by yourself, and you can be good company to yourself while you go through the experience. And maybe that’s healing of a different sort." Gretchen L. Schmelzer


Oh my heart I heart your heart .  

He said it

He said it the words that I don't want to hear. It literally broke my heart.  He was making comments about being black and was watching some TV show  .  I said but you are white.  He said something like well I am mixed and I said I am white and he said it again. It seemed that that moment all in the world stopped.  Why would my son want to connect with that part of him .  Inside my heart broke and I didn't say another word. I asked Mariska is she ever thought of herself as mixed and she smiled and said she had bigger things to worry about.  It felt awful hearing those words from him, it felt like I wasn't enough and it literally killed me.  I want so much for him to be a good guy and for him to connect with that part of himself seems to me like another assault and its unimaginable.  I know that there are going to be more hard conversations to be had.  I know that he doesn't want to hurt me and is trying to figure things out.  It just felt like he was pulling something in that I want to keep very far away.  I hate that my children have to deal with these things.  I hate that it bothers me so much.  I hate that I couldn't just let it go. I feel like lately he is pushing buttons trying to get at me, because he does not know what to ask. I know that I have work to do before I can honestly answer his questions.  I so worry about his heart.  This is one of the hardest things I will ever face in my life because it affects what matters the most.  Goodness I love them more than life and I want them to be comfortable in their own skin and worry that this piece will get in the way. 

There will never be answers to this there will never be closure.  There will never be that moment when I feel that I can totally put this to rest.  How does a person deal with something that is a biggest blessing yet caused by something that is truly gut wrenching....There are no answers.  This breaks my heart I fear that I am not enough and he will want more and more information.  Mark mentioned a DNA test and I couldn't breathe what if someday they do that what if someday they find

 him what if it  breaks my heart....And I don't know what to do with that.  On my life I hope that they never want to find him.  What he he has a different story.....I mean I didn't fight I just went away.....I knew what was going to happen.....what if my broken heart....can not take it.... I can not even go there.... 


I heart your heart .

Amazingly Brave

So the word is Brave, that was my homework to look the word up and to do some research on the word.  When I think brave I think running into a building to save someone, I think firemen and police.  I think someone doing something that I wonder if I would be able to do.  Yesterday I had a training for work about trauma informed care and about their little minds and things that we can do as teachers.  It was really really good and I think look at the impact that this can make for children trauma can literally change their physiology.  So its not all in the mind its not just something from the outside there are literally changes in the brain that make so many things that much more difficult.

And for me I think there were so many red flags.  I couldn't even read until third grade,  School was always more than hard,  even college I loved it but I had to work really really hard.  The crowds the triggers the boys the groups of men that all reminders made things exceptionally hard. Being in that class a lot of things made sense and it is more than amazing that I was able to make it through school, that I was able to make it through college and get my degree.  That is pretty amazing.  And my first semester at school going through the justice system that is either pretty stupid or pretty brave. Maybe even it was a little of both.

 It's amazing to me that I  have for the most part been able to outwardly contain all that was going on inside.  Like no wonder there is a little 5 year old in the corner scared to death of everyone and everything, because for her entire life she had to be. People are not kind, they are not here to help and they will end up leaving you or hurting you.  She had to hide she had to be quiet she had to learn things quickly or risk even more pain and embarrassment .   Yes; now its not a good thing, and many of those things that have kept me sane that have kept me together just don't work anymore.  I am in a much different place and it still makes me more than angry that I hold on so tight to all the things that have happened to me like some goblin keeping their jewels safe.  Because holding on so tight keeping things quiet and smiling through it all has kept me alive, has gotten me through school and college and literally gotten me thru life in general but at this point all those things that kept me alive that allowed me to smile are not helping me at all.  There is no need to keep that little 5 year old safe,  even though that thought is burnt in my brain like the need to breathe. At all costs just keep her Safe she can not handle any more hurt, she wouldn't make it.  I have to keep her safe at all costs because I know that anymore hurt, pain or abuse and she would shatter into pieces and there would be no putting her little soul back together, she surely wouldn't make it. 

I like the saying that I have a 100% record of making it through the really hard days and I would like to think that makes me Unbelievably Amazingly brave.

