I have to work twice as hard all the time

 I have to work twice as hard all the time, and I am so tired. Things that come easy to people are things that I have to fight for.  I am not saying that others don't have a hard time.  That is not at all what I am talking about. In life we all have areas where we struggle; what I am saying is that for me, in my every day the things that people take for granted, are things that it takes me twice the time to figure out in my head.  I was writing in my class and said that I had trauma brain.  I feel like the things that I see are from such a different lens and have a different route to take then so many others. Some things that seem so easy, have to go through so much in my brain that makes it something extremely difficult.  As a special education you would think that people around me, other educators would understand that, and the fact is that many of them don't.  Maybe it's not even trauma brain maybe it's just simply how my brain works either way it is the case and I wish that people were able to understand that.  

I think that growing up I always had to be so ready and prepared for whatever might happen.  My mind runs on survival not the moment that is front of me.  That is so hard for people for understand.  When people want things on the spot, my brain goes into panic mode, trying to figure out all the possibilities, and things that could happen. I am still trying to find a way to make this make sense for me and others.  I really think that trauma brain is a thing and I wish that there was some kind of research on that type of thing.  And I hate saying that I don't want it to be taken as an excuse that just isn't it at all.  My brain works different because of the life that I have had, and I want there to be a name and an understanding for that. Even at works, things that take people a certain amount of time, it takes me more.  So many people can't understand why I can't get it done like they do.  I am not sure how to explain to someone that the simple fact is, the things that my brain has been through and has to process just makes the things I do a little different.  I always get things done, I still learn and for the sake of the word am smart, but I have to go about things differently.  Someday I would like that to be appreciated, and not looked down on. Someday. Someday. 

I heart your heart.