Bandaid on a bullethole

 I heard this in a song, and I stopped my car to write it down. I haven't been able to get it out of my head.  I feel like I am at a  point in my therapy where I want to put a band aid on something because it is that big and because I want to move forward more than anything. This is serious, and there is no band aid in the world that could stop the pain. There is nothing in the world that could make these next steps any easier. You cannot put a band aid on a bullet hole and expect healing will take place.  So, I am finding myself in new territory wanting so much to do the work and wanting nothing more than to a band aid on it so I can make it look different, make it look healed and keep moving forward.  That is not how I do things, but I am finding this piece to be that big and that difficult to work on.  The amount of absolute shame is bigger than even I want to admit, and I am not sure what to do with that.  I want to be healed and be a healer for others.  But I am learning that those two things can happen at the same time.  Each time I write, I speak out there is healing for me. 

I am finding that grad school is bringing up feelings that I didn't realize that I had.  I came home from school today, I worked on my assignment got it all turned in and the tears started flowing.  I want so much to do a great job, to have all the right answers.  I am terrified that somehow, they are going to realize oh this crazy Callahan do you know the things that she thinks and feels? She is a terrible candidate to be a therapist.  That fear is bigger than I would ever want to admit. The fear of failing, of not helping others weighs heavy on me. I can say that grad school and healing is a challenge.  I know that I have come a long way, but I want to be further.  The pieces that I am working on healing right now are terrifying and it feels almost impossible because I have done everything that I know how. There is a part of me that would love to give that traumatized 13-year-old part of me a Band-Aid and tell her that everything is fine.  The truth is I can't leave her back there in the past, where life is so dark, so cruel and so violent.  I am fighting to bring her with me in the present. I want her to be free to be a kid to rest and take a breath and just be. She is a tough one that part of me that survived the most unimaginable. She has many bullet holes and I have to do things just the right way for her to feel safe heard, believed and cared for.  I feel like she needs so much more than the average person.  If a normal person needs 10 ounces of reassurance, she needs thousands.  Sometimes I wonder if there is enough reassurance in the world for her.  I am not giving up and more than willing to do what is necessary, but I NEED her to heal more than I have needed anything in my life.  

I have done all the things trying to make her feel safe and understood.  She is believed and cared for and still so afraid.  I have given her all that I know and still she feels so far away.  I am covered in bruises the last few weeks, it's like she is still fighting them all, and I am not sure how to make her believe that those things aren't happening anymore.  I feel like that part of me is so close yet so far away.  I want to feel like she is a part of me not something other than.  

I am at a point where I see so much more for myself, and I want her to be a part of that.  We are doing the things we only dreamed of, and I want her to feel the good things and I don't think she even knows how.  So this time I keep trying to want more for her. I am standing in this place reaching for her and yet wanting to run ahead and catch up on all the things that I have missed out on.  

I heart your heart