Matter of seconds

So this afternoon was rough.  One of those afternoons that blows up in a matter of seconds with anger all in the wrong places and at the wrong people and lots of tears.  All the anger came from me, and it was all directed someplace else than really where it should be! Those kind of nights are rough,I end up walking or well storming away from the table at dinner and just cleaning I don't know what else I should do, just clean just make everything clean again, that seems to be an escape of mine .....Something I got good at just clean up the mess and pretend that everything is ok when really its falling apart at the very seams.

And it all came from counseling this afternoon. Starting from the beginning AGAIN, the history all of it, the big pieces and oh my god, its just so much for one person to bare. Being totally frustrated, no one did their job, no one listened no one heard me EVER.  And It all blew up this afternoon something minor that turned major in a....

MATTER OF SECONDS

I mean thats how things usually happen right, in the blink of an eye and its done.  It was like that tonight.  Vincent and Mariska were at each other he is a mother hen and doesn't leave her alone.  She had enough, and the tears started, a few seconds earlier we were all in the kitchen making dinner together.  She started crying and I aked her what was wrong, she said nothing as tears rolled down her face.....I asked again and again same answer and I got more than Angry I tried to make a joke out of it, she does this a lot but this afternoon I was done!!!! 

You see because growing up for me, I would have given anything for someone to ask how I was, ask what was wrong, see me and acknowledge that I wasn't ok .  And here I was asking my own daugher and she shrugged and didn't have an answer and I was furious.  I was dying to be asked, and yet here I am asking her and I get nothing.  It was not pretty for anyone and then things calm down and you , well I realized where it came from and realize just how much that I am still affected by my story, that things sometimes bother me a lot and that wow, I have still have work to do.  I know there is some big word for it, and a reason why it ws so awful but that doesn't make it ay easier.

Poor thing was crying so hard she couldn't breathe and It was my fault. Because I wasn't really angry at her at all, she had kept the laundry going and folded and put away all the laundry while I was gone.  She took out the trash she did it all and I didn't even ask her to then I blow a gasket,  and I realize as they are peacefully sleeping that it was me, that  in a matter of seconds the anger inside exploded onto my children and it just wasn't fair.   And I am more than sorry.  I don't have the right to explode on them, because I am all they have.        Good thing tomorrow is another day, I am gratefull.

I heart your heart

~I have SURVIVED 40 years~

Wow, someday I am going to like birthday's right? I mean I am really trying for my children, they get so excited, but me, I dread them I would rather stay in bed with my head under the covers and fade away. Many have not been fun. So I try to think about life over the years and don't have a clue how to go back and look them all over. Se we can do them in 10 years the first 10 the second 10, third and then the fourth. Yes I am hitting being on this earth for forty years. Some days it feels like such a long time others times it feels like it was just the blink of an eye. Either way life is life and so much has happened. Life has been hard life has been brutal life has been nothing that I have ever expected. I have learned so many things and have so much more to learn. I have done things that I didn't believe I was strong enough for and I have let others in that have changed my life forever. I am wrong this birthday I don't really want to stay in bed and cover my head I just want to be proud of where I have been and where I am going. Things are better than they have ever been, and I am really hard on myself that I am not further along, that I am not on my own, that I am not stronger that I am not skinnier that I am not more likable. And I have to stop and breathe. I am doing the right things, I have a real job in a class that that I love, where every day I am making a difference. I am here, I am breathing, and I am looking forward to more birthdays and more living and finally my very own happy, someday soon. This year its important for me to see where and what I have come from and give myself room to be me, room to be sad , be happy, be angry, Room to let people in and know yep these are the scars but this is where I am going.

