Handle with Care

 

The other day, well ok lately there have been a lot of tears.  I think part of that is the healing, part of that is exhaustion and another part is the fact that so many people have been unkind in my life.  So many people have failed, so many people have looked the other way when they should have reached out and helped. You will hear me say over and over I never expect special treatment, I do not want life handed to me on any kind of silver platter, to me that is not a life worth living.  At the same time, I expect to be handled with care.  Not like a piece of china kind of care, but in a bruised and battered heart kind of way. I am more sensitive and things bother me and affect me more than you could ever imagine. I see the world so very different.  Little things that others don't think twice about are big things for me that leave an impression.  I hope that I am putting this into words the right way.  It's not like I want to run around the world, screaming at the top of my lungs this has happened to me I need you to be nicer.  It's the knowing a person is sensitive to something and being kind, being gentle, being aware.  An example is for me when I get that reminder about my counseling appointment.  That is more than a reminder, to me that is somehow a breath of fresh air because I know that I have a space, and that someone cares.  There are so many little things like that. it's remembering, the things that I like and the things that hurt my heart.  It's checking in and remembering those hard anniversaries for me.  It's holding my heart gently and thinking about things before they are said. I am not sure that I am even making sense or that this is coming out right.  It's not at all special treatment but a need to be understood. It is having your thoughts and feelings respected.  It is a level of understanding that I do experience things different but that I am no less than because of that.  I know for me as a trauma survivor, I view the entire world, the same things that don't affect a person may affect me greatly.  For a very long time I was shamed for seeing and experiencing the world different.  That just isn't ok, I see it different and have to adjust that doesn't make me less than.  My brain works different, I see things differently I experience people differently and I want others to understand and at least acknowledge that.  I am not sure I have just the right words that I need.  You know how if someone has a medical diagnosis and they have a bracelet, to let others know.  I am not sure that I want a bracelet but I want recognition that I have lived through hell and some things are just harder for me.   I am going to keep thinking and find just the right way for this to make sense to others. 

I heart your heart.