I gave her Wings

Awe little Callahan 

You have come a very long way from crying behind a tree

cowering in the corner

and carrying the weight of the world. 

I am so glad that you aren't in those places anymore that you have gained your wings 

You are freer than you have ever been

You don't have the weight of the past

You don't experience the life you lived as a little girl

You can never forget, but it's not a part of your everyday and I am grateful

I imagine you getting to play and laugh with out a care in the world

that only came from a great deal of hard work.  

There were many times I wasn't sure and look at you today, free, able to live and experience

I worked so hard to get you there and Now I struggle with Spunky. 

She is so afraid and so ashamed, She doesn't believe anyone can ever love her 

Care for her fragile heart.

Sometimes I wish that she could cry just to let it all out, just too feel some relief

She is so certain that letting go will do her no good

So certain that some how letting go will only allow her to be hurt again 

And there are no absolutes,  but she dances with them

She wants to know for sure that she will never be hurt again 

For her she knows that her heart wouldn't make it.  

And she holds on so tight because knowing is better. than anything ever happening again

Anything happening, being hurt again would be the death of her 

Somehow to prevent that she has to hold on to what she knows

I feel like she is in such a bind

She holds on to the devastating because it's what she knows.

She holds on to what she knows because anything else happening would kill her. 

Not a way to live in the world. 

I don't want to leave her, but I need to move on

I need to find happy, I need to find my own people

I need to know that she is going to be ok that 13-year-old girl stuck in a time that is truly unimaginable

I have tried all that I know, maybe she isn't ready today or tomorrow 

What do I do if she is never ready ? 

That is terrifying.  I need her to be ready I need her to believe that those things aren't happening anymore

I need her to believe that she is safe and taken care of

I need her to trust me, I got this. 

I gave little Callahan wings I want nothing more than to do that for Spunky. Nothing more. 

I need to find a way for her to believe that. 

I heart your heart