The first Ten years were more than hard more than confusing; they were unimaginable; even at times for me. Life started out so very wrong. I don't remember feeling loved, being cared for. My earliest memories are not good ones and I can recall every detail from colors to scents and even sounds. And there are days that I sometimes still experience them all. I see and hear and smell the things from all that time ago. I had people around me but was alone in the world. At five I would pray to die, when we would all have to hold hands and say our nightly prayers, mine was not to wake up and have to endure any more time with my father. Things were so terribly bad. People have asked what kept me going and I am not sure other then something super miraculous. There was a drive, a need to protect all the things around me even being that small. Whether it was the children that my mother watched, or the little bugs in the backyard, there was a need, no more like a passion, a drive to keep things safe and sound. Its amazing looking back the moments that stand out. The moment that I realized I was totally on my own and there was no one that was going to keep me safe. I remember that exact moment, my legs still shaking from being raped, the tears wouldn't stop. I was standing in the hallway looking towards my parents. I wanted to run to my father tell him that I didn't tell, I wanted him to be proud of me. I stood there and absolutely knew I was on my own. Another moment came with Albert. He started hurting me when I was a little older, well a few years. By The time that he got to me, I knew what was expected, what I had to do. So for me there was no escaping, this abuse was my life. Albert raped me  in the back of his van in the park, then killed my tadpoles and said that next time I wouldn't fight. I know take a deep breath. My life. Elementary was rough. I felt so very different, I watched the other kids all the time, and I wondered what their lives were like. I was forever exhausted, always alert, so of coarse school was more than a struggle. I could watch but never be a part. Really who would want to play with me, the things that I had to do. There was nothing to share; there were not things in common. Finally in third grade I learned to read, I had the most amazing teacher and she made me feel special. I remember one year in school being really sick, and I walked into the wrong class, if felt like everyone was huge, and there was little old me. I had a super high fever and couldn't even find my class. Amazing the little things you remember, feeling so small and invisible. I just went day to day, doing what I had to do. I can remember being invited to a birthday party and I got excited and did something with the chair and I broke a little box and I felt so incredibly awful, I was sure that I could not do one single thing right. There was my Birthday party my fifth grade year and no one showed up. I don't remember much, which was kind of my normal. People don't show up. I also got my period that year lets just top something else on my already overflowing plate. My father was more than angry, I can still see his eyes oh he was so almost rageful at me, just another reason that I hated being a girl. I was not living, I was merely breathing by default.

So from 10-20, things were not really any better. I shut down more and more from the world. I was different. I didn't have the luxury to enjoy normal teen life and normal teen things. My life was something that my peers simply could not comprehend. I would smile and was so polite but inside I was dying, every day hurt. Middle school is not a fun time any way at you look at it then add the things that were happening to me and it was a hellish time. I was the loner, I was scared and alone all the time. I wanted to be in Band, wanted to play the flute, she said that my lips were not made for that instrument and had me play the cornet. We had no money and couldn't get approved for a shiny new instrument and someone had one that I could borrow. I was grateful and tried to be excited, but it was hideous. We tried, I tried but it was awful. It was many shades of brass with a case that showed its age. We tried to cover it in black tape and stickers but I felt terrible and once again I was different. And I had to put it in some small closet, not with all the other shiny new instruments. And each day in band I was embarrassed, I had the world's ugliest instrument, I couldn't read the music and was always last chair. Once I was second to last though, that was a good day, and I cold still show you the finger positions. I withdrew from everything. The answer from my parents was to send me to youth group at church. That made me feel terrible anyone that ever hurt me, went there. The older youth group that I wasn't old enough for but they all said oh she is so mature.....But I wasn't so mature I was just slowly dying inside. I tried to be normal do normal things but for me not one thing was normal. So summer of 88 there was this christian youth weekend and I went and for one night I danced in front of everyone, I felt normal I danced, and laughed and felt special. I had met Don. He noticed me and I thought he was a good guy, only I was very wrong. He showed up at my house weeks later and raped me. Then some weeks later brought 4 friends and i was gang raped while my parents were presenting at some christian healing weekend. I didn't want to live. Why so much in one life. With that I found my love of whales and they were the only things that kept me sane. They were my lifeline, my sense of family that I longed for. They were a connection in this world when I wasn't connected to anything at all. High school was hell, I would see Don around, I was harassed, I was laughed at, and I spent lunches in the library alone. It was quiet and I didn't have to worry about anything there. Summer of my junior year, I went to Germany; it was an escape, an experience that I will remember forever. I felt free for a time. I enjoyed life, I laughed. I met Yan; he made me smile, he made me feel safe. I laughed, I had deep meaningful conversations. I had people care like I had never experienced. I didn't have a history there and didn't have to look over my shoulder at every turn. I returned to my senior year. Most people enjoyed the year activities I did not, It was a reminder of the things I didn't have and wasn't involved in. I was alone and scared but again there was something inside, I was a fighter. Bob had back surgery and was supposed to die, he did not. The Dr's told us to pick flowers out for his funeral, he had not one but three blood clots go through his heart and yet he survived, I will never understand that. For a few weeks he was kind, he was different, that only last a short time ad same old mean man was back. I was not going to let anything get me. And I fought, and I kept breathing. Finally 1993, graduated from High School. I was so glad to be done, not sure how exactly that I made it. But I did. And my grades were not great but I always knew that I wanted to go to college. And the next spring I enrolled at Collin County I was a college student; I was going into Child Psychology.

