A very weird feeling for me. I usually wake up ready to go, today was more than different. My eyes are burning, like the tears haven't stopped and I want to scream at the world. I want more than anything to be seen and heard to be respected. I don't get that at my job. I am not seen. Put all the things that aren't done are there blaring in neon lights. There is no mention of all the ARD's that have been completed in the last weeks, but plenty of talk about all the things not done and it feels defeating. Of course I went to class today, because I love it and it makes me heart happy. But that heavy was still there. As soon as my professor started talking about our papers and the things that we need to make sure to do and not do, the tears started. I was trying so hard to keep them at Bay. I am sure part of it was being so overwhelmed by work. But another part of it is because Grad school is just that important to me. This is the most important thing other than counseling that I have ever done for myself. Having the most amazing professor that I have noticed the tears, and she came over after class to make sure that I was ok. I told her, that I was. I managed to get the words out that I just wanted to do a good job, and then more tears came. She made sure that I was ok and she said this is that important to you isn't it. And I just cried. No words would come out. Being in this program doing what I am doing right now, means everything to me. She was able to appreciate, just how important that this is to me and the means the world. It's crazy how someone that you have known for such a short time can make you feel so seen and heard. She always wants to make us better, and I just love that. I am more than glad that I came to class today, I think it was just what I needed, each and every class, I know that I am in exactly the right place.
So today is just one of those heavy days. I am pretty sure there will be more tears, because they are there on the surface just waiting to flow. I think for today I am ok with that. I am ok with my tired heart. I am ok with the tears. Next week is spring break and I am going to be doing a lot of things for me. Clearing out more of my mom's room. Fixing my closet, working in my art journals, working on my school assignments. Writing that proposal for the trauma conference. I really want to do it, I really want to make a difference and there are so many things, that I want to convey to others. What is the worst that can happen, they tell me no. That is ok too, then I wait until next year and present with Mark. He doesn't know that yet. He is my brave and maybe I am not meant to do this on my own yet.
It's just all the things today. I hate my job and love my own classes for school. I am doing everything I am just tired. So very tired. I am coming to understand that healing is a journey and not a destination. There is no magic day that I am going to wake up and be like nothing ever happened. But I know that there will be days when things don't feel as heavy as they once did. There will be days when all the trauma stays away and isn't a single thought. There will be a day like that, I just have to keep fighting.
Even when I got home from school, there was nothing left of me and I sat on the couch, I felt nothing but the burning of my puffy eyes from crying at school. Somedays are just hard, some days are just heavy and today was that day. My professor was awesome, if felt amazing to be seen, to be heard and to be noticed. I just want to do the work, in all the right ways. This work that I am doing means everything to me.
Here's to a new day tomorrow, I heart your heart.
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