They wouldn't understand

 My entire life people have wanted me to drop, ignore and pretend that I am fine. They have wanted me to ignore the things that have happened to me and the feelings that came with them.  They wanted me to just sweep them under the carpet and make everyone around me happy.  No one ever wanted to acknowledge the hurt or how it affected my heart.  And my entire life I think that is something that I have always searched for. Today that is a huge part of the person that I am. I was watching a documentary on Netflix and she said how everyone wanted her to stop talking about what happened to her. No one could understand why she kept talking about the things she went through because they couldn't understand the impact that the trauma had on her. That was so reaffirming for me. No one in my life has been able to understand my need to keep talking, keep figuring out the the things that I have been through in my life. Last week I was so sad that there were never any deep conversations, I never remember having those heart to heart conversations about what I was going through. No one ever cared about how what they did make me feel and changed so much about all the things that I thought.  When so many terrible things happened to me, I just had to keep going, keep moving forward because no one was there to hear or to care that I wasn't doing ok.  That is just unbelievable to me.  I think part of the reason that there is this deep need to speak today is because I never got to speak, I never got to express how I was affected. And for me to share how I was treated gives others the chance to do the right thing, and make a difference in ways that I never got to experience. 

My mother and brother, never ever understood me.  They didn't understand when I pressed charges, they didn't understand my connection to her, they never understood why I kept fighting.  Instead of supporting me, they said that I was dwelling in it.  Instead of loving me through what happened, they made me believe I was less than because I was so affected in every way.  I ate because I was terrified of being seen.  I stayed to myself because I was terrified of being hurt again.  I was quiet because I believed that nothing I had to say was important. My heart was shattered and no one cared to find out why.  I was made fun of for being different and no one stopped to ask if I was ok.  No one ever wanted to acknowledge what was done to me and the effect that it had on everything.  Everything in my life was so affected and I had so much shame, because well if no one wants to talk about all that I have ben through then it must be my fault and  I must be terribly horrid.  And you take that as who you are because of how you are treated.  That is just so incredibly sad.  So I have to speak and to fight so that others know it's ok to be affected, it's ok to talk about it and figure it out for as long as you need to.  So I will forever keep speaking, keep sharing because I can't be ok knowing how I felt being made to feel like a bother, when my heart was shattering and I just needed some support, some love and some reassurance that I was no less of a human because I was assaulted. So now I am going to put in that proposal to speak at the trauma conference, if I can make a difference for one, that is everything. 

I heart your heart.