I can remember seeing the previews for this movie when it was first released, and I thought, "Wow, this is going to be a good one." Of course, time passes, and life gets busy. Somehow, last week, it came up, and I found the movie and ordered it. Amazing sometimes that things happen just when they need to, just when they are able to make the most impact. So I watched it last night and was wrecked. So many pieces of the movie were so close to my heart. No one wants to talk about abuse and the ramifications of that. Some say that they do, but I can tell right away that they don't really mean it. People want to be politically correct, but when it suits them and doesn't challenge the views that they hold.
After watching the movie, I have so many thoughts and feelings that I am not sure where to start. It touched so many different aspects of my own story that it was overwhelming. My heart is everywhere and nowhere—crushed, healing, and everything in between—all at the same time.
It's about a group of women in a religious community that are continually attacked and assaulted. The children and the women who have become pregnant as a result. They have chosen to make a decision as a community, do they stay and forgive the men, do they fight, or do they decide to leave, trying to keep everyone safe. There is a lot of talk about forgiveness and why some of them are so affected and others are affected, but keep moving forward. There are scenes about the brutalness of these assaults, the blood, the horror, and the damage that can be done to a body.
The scenes with the blood were exceptionally hard for me. I can remember times after I was assaulted when I was young, and there would be blood. I can remember being terrified, then when it became almost normal, I just knew what had to be done. I can still so vividly remember sneaking outside to the trash on those exceptionally hard nights and throwing my bloody underwear away. My bare feet on the cold, rocky ground. I can remember seeing the blood on my thighs and bruising. I hated myself for letting those things happen. For knowing what he wanted. I can remember what I saw like it was yesterday. Being so alone at maybe 5 or 6 and just knowing what had to be done. I knew that no one was going to keep me safe; no one was going to take care of me. That aloneness is something that I don't think will ever go away. There was a little girl in the movie who was 4 and was raped. That changes you, and you can't play like all the other little girls anymore. Your body is violated, and it makes you different. You feel different; you experience the world differently from that point forward. It changes your heart in ways that I am still trying to understand.
There is talk about those women who did become pregnant. Their thoughts and feelings towards the little life that they carried. All the thoughts, like how could you love something like that, how can you bare to look at them. I think of my sweet Vincent and Mariska and how I loved them from the second that I knew. They were my everything and all that mattered in this world. Nothing that happened to me mattered; they were what was important. They were mine, and I was going to make sure that they lived lives that were very different from the lives that I had lived. There was a moment when one of the women was getting water, and she placed the man's hand on her belly, feeling her baby, and tears fell down his face. He was sorry for what had happened to her and told her that he loved her and would care for her and her baby. Such a tender, special moment. I never had that kind of love, and there is a deep ache that I may never know a love like that, I wondered if she knew how lucky she was to be loved like that. I think of being 13 and Calvin feeling my belly. That moment just him and I, she mattered. My Bella mattered and was important. I felt seen and cared for.
This is a movie that will take me some time to process and digest. It was done so well and hit so many areas of my life. Growing up with such violence takes lifetimes to overcome. I am doing the work, and I will fight until my last breath, but I get tired because these are things that should never happen to any woman or child. I am alone in this battle in so many ways, and yet I keep fighting.
There is a great deal of talk about forgiveness, what it means, and who should be forgiven. That is always a tender spot for me. They say forgiveness is more for you than the other person. Well, then, for me, I am just fine. No amount of forgiveness can heal my heart and make me whole. I do not believe in a god that lets children be destroyed before they even have a feel for the world. I am alone in the things that have happened to me, and I wonder if I will always feel that way. I have a sense of being so different, less than, and unworthy of so much that others take for granted. I don't know if that feeling can ever be totally erased.
There was one woman who had these panic attacks, and another woman said look at you wanting all this attention. What makes you so special we have all experienced these things. We all deal with things differently. Some move on, pretending they are fine. Some get angry and are going to get those around them before they ever fall victim again. Some heal, some don't, some cry, some don't. Some get angry so angry, and some don't. Some are loud in their healing, and others are silent. There is no right or wrong; we are all healing in the way that makes sense to us. I will forever heal loudly for all those who can't or don't know how to heal and have barriers that make healing something far away. I will heal and share and forever be on this journey until every voice is given a safe place to heal and is heard.
So many things are never talked about, and the silence is deafening. No one wants to hear about how your body was used. No one wants to acknowledge the facts about what happens. No one wants to hear about the things that keep you up at night, scared as the pictures play over and over and you think about what you could have done differently. It's not about poor me; it's not about the gross details. It is a fact that these things happened, and I have to learn to live with them and find a life that I can be proud of. All the things that have happened to me are not the reason that I am here today. In spite of all those things I am here and healing and learning to be gentle in all the ways that I never experienced.
I heart your heart.
