There are so many thoughts and things that are running around my mind like there is some kind of marathon to be won. I can promise you there is no marathon. There are only the things that I have missed out on in life. There really are so many things in this life that I have never or will never get to experience. There are just so many and sometimes it hits you so hard that the tears fall and fall until you think that you are going to need a lifeboat very soon. One of those for me was last night.
It was over something so simple, so small so inconsequential. But only inconsequential if it was something that you have gotten to experience in your life. That thing for me, was a deep conversation. Conversations were never had in my life. I was not spoken with; my thoughts and feelings were not to be voiced. I did later on with my grandmother, for a time but not always and I look for the always. I got in the way; I was a bother and a problem. I took too much time and wasted too much money. I was never enough, never smart enough, never had enough friends and never participated like I should. My life was spent living in never enough, so my thoughts turned to WOW Callahan you are never and will never be enough. Things happened, you deal with them you keep smiling and live another day. Bigger things happen you do the same, even bigger things happen you still do the same. It's all that you know. Finally, they are so big that you can't hold them any longer and everyone tells you, that those things don't happen to you. You get the message loud and clear that you don't matter. No matter what happens to you, or how big it is and how much it destroys you; yea that also doesn't matter. And that is how you learn to live in a world where you don't matter and nothing that happens to you matters. And in that I forget often even today that I am still alive.
The other night, I was watching a show about this girl was talking to her mom about being in love and the decision that she should make. they were having this deep conversation about what was important to her heart. She was crying and her mom was crying they were talking about real true feelings and her mom felt her sad and wanted the best for her. There was such a connection. Then she was talking to her dad, oh how he looked at her, the words he shared with her. How he smiled wanting the best for her. He told her to follow her heart, and make that connection take that risk and do what you feel is the right thing. Tears started falling down the girls face and she told her dad how much that she missed him, and they held onto each other. The care of that dad that gentleness was astonishing to me. The care that she got, I was jealous. That absolute love and kindness I was heartbroken, that is something I have never gotten to experience. I have never gotten those deep conversations. I have never been able to share the deepest saddest, most serious parts of myself and that makes me more than sad.
So I am not saying I deserve a medal or anything other than any human being what I am saying is that I often fail to remember that I am still alive. That through and through I have survived what could kill a person. That spunky 13 year old girl forgets that she is alive and doesn't just have to fight. So many things have happened in her life and yet, I am here and doing amazing things. I am here and have come such a long way. So when someone at work complains that spacing is off, I loose it a little because in the grand scheme of my life, if that bothers you then fix it, because there are things much bigger in this world that need my attention. Don't complain to me, about the little things in life because my heart is breaking and I am just trying to do my best and live a life that my children can be proud of me for.
So I need to remember, that I am still alive because goodness so many times I forget. People have wanted me to forget myself and my experiences my entire life. I will be sad about never getting all those things that my heart desired. I can be sad that I will never get to experience the things that girl did on that television show. But I will also continue to live, do what is right for me, and fight for the fact that maybe maybe someday someone will think enough of me to have those conversations and care for my heart.
I heart your heart
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