Which brought me into my twenties. I was busy with school. It was still more than difficult. There were so many things going on in my head, and trying to learn was close to impossible. I was trying to do everything and it just wasn't working. I was fighting but I wasn't winning. Home was a mess, Bob was more than crazy, he hated me, and it got to the point that if no one else was home, I wouldn't even go home. He told my mother that I was a bitch and that he hated me; I knew it though even with out her telling me. He was doing totally strange things. He killed all of his fish in our salt water tank, he electrocuted them. He was crazy and would do wash early in the morning, and then we would have no hot water for our showers. He wanted to control EVERYTHING. Scaring you was funny, and making you jump was hilarious. Finally around 95 I think, my parents got divorced. Talk about relief. We were so very happy and so very afraid. I can remember the night that he left and my mother and I lying in bed, just waiting, I can't tell you what she was thinking but the thought that he was going to kill us crossed my mind. He was that crazy and that angry, I was that scared. And that man had the nerve to ask me for a kiss before he left the house that night. Such a monster. Things were free for a time, we didn't have to worry about how much noise we were making, or if we were going to bother him. The last time that I saw him, I went to where he worked and showed him my new car. I don't remember what was said, remember it was awkward, and there wasn't much to say. Time passes, I continue with school, work. Trying to breath in this life that was mine. I contacted my uncle in Boston; there was a connection there that I was longing for. We talked back and forth, and made plans to visit. When I first saw him it was amazing how much that he looked like my father. I was a little scared. And that first morning, I came downstairs from my shower. We were sitting at his kitchen table, and he said "Did your father ever do anything to you," I am pretty sure that I was in a state of shock. No one knew and I began to cry. And he looked at me and said me too. I wasn't the only one. What in the world does a person do with that? We talked and we cried and talked some more. I wasn't the only one. Someone else knew. It was freeing and so very heavy at the same time. What could I do about it? How could we make it better? In talking and both of us remembering and trying to figure things out in the weeks to come, there was talk of my father being a crossing guard; getting remarried and she had a daughter. My blood was boiling, I didn't want rumors, or well we think this is what is going on. I wanted to know things for sure. There was again something in my soul that was going to fight with all that I had to make a difference and keep others safe. There was just so much going on, somehow I had gotten his address and I was on a mission to find his house and find out if he truly had a daughter. And I found his house on that cold rainy day and he lived not even 10 minutes from where I lived. I found his house and I saw her little pink bike. He was living with a little girl. And I knew now that I wasn't the only one, and that men like him do not stop and I had it in my bones I had to do something. And I made the decision that I was going to press charges on my father and make him accountable for what he had done and keep another little girl safe. I would never want any other child to feel the things that I have felt and experience life the way I did. No one was there for me; I was going to make sure that I was there for others. It was such a long draining process. I met Det. Plemmons and was more than grateful, hewaskind and caredfor my heart. Eventually he took a plea, but spent a almost a year in jail since he couldn't follow probation. I was numb for I would say 95 percent of the process. I was on my own and it was just too much. When it was over, I never got relief, I never felt like I accomplished anything, I never felt that relief that freedom that I had stood up and made a difference. I was not doing so well after the trial. I was on a fast downward spiral. I didn't have a purpose, my heart was broken and there was no direction. But through it all I continued with school, continued breathing and moving forward. I was still in contact with people in Boston trying to make sure that Angela was safe. I found out there was a case against him in Boston and I wanted everyone to know that I would fight for Angela the way that no one fought for me. That case was dismissed my testimony was inadmissible. But I eventually testified in Angela's case when DSS decided to take her mothers' rights away. And the judge said that I had compelling testimony, and was grateful for my being there. I had to let others know what he was capable of, I wanted someone to hear me and keep others safe. Not sure that I did my job but Angela didn't have to grow up in a hell like I did, and for that I was grateful. I was in my late twenties, and going downhill even faster. I am seriously not sure how I survived. I was living dangerously, very dangerously and I didn't even care. There was no point, no nothing, but that drive to keep going to make a difference was just so strong. The decisions that I was making were so very dangerous. I realized just how dangerous when I met a guy online and sitting in his truck he said I could snap your neck right here and no one would ever know. Yes that dangerous, and I didn't have a clue. There was nothing left to take, nothing that hadn't already been done. I had hit rock bottom. And I didn't care. No one really cared. Finally my late 20's I just wanted to be normal, do normal life things whatever that was, I wanted it but didn't have a clue what it was. And I met someone online and we were supposed to go shopping he worked for Raytheon and was taking a contract out of the country. And he was going to take me shopping with him. Or so I thought. He had no intention of going shopping. So my 29th year was my biggest blessing and worst shame.

