Perfection

 I am finding that grad school is doing something to me that I never expected.  I want to be perfect; I want to make all the right decisions and get all the perfect grades.  My entire life perfection was never a thing for me, yet lately that need is bigger than I ever imagined. it's so big that it takes my breath away often. I worry all the time about not being enough, not doing the right thing and not being smart enough to become a counselor.  I am terrified that one day they are going to call me into their office and say well Callahan thank you for the effort, but you just aren't right for this program.  I don't even have words for how real that fear is for me.  I worry that somehow my past is this huge blaring sign that will somehow make me less than.  I am not sure where that comes from because I have done my own work, I am still doing my own work but there is this fear that I just am not enough. I am really going to have to work on this because, I don't let myself breathe or take a break.  I have never loved school more.  I talk about it and it feels like I could go on forever.  I feel like I want it more than anyone else, it means more and it's something that I feel I have fought for my entire life.  I have wanted this for so long, and that it's finally happening is something more than amazing. But the doubt the need to be perfect, the need to answer all the right questions is weighing heavy on me.  I am hoping that when things settle at work, I will be able o breath, but I will something else jus fill it's place.  I am thinking about putting a proposal in for the Trauma support services conference.  And I think am I good enough, am I going to say all the right things, am I  strong enough brave enough to do it on my own.  I don't know.  The need to speak and do things different is so strong.  It's up there with wanting to finish school.  There have been a few bouts of panic, my chest hurts, and my hands sweat.  I was driving in the car the other day and realized I wasn't even relaxed, I was almost sitting up straight, and had to remind myself to sit back in the seat.  That is the state that I am in.  I can tell you that a person can't stay here for long with out something happening.  I just have to keep talking about, in every area lately there is this drive, that is exciting, so many good things but I have to find some kind of balance.   Even in counseling right now I am frustrated with myself that I can not do the things that I know are going to help me.  That 13 year old part of me, is jus more than hard and so complicated. It's almost to the point, where I just need to focus somewhere else because, maybe that piece is just too hard right now.  So many good things and yet, there is an uneasy that I need to be perfect. 

I heart your heart