Tonight after dinner Vincent says he has to go upstairs, he has a meeting to Zoom with his English Teacher. I ask questions, he goes up the stairs mumbling that he is terrible at school, and I never believe him. My mind is spinning. There is no way that a teacher is going to Zoom with a student ,that time of night. So I spend time finding his teacher, sending an email. Even emailing the counselor. I just want to know for sure, and not sure why he would lie to me.
I come upstairs, take a bath. My mother comes in the bathroom and says he wasn't in a zoom with a teacher, he was doing a bible study. I said that's not OK, you can't lie and do that. I said something about being nice to people. That you don't get to sit and be this person in bible study and then treat the people right in front of you terribly. Of coarse she doesn't get it and leaves my room.
I am left trying to relax and all I can think about is what in the world am I supposed to do. I feel like this is just one more disrespect by him and that just isn't OK. He is a bully and is often unkind and I just don't understand that. So much for trying to relax.
I finally just email the school counselor asking and say time will tell, hopefully I hear from him tomorrow. Then it's 9 o'clock and I tell Vincent I emailed your teacher, and I would let him know when I heard back. He said what it was a life group. I very calmly told him that wasn't OK. You don't lie and do something like a life group. Of coarse, he doesn't listen. He makes excuses says it's because he knew I would be mad. I stayed calm trying to talk to him, telling him my problem was his lying. I told him I had to think about the consequences, and that I would tell him in the morning. That is wasn't OK to lie about it.
I go to my room everything spinning, not knowing what I am supposed to do, there are no tears left for this day. I play my stupid game and say I'll check my email in the morning, like maybe somehow a new day will make things clearer and I will figure out what to do. I put my kindle down, and see there is a message on my phone from my mother.......It went like this.......
"He just wants to learn. He always has and you won't let him. You went to church you left them all and the kids were not allowed to go any more. Church doesn't make you perfect it shows you how imperfect you are. You know how I feel about all this. You have to have something to believe in. I love you."
And I read it thinking, she is making excuses. She is once again excusing his bad behavior. And talking to me about church and religion. So more tears, and every cell inside of my body is like a Volcano. And all this to write all the things that I want to say to her. No, I would not say them, the words that are fighting to come out; I would implode and each little earthquake would spew all the ugliness for her to understand. Here is the ugliness.
To MOM
How dare you excuse his behavior, I am his mom and that isn't OK. I am tired of your excuses for him. I am even more tired of your opinion where it doesn't belong. You want me to talk about church...I will talk about church.
So I live with my rapist who goes to church, and he is this personable man, that is so likable. He smiles and everyone welcomes us in those church doors. I am raped every night in your bed by your husband and we all get up and go to church Sunday morning and we present the bread and wine at the alter. This kind of church was nothing I wanted to believe in. I see Albert receiving communion and he turns and smiles at me with this evil grin, and All I can think about were those little innocent tadpoles that I couldn't save. That little 5 year old body shaking struggling to get dressed after being raped for the ummmm let me think the hundredth, thousandth time of my life by men who were supposed to keep me safe, care for me . This is not the church I want to believe in. We all have to hold hands and say our prayers before bed, So you know what I prayed......I prayed not to wake up. I prayed to god, if you love me, if you care don't let me wake up, because I can't live this life anymore. My heart hurts and my little body feels oh so broken all the time. This was at 5 mom I wanted to die. Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my soul to take, YES, please do, take my soul anything is better than what I am living I can't do this anymore. We all went to church and were this perfect family. We talked about God and everything he could do, that didn't make sense to me with the life that I lived. If he was the all powerful God and yet letting me be hurt, letting me be raped and abused that was nothing I wanted to believe in. All your charismatic services and praying over people was really scary, and no one was keeping me safe. Soon there were no prayers, I mean why bother when my prayers are not heard or answered anyway. I wanted to do better be better because that was just who I am . I knew so early that no one was going to help, I knew I had to save me myself. You say I have to have something to believe in....I believe in me. I believe in my heart. I believe that kindness changes everything. I believe in the birds and the trees and the whales. I believe that I am the same person all the time. Those are the things I believe in, those are the things I believe in, because those are the things that have kept me alive. You talk about me leaving churches, you have no right to talk about things that you know nothing about. You don't care or have ever asked about my church experiences. Have you ? HAVE YOU?
I was quiet and withdrawn, I was sad and your solution was to put me in church youth group. That was the last thing that I needed. I was not outgoing, I didn't belong there, I wasn't old enough yet you said I was so mature that you put me in that youth group anyway. I hated every second. I didn't fit in and stuck out like a sore thumb. You didn't care keep going, this was supposed to solve all my problems. Well it didn't it created more and changed me forever in ways you would never even comprehend. I wasn't old enough to go to that youth weekend Celebrate 88, I wasn't old enough. Yes, I was mature enough I had to be but I didn't belong there. And I met Don. And he came to our house and raped me. Then he came back weeks later and brought 4 friends, I was gang raped for hours mom over and over each of them taking their turns; while you were at a healing weekend.He came back a final time and there was nothing left of me mom I laid down and unbuttoned my pants, he was going to get what he wanted anyway, and I couldn't fight anymore. Such a lovely man of God right, how am I supposed to believe in that ? That is the church that you sent me too. That is what you did and you think you have a right to question my decision about church. I am not one for churches I ask too many questions. Cookie cutter answers don't work for me. I don't believe like you do and I am not less than because of that. I tried church , my God did I try church and each time I was let down, each time I was made to feel less than because I didn't believe like them. I don't have a faith that there is a god that will take care of everything, because for me that never happened. Bella was not saved, I was never saved. No one ever took care of me, my prayers were never answered .Church shows you how imperfect you are oh yes please remind me how much less than I am to everyone because I don't believe like you, or them. I have seen the worst of church and religion and you have no right to say anything about my son and the choices that I make For my family. Yes, I left all those places that didn't care for my heart, I left those places that made my heart feel sad that that yet again I didn't belong, people that wanted me to be something that I never was. I left all those places that gave up on me and the questions that I had, and the things that I had lived through. I left all those places that were hypocrites saying one thing and doing another. I could list so many church goers that let me down that pointed fingers; that didn't step up when I needed them most. The youth group leader that refused to believe I was raped, because who would want to do that to me, the finger pointing that I wanted attention.The church that I grew up knowing is nothing to believe in, the people that were a part of that were people that I wanted nothing to do with. And I don't want my own children to experience church like I did. I don't want to give them a hope that something is going to save them. I don't want them to experience church with you and how I was in church. Even the priest came to my house and had the nerve to say well he didn't believe it anyway when he heard I pressed charges, Really mom and you question me!!!! That is not OK. You have no right. I have my own path in this world and I will do it on my own just like everything else. People have a right and can believe what works for them, I have always been so open minded if that was you, I didn't care, I see people for who they are not what they believe. I just want people to be a nice human, be kind, do good things and help others, I refuse to believe I am less than you or your church friends because I do my life different. You have hurt my heart beyond what I can even put words too. You say you want me to open up let you in, no there is no place to let you in.
Tori Amos Crucify
I heart your heart
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