Hold hands with the Elephant and own it

And no one ever seems to want to discuss the elephant in the room.  

What about the little girl that has been tortured and abused ?

What about how hard she will have to fight

for the rest of her natural born life, 

Just to Bloom ?

Little Girl Speak 

I once again saw this picture, and the aha moment that followed was greatness. I am a person that hold hands with the elephant in the room, but at just the right distance.I think I have been for a long time,  for the most part from afar. I am realizing that I need to be right there holding on until my knuckles turn white to accomplish all the things I long to do.  Most people shy away and ignore. Nope, not me I am right there holding on, for dear life. I think that for a long time this is something that I wanted nothing to do with.  I was going to do everything that I possibly could to heal to get better to make my life something that I wanted it to be; but I was going to do that by keeping the elephant a million miles away, I think I thought that I was holding on but there was a part of me that was just like everyone else.  I knew he was there, there was no sweeping him under the carpet, but there were times he was often ignored and parts of me paid the price. I was acknowledging him, just from as far away as possible, to me that was a win win. I was acknowledging him just making sure that he was far away and  wouldn't crush me.  Because I have believed that the closer that the elephant was, the closer I would be to death.  I have believed that looking at the hard things, feeling the things that are the hardest would be the things that would kill me; literally crush me . Really the thing that was killing me is keeping everything far away, and pretending that I was so much stronger than all the things that were done to my little body and soul, and all the ways that I was affected. If I am going to heal, if I am going to create and have all of my dreams then I must learn to hold on to that elephant acknowledge little Callahan and all of her thoughts and feelings in all the mess and the beauty and devastation that has been our life.    Its got to be all of us, Me ,little Callahan and that big elephant, all working together.  I can't pick and choose we all have to work together .  I can't ignore little Callahan and all the strength that she holds and the things she has survived. We have done this together, sometimes it was her, other times it was me; we went through hell together and we will rebuild together.

I see this picture and its heartbreaking, its astonishing and its right there in your face. That elephant is all the ugly gross and disgusting that this sweet little girl had to endure.  Just look at the size difference.  I am asking that you stare at that picture until it sinks in, I am talking to you Callahan. There was nothing that I could have done differently to make things turn out prettier, there is nothing I could have done to be better, to be smarter, to be quieter or to be a better daughter.  The only thing I knew how to do was to hold on, survive and see the little things around me.  This is all that I knew.  This was my life.  I have never let go.  There have just been times, when I have tried to keep it far away for pure survival.  So now I have to learn to hold on,  keeping things not at bay but close to my heart.   What I have to do now is be brave and stand with my story, own it.  I am not sure that I have owned my story, I think parts and pieces I did but I have never stood in my whole story and been proud of myself.  I have never stood in my story with out shame and hatred for myself.  I can see that I have come a long way.  I also see, there is a long way for me to go.  I am not sure that I have ever been in a place where I was ready to face the things that haunt me most.  I am tired of feeling like I am so much less than everyone else because my story is different.  I am tired of feeling like I am less then because I am weird, I am pesky and I love harder than you could ever imagine.  I do not deserve less because of the things that others ave done to me.

I feel like I just need time to sit and breathe with little Callahan, and just be.  I have to let her have a voice.  I know she is there somewhere and maybe acknowledging her she will find her place without shame and doubt.  I don't think she has ever had the luxury of a break, so we are in this together. We need the elephant its a part  of us, its part of who we are down to our bones. We need relief ; we need to acknowledge the elephant, but bring it down to size and  out  of  everyday view.  What the elephant owns and stands for is so not who we are. It's time for us to bloom.

I heart your heart.