The things that people don't notice

I think that there are a lot of things in this world that people don't notice.  When you grow up having to notice every single time thing from moods, to changes in attitude, to others body language.  When you grow up in a trauma house you learn to notice everything. You notice when people act different. You notice whether you are ignored.  You notice those subtle little things that so many other people just don't see. You notice the little differences in how people treat you, and ways that they pretend to care. I notice those things with my students and in others.  I am noticing those things all the time.  I notice those things everywhere with everyone that I meet. 

There was a student who was struggling.  She was very teary; something wasn't right or ok. She would stop then start crying again, the kind of tears that are deep and so very sad.  She tried to wipe them away pretend that she was fine.  She made excuses that she was just tired, but I knew better.  I asked someone to check on her and the response that I got just wasn't ok. They said, yea she is fine she loves school she loves her class she is fine.  I found myself incredibly angry at the email because if you spent any time with her you would know that none of those things were true.  She isn't at all happy, she has no friends, and she is struggling in ways that anyone who knows her can see loud and clear.  

Even today when I went in her class, she bit my head off, and I told her it was ok, that I was there to help her.  She didn't have to yell or be unkind.  Her attitude changed, she was softer and even a smiled a little.  She started to cry again, I stopped and sked if she was ok, and she said she was.  All of her pushing me away in the world will never make me stop noticing.  So I am there, I hold space for her and we work on her math.  Sweet girl, I see you and nothing you can do will make me not want to be here.

I think I am writing so that in some small way I wish she knew that I see her.  Maybe she can't tell me what wrong right is now, but I see her, and I will never stop noticing. Someday I hope that she can say I remember that one teacher who kept checking. Those are the things that matter. Those are the things that make a difference. 

That is something that I so needed, and never showed up for.  So I will show up and keep showing up. 

I heart your heart.