This is a heavy time.

I am not sure I can even put this time to words or if my thoughts and feelings are even ok. I am tired of everyone saying how we should be grateful for this time.This time of social distancing, and staying at home. There is no school, no work, no stores that are open. There is a lot of isolation, more than even I like.  As I sit here with an elephant on my chest and a snake around my throat, and my stomach in knots, this time of uncertainty is terrible awful for people like me. I am not grateful.  I do not see the silver lining.  I understand why we are having to do this, but in no way does that make it any easier.  That is more than hard for me, because I am always grateful , I can see good in almost anything. But this is taking me away from everything that makes me feel whole, that makes me feel like a real person.  As I sit here, the anger is boiling, the tears want to flow and I want to scream. The kind of scream that shatters glass and reverberates in your brain.  This time for me is more than hard as we are all ordered to sty home and flatten that curve. I understand the need to stay home, to be safe but for my heart this is an awful terrible thing. For me there is a feeling of being trapped and there is nothing I hate more.  I have no space for me no privacy no time away to just breathe.  I feel like for me there is no outlet, there is no one that is hearing me and that is more than hard. There is no support, I miss the people that I work with that share the things I value the most.  There is little sleep, lots of nightmares. My stomach is a mess, the ulcers bother me almost every day.  There are all these things that want to get out of my head, but there is just not an outlet for them to be heard and listened to within these 4 walls.  I stay in my room, trying to find a little normal, a little sense that everything is going to be OK and that someday soon things are going to go back to normal.  There is a sad that I can't even explain but with all that I am I wish that there was a way to pull it all out just like in this picture.  Just get rid of it all once and for good.  Being sad doesn't work like that, sometimes I wish that it did.  I am sitting here waiting for a zoom with a student and I hear the cardinals outside and I think, you know I totally should be happy.  I have everything that I need , my bills are all paid. I still have my job. We have food to eat and electricity for the lights. All of those outside needs are met.    My children are healthy and safe, my mother as stressful  as that is: she is safe and sound in my house.  There is that thing in my bones that is uneasy, that is agitated over every little thing.  The few things that I could always count on,  are gone for the time being but gone none the less. My inside needs; that is where my problem lies.  That is where I struggle. The things that I hold tight , the thing that are most dear are the things that are weighing on my heart.  I am trying to do the right things, I am trying desperately hard not to be pesky, right now I kind of feel like a fish out of water and I am flailing trying to make sense of all the  things going on around me, and to find some kind of normalcy.   I think of that poor fish gasping for air and that is kind of what I feel like at this point. I am just gasping, looking for water but wondering if there is really any to be had.........

I heart your heart