There are so many things. I was more than happy in my house on Creekview. I was the happiest that I had ever been and also the saddest. I was the happiest because I had a place that was mine. I could sit and rest and that was ok. I could clean my dishes and fold my laundry just the way that I liked. I could laugh and play with my kids and things were SO SO good. It was also a time of sad realizing that I was on my own that it was my kids and I. he past was so very heavy and there were many thoughts and feelings that were more than heavy and being on your own makes them that much more heavy. As we moved into Creekview, was when my mother lost her Job. She was just back in my life after being gone for years. She was unkind, and everything was about her, I was finishing my last few semesters at school, taking care of Vincent and Mariska subbing when I could. Those few years when the kids were in elementary school were really hard. I was alone and had no one. My mother was all about herself, and what she wanted, I was never enough. I never did enough and I got in her way all the time. She didn't like how I did things. She didn't like me. One of the straws that broke the camels back was when I sat on the couch with her sobbing, telling her ho I was feeling and she just sat there. There was no emotion no feeling no question of even wanting to understand where I was coming from. I was done, I was tired of not being understood, and not feeling like I meant anything. The second straw was an email that was left out, and it was from a women at her church, saying not to let me steal her joy, not to let me turn the kids again st her, there was this religious talk and it tore me to shreds, like I was this most awful person. I was read that email and was devastated, once again more information that I was nothing, and I was a bother. So we moved out. I was done. I was done with the self centered-ness and lack of compassion and understanding for who I was as a person as her daughter, as a mother. I was crying all the time and life was beyond heavy. I was done so we moved out. There was little contact. I didn't want to have a relationship with someone who routinely crushed my heart, meaning to or not it was done and that is the last thing that I needed from my mom in this lifetime. As things began to crumble there, as I became stronger I thought things might be different. As I moved into my very own place on Creekview little by little I let her in. She came over for dinner, she would spend the night it was good. We were in a good place. Then she lost her job. She was in her early sixties and had no idea what she was going to do, she would not have enough money to live on her own. And of coarse thinking well what if I just get a bigger house, which moved into she would sell her house and we could all move in together and be one big happy family.It sounded good at the time.
We didn't even have a year of even being back in a relationship and I was offering to change everything for her. I was giving up my very own happy place so that she would be taken care of. I had no idea what this moment in time would cost me and my children. I had no clue just how much that things would change. I had no clue about the impact of this one choice on me.
Of coarse in the beginning I was the daughter that was going to take care of everything. I was the daughter that was going to make everything OK. I was the daughter that was didn't think about what that would mean and I had no idea just how short the honey moon would last.
So we went looking at houses. My mothers house sold in less than a week and we had to find a place to move. There were a few houses I found online, there was one with an amazing kitchen, there was one with no mirrors in the bathroom. There were a few others that were way less memorable, and then we found this one on Helmoken Falls. It was during a time when everyone was putting in offers and everyone was being outbid so we put in an offer. She put the down payment down, and poof Just like that I had a mortgage. I kept talking about being worried that I could afford it the utilities, the expense of owning a house, the up keep, the repairs, the worry if something goes wrong. Each and every time she would say of coarse, we'l be fine. We can do it together. It won't be much more than what you are paying now (For my perfect rental). It was always you'll be fine. It's not that much more.
It's not that much more until it is. It Is that much more.
I am a single mom on one salary with a mortgage taking care of my two children and my mother. And for this place there just isn't enough of me. In the beginning she would help , she would buy groceries she would do little things. Things were ok. She started paying rent, 200 a month. It was something you know, if felt like she was contributing. But then doctors and more doctors and surgery and not working and that has gone down; now its 100 a month. There was always that doubt in the back of my head wondering if I made the right decision, wondering how things would be different if I didn't want to make everything better. I wonder all the time what if I stayed in my Creekview house? What if I let her figure out her life and I began my best life. But those things didn't happen, I thought I was going to take care of everyone and live happily ever after.
Fast forward three years.
The stress of owning a home, is great. There are lights that need to be repaired, a fence that is falling apart. There are spots in the wall that need to be repainted only the paint that was left in the garage, isn't quite the same shade so that touch up paint looks worse than before. That big extra living room upstairs is a room left untouched 99% of the time. My closet with toilet paper and Kleenex is often gone into and things are not replaced. Food that I buy is eaten, but there is a basket for her and Vincent in the pantry, and that is supposed to be ok?!? My food is everyone's food. But her food is just hers. This house that was supposed to be something we were both working towards has become my biggest burden. I say something about my house and she gets frustrated and says "our house". No, that is not the truth. This is my house and I am trying with all that I have to make it the best house I have ever had and its a daily struggle.
I am 45 and I should be doing what is good for me. I should be doing all those things that Creekview allowed me to do. Every decision every choice was mine and I loved it. I owned every decision that I made, and for the first time in my life that was awesome. In this moment in this house I doubt and second guess almost everything I do. I am asked twenty questions and have to defend every choice. Sometimes I make the choices I do because I am 45 and I can. I have worked really hard to get here and I can make a choice simply because it works for me. I want to be my own person and figure things out on my own. She sends me a text and says "I wish that you would ask my opinion sometimes" and I kind of laugh and think what the fuck!!!!!! I don't want your opinion, I don't care what you think. I have to do what is right for me and I do believe at 45 I have earned that . I have lived through hell, I have suffered greatly and have fought my way to where I am today, I don't have to answer to anyone.
The stress on the relationship with Vincent is great. She gets in the middle. She favors boys and she is a secret keeper. She is all the things that I have worked so hard to overcome. He is her go to, the middle man and she doesn't even understand the spot that she has put him in. He is too young to understand, she doesn't see the danger and I don't have a clue what to do. We came home from the grocery store, I was close to tears, he had screamed at me in wal-mart parking lot, people staring because he said I owed him three times the amount I paid for doing the lawn. I told him it was 2, and that 20 was what I had. That was not enough. He got home pouted, I made dinner. and I went upstairs. And I get a message well you know he did do the yard twice. I cried harder, because nothing was said about him screaming at his mother in the parking lot. She was sticking up for him because I owed him more money. She totally missed the point. And that is how it goes in my house.
I carry the burden of everything in the house, and if it was truly my house. If I was doing this all for me then it would all be worth it; and it wouldn't feel like a burden. I feel like she wants the podium of this life, when she has already had her own. I think that is part of what is so frustrating for me. She has already owned her own home. She has gotten married , she has done all these life experiences and it feels as if she wants to step on those things for me. What is it to her if I call it my house. My name is on the fucking Mortgage, I pay the bills every month. This is my house. I have this crazy awesome pink and grey table cloth with elephants. Every chance she gets she takes it off the table. And each time, I rage inside, because I feel like she has had her house and her time and her tablecloths. But now finally at 45 this is my time and I want my house and my time, my choices and my tablecloths. I sit in the chair next to her and she is clueless. I wonder how long I am going to have to do this. I try to let things go, and that is so very difficult. Because I just want to be. I just want to grow and heal and be crazy me. I want to be happy. I want to be comfortable in my own space. I want my own fucking table cloth on the table, just because I like it .
I heart your heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment