Yes. I have said it the Super bowl makes me sad. And I have to say I woke up pretty miserable. I started laundry doing all the chores that need to get done for Sunday. I did all my homework, got everything turned in and that makes my heart more than happy. My classes this semester is amazing, I have a professor that makes me feel seen and heard. Today is a day that is meant to be celebrated and be with people that you can be yourself with. Most people don't even watch the game it's about the commercials and the half time show and being with people. For me my experiences with the Superbowl have been everything opposite of what they are supposed to be. And I can tell you it is not for a lack of trying; I have tried to fit in on this day. I have tried to even enjoy it but it just isn't there.
One super bowl party I was invited to, was fine. I was glad to be included and be a part of something fun. They said that they were going to order pizza, and everyone would have fun. So we went. I had no money to my name. So, I fed the kids before we got there. Pizza wasn't an option for us. It was fine, these people weren't my people and I feel oddly out of place the entire time. Then after the half time show he walked up to me and says that would be 20 for the pizza. I am pretty sure, I teared up I knew I didn't have that money and I knew that we didn't eat any pizza for that very reason. But he stood there waiting and I gave him the last 20 out of my purse for pizza that we never ate. He knew the situation that I was in, trying to finish school, catching a few sub jobs between classes. My heart was broken and that $20 was gas that I needed for the week. I was crushed, I didn't understand. Just because I was there, didn't mean that we ate his pizza. After that the thoughts were running through my head how I was going to make up those 20 dollars. I tried to blow it off like no big deal, but it was a very big deal. Hard to enjoy a game when you're worried about the 20 that you needed for the upcoming week. I left heartbroken. These people could buy and sell me, and my 20 dollars meant nothing to them and everything to me. So, we left, I think that my kids had fun, they had no idea, but, I was pretty heartbroken and surely defeated.
Another Superbowl, someone knew that I wasn't a big crowd person. She knew I was quieter, she laughed open mouth almost cackling in my face telling me I better find something to do because people were coming over for a super bowl party. There wasn't an ounce of caring or compassion. She could have very nicely told me that she was having people over, and that would have been fine. Instead, she chooses to humiliate and laugh at me. That just isn't ok. I felt like I was less than. I felt like a burden, and I quietly walked away and went to my room.
and we all know I didn't fit in with them. I really wanted to. I remember that the host was pregnant, and I brought her flowers. I spent much of the time just being an observer. I knew I didn't fit in and that they were just being nice. I appreciated everything, but these weren't my people.
So all in all this day is hard. I have a giant headache and just want to go to sleep. I am freezing from the inside out, I just want people, my kind of people and there aren't any to be had. So I am going to go get warm, and find something on Netflix, that makes my heart happy.
If you experience a happy fun filled super bowl, be grateful. If you don't I get it I totally get it . Either way I hope that you have the day that you have and that you are gentle with yourself.
And an Update :
The whole pizza thing had me thinking so I decided that I was going to order Pizza for when Mariska got off work tonight. Well yea that didn't work. I get a call from the delivery driver, and she tried to deliver the pizza that I ordered for 8:30 PM. She was rude and nasty said oh well, there is nothing that I can do about it. I am going to have to call the store. And the tears started really. I just wanted to order pizza for this stupid Superbowl Sunday. I call them and they basically said oh well. SO I am out $50 no pizza and the tears just won't stop. All these tears can't be for the pizza that isn't coming. It's just a culmination of the things that go wrong. I don't want things handed to me, but I wish more than anything that something simple like ordering pizza on an awful day that makes me feel terrible could just be easy. So needless to say once I get Mariska at work, I am bringing the laundry upstairs and letting all the tears come.
I heart your heart
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