Are you sure that you want to know what I think? Are you sure that you want to know the things that I feel ? Because in my world, people don't, no one wants to know. No one wants to see. No one can ever understand. I hate the things that have happened to me, so much that sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and never have another memory in my mind ever again. If there was some kind of medicine, I would be first in line to just forget. You think I am being stubborn and difficult but really its terror and shame that makes me freeze. I don't want to believe the things that have happened to me. I don't want to remember I don't want to be sad anymore, I just want to forget but I can't because it's all I see all the time. Everything is a reminder, all the things I never got to do because of what they did to me. All the things that they stole that they destroyed I can never get back. Sure, I am happy that someone can move on, I am happy that they can see the light, but I can't yet. I see the things that happened, I hear the words. I am not believed; I am expected to hold it all in and just keep moving on. So that is what I have done. I heard all the words and the accusations. I hear their words all the time, I just wanted attention. I didn't. I never wanted attention, I just wanted someone to care enough to ask and to see me. I hear their questions who would want to do that to you like I was some kind of hideous monster. Let me tell you maybe I am. I have become something hideous. People say they want to be there, I am not sure that I believe them. Because no one stays. There isn't a person I can count on. I am better off alone than reaching out only to be left again because I cannot be left again, I won't do that to myself because I wouldn't make it. I wake up with bruises that I can't explain after all this time. I have nightmares of drowning, and of terrible accidents. I have nightmares of all of them and nothing I do matters, and I can't get away. I run and I run, and no one helps, and I know that if I stop running if I stop and just let myself breath someone how they will catch up and I will crumble into millions of tiny little pieces. I see the things that they did to me, and I don't know how to unsee them unexperience them because I want nothing more in life. There is such a heaviness, that I have to carry that I don't know what to do with. I want to believe in good things, I want to know that someday I can let go, I want to be free, but the sadness is overwhelming. The shame, I don't even want to look others in the eyes, if they could see what I see they would never look at me again. I don't know how not to carry all that I do. I don't know how to be normal, and experience normal things, I just don't know how. I need so much; I need so much care that it's not ok to ask anyone to care as much as I need. I need so much reassurance that I am going to be ok that I am believed that I am not a hideous monster. I need all of those times million times a million. I hear all of those that were so cruel, and I still wonder why no one stepped up to help. I still wonder why no one came to tell me that I didn't do anything wrong. I feel worth less, I feel used, and I feel like the things that happened are mine to carry because they are just that big. There is no one in the world that deserves the unpacking of my story. I don't know how to live with it, and I don't know how not to. Sometimes it feels like this is all that I am, that I will never be anything else. 5 men. For so long hour after hour and more often than not I wish that I didn't survive. What I am in is a kind of hell, that no one deserves. I am alone in this, and I feel it to my core. I don't know anything else, I see them as clear as yesterday, I hear their chants, I feel their hands. I feel them in every single sense of the word and that is something that I don't know what to do with. My body hurts all these years later, I can't even explain. I was nothing, nothing, if I was something at least someone would have stepped up and done the right thing. I wanted an adult to hold me and fight for me tell me that everything was going to be ok that I didn't do anything wrong. I needed someone to hold space for me let me grieve, I needed so much care, I needed to be protected, I needed to feel safe, and I never did. All this time later, I don't know if any kind of safety is possible for me. I just don't know. I want to be there on the couch, I want to be there with Callahan strong and brave doing so many amazing things, but I am stained and broken my heart is torn and I just want nothing more than to be loves to be heard and to be told over and over and over that I wasn't the one that did anything wrong. That none of this was my fault. I still feel guilt for dancing for getting butterflies, for wanted to feel special. I wanted those things, and it got me so hurt. I an not sure that the level of tragedy is something that can be repaired. I am not sure that I will ever be the girl that I should have been. Carefree and open, carefree and fun are things that have long been lost. I carry the blame I danced with him, and I hear my father's words I never saw you dance with anyone. ok SO I am a liar. I carry that. I carry his words and I carry what happened to me and they compete all the time only thing is his words usually win. I hear Joan who would want to do that to me, some hideous beast in her eyes, who would want to have sex with me. I was a girl 13, and such a beast.
I heart your heart.
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