THIS.

I think that I have been looking for this my entire life.  Some people just haven't been through enough to love you.  That hit me right in the heart.  Because I think I have spent all of my life trying to teach people, trying to make them understand my heart, my world,  and really they can't. I say this and think, wow I have been doing things wrong for way to long.  I do not  feel that I am enough, I do not feel inherently worthy, in fact its the opposite 99% of the time.  And I think about those that I do feel like I am enough around and those are people that get it, they are people that have had rough lives, they are people that know how to love me just because.  These are the people that just know  how to have me in their life.  That. So much that. I think that these people are truly few and far between.

That first line. You are enough.  I have never been enough my entire life, or felt that in my bones. I have never been able to sit back breathe and have the sense that where I am is OK, because I am enough.

I wasn't enough for a group at church.  I just didn't fit in with them,  they had no idea how to love me.  They loved you when it was convenient but ask a hard question and you became unlovable.

I didn't fit in with those women, because my stories were hard and mattered less.  I was not enough in my own story.  Goodness there were times I had things to say, things that I waned to share, but I was always that person on the bottom of the totem pole that  they sometimes invited, and I never figured out why.

In school I was never enough.  I was not the cool kid, I was not the smart kid, I was not the kid that had friends.  I was the kid that was alone and ate lunch in the Cafeteria.

I have never worked in a place where I was just enough.  I work at a place that I love but I am not a teacher that fits with our administration.  I am not liked and the person that I am feel it with actions and see it in their words. 

I think what I long for most in this world is just that place where I am enough.  I feel it with Mariska,  when I can be crazy mom and there is nothing wrong with that because she knows that's me. I long for someone on the outside that I just be who I am.

I don't understand why people don't know how to have me, I am not that difficult to love am I ?  I am easy going I will do anything for you.  I will care for your heart, and bend over backwards to make sure that you are ok.  I am not sure why that is to much to ask of others.

Like Valerie,  I was always enough for her.  I was just me and that was all she wanted.  She cared for me exactly were I was. She made me feel strong and important.   Neil, he cared for my heart exactly where I was, he was a kindness that I had never known .  Sam he took care of me and let me be exactly where I was, he was gentle and so caring; watching out for my well-being.  Those few people that I am enough for have to do with the court system or the documentary. Somehow if I was fighting, then I was worth something. I don't understand why I can't find that in my everyday.  Why can there not just be someone to check in, make me laugh, listen when I talk about whales,  watch shows about inspirational people and hand me the kleenex when I cry.  I want them to just do these things without me having to teach them.  My heart is tired of teaching people and being so very disappointed because I am the one that gets left behind.   Maybe its just a day.  But it sure is a hard one.

I heart your heart.