 So this was my biggest blessing I became a mom and I had something to live for. I remember taking the pregnancy test and I was shocked, scared and excited. I lay on the floor and I cried with my dog Rizzo. Animals were always my people. I was scared that I wouldn't give them all that they deserved. My two sweet babies were all that mattered. How they came to be, what I went through was behind walls of steel. My two babies not one; but two babies were my life. Two little people to care for and comfort and teach all the good things in life. I was going to give them all the things that I have never had. I was able to stay home with them and I can tell you not one single second of their little life did I miss. Since I wasn't working, I had to let go of my most amazing Mustang. The kids were not even one, and I can remember sitting on the floor and holding them crying, thinking its ok it's just a car, it's just a car. It was my cool car, and I was more than sad. Finally when they were 2 1/2 I went back to school. Oh those first few semesters were more than hard. Linguistics, Algebra, science. Again there was this drive, I had to finish it wasn't just for me anymore. There were many late nights, lots of homework. Some failed classed because there just wasn't enough of me. More classes, trying algebra again and again. And my children were starting school how in the world did that happen?!? Already they were already 5 years old. Oh I think my heart grew with every smile every accomplishment. Vincent was in gymnastics and was really good. He was talented and had these amazing little muscles; he had amazing coordination and was so strong. That got expensive, and I was still in school. First grade I started subbing on the days that I didn't have classes. Yes I loved the classroom this was exactly what I needed to do. Second grade came we finally had a name for all of Mariska's symptoms, Ectodermal Dysplacia, TRPS. WOW so many things began to make sense, and now we knew what to do to help her. Me I was falling apart, my heart was heavy and hurting. My past was HUGE and having a terrible impact on my life. Then things began to happen that I still can not explain. I met the most important people of my life, and that changed everything forever. They showed me things that I was never taught, they showed me the good kind things in this life. They believed in me when I didn't. They held my hand, when I couldn't even stand eye contact. They cried with me and celebrated with me. They were the first to ever care for my heart the way that they did. I loved them deeper and stronger then anything I had ever known. I was finding a place where I belonged, and my world felt like it was coming together. Then the next thing I know; they were moving and literally the world stopped. How could I finally find something so amazing only to have it taken away??? I will never forget saying good-bye in that beautiful empty house, so many people were there! And that last hug, I didn't want to let go; seeing the moving vans out front. Oh I wanted to beg them to stay I still can't put words to those feelings. I wanted to hide in one of those moving vans and hope that they wouldn't notice. I wanted to scream please please just take me with you...PLEASE. But of coarse I didn't. One of the HARDEST things ever, I cried for weeks, if I saw a car like theirs and sometimes I would just drive by their house, I know that sounds crazy but you have to understand, when you are in your thirties and have never had some of the kindness and love like they gave me, its a tremendous loss. And it still hurts sometimes, but I know that they aren't going anywhere. Things were getting worse and worse at home. I was looking for places for single mothers to stay. All of them that I looked into, Vincent and Mariska were too old. I was looking into everything that I could, nothing was working. Such a miserable time. Then tuition for school was a problem, they were saying I exceeded financial aide, for the number of hours that I had. I could have had more than one Bachelor, probably a Masters or two, I had that many hours! I know, believe me I know. There was always so much going on, no I never stopped with school, but it did take me an exceptional long time o finish. FINALLY FINALLY I had all the paperwork in, and was ready to start my student teaching. I was so excited it was really happening and I was also very scared, something was happening that I had been waiting on. And there came a conversation with my mom, I was crying sharing my heart with her, how hard I was working, things I was going to be doing. There was no emotion no feeling for me, and she said like I was nobody," Well I have to figure out my feelings for you "and it felt like my heart had been dropped, and I was done. There was no going back. Then there was an email that was left out, a conversation between my mother and some woman from church calling me names, saying terrible things about me that, that were crushing, that were not the truth, that were not me at all. I was selfish, unmotivated, I lacked self esteem, I had a peace breaking spirit, ME a peace breaking spirit ? No never, I was a lot of things but not that. I was shocked, and more than hurt. I was 38 and finally in my last semester of school. The same day that I saw that email an amazing women had invited the kids and I for dinner, I almost canceled I was so crushed, but that little voice inside, said go go go. And I went, and my life would never be the same. This has been one of the BIGGEST blessings of my life.

