I can't breathe

 

When I think about her, when I talk about her, it takes my breath away.  My favorite wants to do a ceremony of sorts to get that little girl in the here and now with me. I feel like there are pieces of me that are still chained to the things that happened when I was 13.  I want her here with me in the present more than anything. The second, I think about closing my eyes and really paying attention to my breathing the panic sets in, it feels terrible. I don't want to be in my own skin. I feel like there were pieces of me that left that day and have never been back.   She can't speak because she doesn't have the words and that has to be ok.  I just want her to find some peace in this world.  I just want us to be on the same page. This is not like I am holding on because I want to.  What is happening is that the things that happened to me are so engrained that they have a hold on me.  I am more than ready to let them go, but as I was once attached to them they have attached themselves to me.  I almost think of it as a haunting.  I have let it go I don't want it there anymore, but there is so much unfinished business that it won't remove it's grasp.  

I am working more than hard doing everything that I know and still it is a huge part of me that makes me want to crawl in a hole and come out when it's all over.  It's hard to work on something when there are no words.  It's hard to figure things out when you don't have any breathe behind the words. And that is where I am and it's a terrifying place.  That so scared thirteen-year-old part of me is stuck in a place of hell trying to figure out the things that are unfigure out able. There is no way to make sense out of something so humiliating and shameful that you wished they just killed you.  I know there are days I truly wished that they just finished me off.  It would be better to be dead than to have to face the things that were done.  I am so afraid that I will never move on from this part of my past.  It's too big, too terrifying and what does a person do with something that there are no words for.  I have come such a long way and works more than hard to heal the things that have hurt my heart, this is just so big and I am still so afraid.  She needs a rescue.  She needs a rescue and time to heal with no words needed.  She needs someone to come to her with every reassurance that things are different now.  I can not give her guarantees.  I can tell her that over my dead body will anyone ever hurt her again. She fears the same thing happening again,  and the chances of that are so slim. But to her in her mind and body the chances of that happening again are great and she knows that she wouldn't make it . 

I am terrified of being back in my own body and I fear that it is going to be necessary in order to heal that so young sweet girl that just wanted to belong somewhere.  I hate her for being 13.  I hate the fact that she was so excited when he showed her attention.  I hate the fact that once he showed me any attention I wanted more.  I never in a million years imagined that when he said he would see me again that he meant, what he did.  When he showed up at my house, those first few seconds there was this excitement, he had come to see me.  In the next breath, I realized he was a very different person, he had no intentions of being the good guy and making me feel special.  In my head I know so many things, I know the right thing to believe, there is a part of me that knows I didn't do anything wrong but the part that believes I did is gigantic. My heart is struggling.  I know the right things to say and think and in the same breath I hate that she was so naive and believed that something was good.  Did she not learn anything from years of rape and abuse by every man that she came in contact with.  Why would she think that this would be any different.  I want to believe good things for her, she deserves so much love and care.  And she doesn't know how to even let that happen. I don't know how to talk about her and keep breathing.  I don't know how to be present as she cuts the chains to experience the good things in this world. I am so afraid maybe it won't happen for her.  Maybe just maybe, she is too afraid, too damaged.  I will never stop fighting for her, but I can tell you it's absolutely exhausting.  this is more than hard to explain and even harder for me to comprehend.  There are still moments I don't know how I am still here standing. I know that surviving was all she knew how to do.  She just kept moving, but there are days I just don't have a clue how she kept going.  

I heart your heart.