I heart your heart

Never enough EVER

Never the favorite, never a first never the one that is picked first for anything. Never the one that is thought of that is valued that ;that matters at all. Decisions are made, your heart never taken into consideration.  Always left behind never even a thought for people and that gets old and it really hurts.  With my brother being around its amazing the things that are brought up from when I was growing up.  I was never chosen I always came in second.  And Once again I see that and its more than frustrating.  Father's day I was not a thought, Fourth of July not a thought, as a history I am never enough.  Not religious enough not athletic enough, I am not anything enough to be a first pick to be a favorite..  I am just never that enough. I don't understand why.  People say these kind things about the person that I am yet I am still not enough.  What I want what is it that I do want I want to be enough and just for once in this life I want to be first, I want to be someones choice .  This makes me so very very sad I can't even, this lonely place I feel so other than so different so dirty and gross and disgusting.  In my head that is the reason its because of the gross and disgusting that I am left without a thought, left to be second or completely left out .......

I heart your heart.

Mother

Oh my goodness, my heart.  You know there is a piece I want more than anything is for people to give a shit.  To care to be concerned. This morning was everything rough there were crazy emotional nightmares last night and every night since Thursday.  Hiding and being seen and wanting to speak out wanting so much to make a difference for others.  And then today waking up with crazy nightmares, and being beyond exhausted the dogs were crazy, running around.  I was lying on my stomach talking to Mariska and they started biting my hair and my neck, first they were playing but they quickly were not playing and got too rough.  I asked for help as I tried to bury my face from the dogs and Mariska couldn't hear me,  And it got worse they got rougher and I finally was able to ask for help a little louder and got the dogs off myself.  Then my mother shows up at the door, I asked Mariska to help, that I was serious and my mothers reaction hit me like a ton of bricks and a knife through my heart and a realization that it has been like this my entire life.  He was the most important then her and then me........ 

She said "well I just got here".....and she stood there in my door way...doing nothing showing no care or concern

No are you ok; can I do anything nothing; just nothing and she walked down the stairs.  Well "I just got here" rang in my ears all morning and each time making me more and more angry and I think that what it has been like most of my life.  And certain situations come to mind, one that I remember so vividly it still tears at my very being.  When I couldn't stop crying and woke him up and she went to take care of him,  I was devastated I laid there my little world spinning tearing my tissue into smaller and smaller pieces hoping that soon I would stop hurting stop crying.  I couldn't make my little body stop hurting and she was all about him.She was there for a minute but really she was worlds away  I can see them both standing in my room and I just wanted someone to protect me take care of me, ask me what happened DO SOMETHING...ANYTHING....I don't remember their words but he left my room and she went right after him.   And you know what I was worried about, I was worried about what he was going to do to her....as she left me in my bed in pieces I was worried about her. That is more than hard to comprehend , I just wanted someone to stand up for me to make sure that I was ok.  And I think you know where did I get any sense of direction what so ever.  I had to handle everything about that night on my own, what he did to me, understanding the pain, understanding being left.  I want to understand how a little girl of 5 gets her head around a night like that.

I think about all the times that I was being hurt and she saw nothing heard nothing noticed nothing and that breaks my heart.  I wanted so much to be held and cared for and protected.  No one ever protected me EVER and today I feel that I want someone so much to keep me safe to hear me to acknowledge the things that I am afraid of .  So crazy making the house that I grew up in and the terror and the loneliness, there was no one .

I hate this this night sticks out so much in my mind.   It wasn't even the rape that stands out, that was common, it was more painful more violent it was all the reactions afterwards, mine and everyone else's.  I was angry at myself for crying for not being able to stop hurting for waking everyone up for not talking for worrying about my mother; for seeing my mother in front of him and thinking I just had to do that.  I saw her as a victim.  I see him so clear sitting there with his headphones on and her kneeling in front of him, I think that I beat myself up for not running to save her , when all I wanted to do was run to him and have him be proud that I didn't tell her anything.  I don't know how to make sense of this night and so many little pieces. I see them  so very clear.  These are the things that so hurt my heart.  I don't understand why I can't get over this piece why I go over it so many times in my head, because I want so much to make sense of it like just one time something is going to make sense and then I will be able to let it go.....I want to let it go I see letting it go and it leaving my hands but I open my eyes and my fingers have a death grip I want it to make sense to this heart of mine.  I just wanted someone to notice and care.

I heart your heart.