SO I finished school, finally at 39 and graduated May 2014. It was more than amazing, people came from far away and I had the most amazing party that was so me! I passed my certification tests, and all was well. And I went on interview after interview, and still no job. I was more than disappointed and felt like I let people down. I have a degree now, and I should have a job. I Applied to be a substitute in Plano ISD and that went well, I figured get to know the schools, see where I could get my foot in the door. In November I was invited to Colorado for Thanksgiving, and it was more than perfect. I recharged and was ready for life again. While I was there, the principal from Lakeview called asking me to be a long term sub. I was more than torn. DO I stay in Plano, taking random sub jobs, or drive to Little Elm every day and have a Long Term Sub position, and know that until March I have a job. It was such a hard decision; I didn't have a clue what I was supposed to do!!! Taking the job was a sure thing, but did I really want to be in Little Elm, when every door there was shut for me. Or stay in Plano and not have a permanent pay check. So I took the job in Little Elm, I can not depend on others my entire life. But then Hedgcoxe a Plano school called asking me to sub long term and I turned them down. I had accepted the job in Little Elm. With a heavy heart, I told them I was already booked in Little Elm. Then one night, I can't tell you why, I called the classroom teacher and asked if they had found a long term sub. She said no. And that was my in. I took the position in the Plano school, the same school that my children attended. It was perfect. Only then the child that I was hired to cover lost her nurse and was unable to attend school. SO I didn't have a job again. I was at a loss, what am I supposed to be learning here or doing differently because I just don't have a clue. She got her nurse back, then another quit then I did have a job then I didn't AGAIN. It was more than hard for me. I just want to teach and I jut need someone to give me the chance. Everyone always says wow you are so awesome, if I am so great then GIVE ME A REAL JOB!!!!!! SO I went back to looking up sub jobs online AGAIN!! Then Davina said my school is looking for a long term sub would you be interested!!! YES YES and OH YES. And it was perfect. And I fit right in. I was welcomed with open arms, and I was relieved to have a spot. With in a few weeks they asked me to stay on and become a permanent employee. I was excited I said yes, of course. It's a job and money being consistent is a great thing, another step to finally being able to be independent, oh I want that SOOOOO much. I am tired of feeling like I am a bother and a pest to others...... But it is still not a teaching Job in my very own classroom. But my foot is in the door, way in and that's a great thing. So I am trying to be positive, I am trying to believe that good things are coming for me, that I am good enough to have my own class and truly truly be a successful teacher. I really feel like this is where I am supposed to be. I am hoping and praying that I get a teaching job for the up coming year for my sanity and the sanity of everyone around me, it's trying times my friends and I want so much for myself, my family. I really truly do

