Not a clue

 

There is this intense desire to write, and I don't know where to start.  There are so many things that are running around my mind. I am working so hard to figure everything out and there are still days that I want to crawl in a hole.  My heart is so tired.  I want a break; I want to understand how I can still be so affected after all this time. There is a sadness that I am not sure I know how to explain.  It's so deep that I can't even tell you where the tears are coming from. Things are coming into place for me and yet that sadness. School is my happy place; I got my first assignment of the semester back and a 100.  So many amazing things and that sadness. I am trying so hard to heal that 13-year-old part of myself and it's so difficult.  I want to wrap my arms around her tell her that all that happened was never her fault that she has nothing to be ashamed of, and at the same time that shame is so intense.  I think that there is a part of me that thinks it's easier her holding it.  I am more than ashamed of the things that happened, and I am not sure how to lose that.   That thirteen-year-old girl is still scared of the world.  She has a sadness that I don't know how to give words too yet. I am working so hard, and yet she feels so far away.  I know that she is the hardest heal, she holds things that even I don't want to think about.  There are nightmares and all I feel is tense.  I wake up in the tiniest ball, cold and just want to scream at the world.  Sometimes I am glad that I don't remember the nightmares and then there are other times that if I did then I could face them and move on. My body aches, and there is no reason. There are things that stop me dead in my tracks that come from all that she experienced.  And honestly, I will be glad when I don't call her, her makes her feel so far away, and yet I know she is a part a me.  I want to be grateful for that part of me and finally let her rest.  She has taken care of too much that was never hers in the first place.  I am more than grateful for her, but there is a part of me that needs to let go, let her rest and let me figure out the things that have to be figured out.  I know it's a process, and I understand why she took on so much, but I am stronger than I have ever been.  I am taking so many steps forward and I just need her to be a part of me and not something far away and untouchable.  I am not sure what the next steps are, or what I need to do.  But anything, I am willing to do anything to make that scared ashamed 13-year-old a part of the woman that I am today. 

I heart your heart.