I am asking because I truly wish that I knew the answer. Because right now I am struggling. I am struggling a lot and I feel like there is nothing in this world that I can do about it. I needed a break and went downstairs and I just wanted to sit in my chair, zone out no questions nothing expected . I wanted to get warm under my blanket and very nicely fall asleep to rest my burning eyes, from the tears. that wouldn't stop all morning. What was I thinking that was not an option, rest is never an option. My morning was asked about, I responded about it being hard after an evaluation where I was torn to shreds and there not being support. No response, no care, no concern. Well wow thanks for asking. If anyone knows me do not ask me a question and then pretend that you did not because you don't like the answer.
Silence.
Right now there are so many things that I want to get out, I want to continue to heal but feel like I am so stuck. I am stuck in this house, I am stuck with the people who have ignored and pretended they didn't see a thing. I am plain stuck and I need people on the outside, I need people to give me a different view. I need to be seen . I need to be heard and I need people to give a shit. I don't think I valued just how connected I was to those that I saw everyday. Even if they didn't know the personal details, of my heart, there were people that were there and saw me, there was a caring that somehow made things better. It's a terrible thing not to be seen and heard.
Silence
And I think during this time I feel like I was coming into my own skin, I was starting to take deep breaths and become......And all the time that; that takes I feel like someone came and smashed me into the ground, because no one was able to see the value or importance. I think of it as those slow motion flowers that you see blooming, and you see the rain drops on the petals and the struggle and then the blooming, the beautiful blooming. I kind of feel like I was in that place, things were falling into place, pieces were coming together. Then the blackness creeps in and the panic and fear fill my heart like stone. And once again all those things that I try to fight are right there ever present and its heavy, and it hurts.
Silence
I wish that I was more confident and didn't let these little things creep in so fiercely and completely take over. I want to win, for once I want to win. This place I am in feels like a curse, like I will never be able to stand in my story, be comfortable in my skin and be proud of who I am. I wish that I could silence you for the moment to make you understand.
Silence.
Each morning she begins with how did you sleep ? And I want to scream have you not listened to me my entire life ?? I hate sleeping terrible awful things happen in the night when I sleep, the nightmares are still haunting and I often don't win. Sure you look down the hall you may see that I am sleeping, but I can promise you there are battles going on in my very soul that make rest impossible. I sleep in my chair, in the daytime, I sleep those little cat naps; that is where I get my rest yet you bother and disturb because you don't understand that and wonder why I get so frustrated.
Silence
In these 4 walls I don't feel like my story is free. It's mostly free here on my blog , in my art journals and as much as these are a part of my life, I need more. There has to be more than the pictures on those pages, and the word that are typed. There has to be a connection to someone outside, who can see them and understand . A connection to someone reading the words and truly hearing you. That is what I need right now. Someone to stop and say there is no more need to be silent. You are seen and heard and you are valuable and important with every cell in your body.
Please don't ever let me be silent. Please don't ever let me stop. Don't ever stop. Speak, write create, share . I have to. For me, for you and for others who can't or don't know how.
I heart your heart.
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