Sometimes just a sad

 Some days there is just a sad.  A deep sorry for everything and nothing.  I have been going all day.  Doing my homework, working on my papers.  And every little thing I do I go back to my presentation for Trauma Support Services, where I don't even know if I will be presenting yet.  But there is this drive and need to do it.  I am terrified and fear that I won't do a good enough job, but I want to do this as much as I love being in grad school.  I think sometimes when you put everything together, it is just overwhelming.  I have come a really long.  I am not in the dark places that I have been in the past, but that ever present sad just is.  The tears start for random reasons, because I understand where I once was and it makes me sad that I have lost so much, that so much was taken and in the next tears I think wow look where I am today. I want to make such a difference for others. When it all comes together there is such a sadness at the things that I missed, at the things that I never got to experience.  Sometimes it is still overwhelming, and I just need some time and space. I think that maybe it will always be like this.  Just a piece of me always affected, Now I just have to learn, to take these moments as they come allow myself the time and space to honor the feelings and move on totally grateful that I don't live in that place anymore.  Healing is not for the weak that I can promise.  My heart is just so tired, and that need to fight so present.  I have to make things better for others.  I have to fight for other Survivors, maybe just maybe I can help make their path, a little brighter. 

I heart your heart.