And another amazing opportunity is that I am going to have a voice and be a voice and participate in a documentary. I still can't believe that I was chosen to be a voice, which means so very much because for way to long I didn't have a voice at all. And people want me to put my past away, not talk about it anymore, let it go and that is exactly what I am working on doing; its just a long way of doing it, a different way , my way but I feel its the right way because truly that is all that I know. My past has to mean something and I can't stop until it means something to me and to others and by talking about it and standing up for others, its will mean something, because it has too. All that I have been through, will FINALLY mean something my heart still hurts, and often feels like its drowning under the weight of what has happened to me, but it's a lifelong journey. My hope is that I can save others from having to feel the things that I have. Believe me that's easier said than done and I am sure easier to say, for those around me. Because of what I have been through, its never far away, and because of that, I am an advocate, I will stand up for the rights of others, the rights of survivors, the rights of children. That's just me. I am exhausted but if my fighting can keep others from living a life like I did then its all worth it, no matter the pain that lingers in my own heart. Its funny the people that I am involved with for the documentary keep saying how brave that I am and talk about my courage and even going so far as to call me a hero, Yea I know crazy!!! I don't want to be a hero I want to change things, I want to make a difference and as I turn 4o, as I am a forty year old woman I want to be comfortable in my own skin. That is what I am working for.

Its funny looking back over so many years, there are themes that I see, things that I still have to work on and things that are a constant struggle. I can tell you that through this journey, not once have I ever stopped fighting, and I don't ever plan too. My past is a huge part of me, and if I don't acknowledge it, then I deny the things that have happened and I won't be able to help others. I can't do that. I will never stop trying to make people aware. I hope that in that process, my heart will heal more and more and it eventually won't be so painful, but there is a need, a passion inside to make things different for others. I need adults to understand, I need children to be heard, seen and cared for and I want to be a part of that. There were things I should not have survived BUT I did, and there has to be some purpose in that. I can tell you that over thee forty years there are pieces of the puzzle of my life that I don't have a clue where they go or why they happened, but I am here and doing better then I ever have, even with all the pain. I hope that in these next years of my life, I continue to speak out and be a voice. I hope that I grow as a mom to my kids. I would like to be skinny again, and not be afraid of being hurt. I look forward to being on solid ground and building the life that I have wanted for such long time. The first forty were more than dangerous, often scary, but I survived. The next forty and more I want to thrive. I want to feel like what I do matters, I want to be heard, I want to know for sure that there is meaning to this crazy life of mine. I want to be acknowleged. I look forward to even 10 years from now looking back and seeing just how far that I have come.  This birthday was great. I came home to ballons, my favorite dinner, a cake, and presents,and even 80's music was on.  It was perfect.  Cupcakes at work and yet another song and well wished that night at Bible study.  It was perfect.  I am a work in progress and I will get there, I know I will because I have too. I am on the other side of the storm and things are changing I want my very own happily ever after, and I don't plan on settling for anything less. Here's to the next great years of my crazy life.

I heart your heart.

Truth

So they say the truth will set you free right?!? So the truth is I am more than shitty.

This month is April; its sexual assault awareness month,its my birthday, my children's birthday and I am supposed to speak and be heard and make a difference, be strong. I need to make others understand. I want to be that kind voice telling people it's ok, it gets better, there is some purpose, some reason for all the pain. And I just can't , I can't do that this year.

Tonight my counselor told me that he is going to start charging me. That he is getting more clients and that basically I keep getting put on the back burner, because I come second to paying patients. That is a sword in my heart. I told him in the very beginning that was a huge fear for me, it has happened before. I don't have the money for the counseling that I need to deal with the things that have happened in my life. And oh I understand he has to make a living, I UNDERSTAND that with my whole heart, it doesn't make it hurt any less.

I know,  oh how I know but my heart is absolutely broken. AGAIN.

I had to pull over on the way home, I couldn't see the road I was crying so hard. I am at a loss, a complete loss. And I came home and cancelled my appointment next Wednesday why prolong the enevitable…..

So this blog post will be brutally honest, I may swear, so please excuse me now, sometimes those are the only words that fit, this is exactly where I am this is my broken heart.

This month I turn 40 and it sucks. Not because of the number but because of so many other things. Because I am not proud of where I am. Because I am more than ashamed actually, and its really tough. Things should be different. Things should be very different. I shouldn't be on food stamps to feed my children. I shouldn't be under someone elses' roof. I shouldn't be an aide in a classroom. I should have my own house, I should be in my own classroom. I shouldn't have to break my children's heart explaining why they don't have a dad. I shouldn't have nightmares ALL THE TIME! I should be able to take a peaceful cleansing shower and I can't. I should have someone to help me understand church and god and how that affects me. I am so very tired always worrying about others feelings, when I feel like I am drowning. And I am pissed I know its felt like that for a long time, and it shouldn't but right now it does. I can't even tell you how sorry that I am. It was storming on the way home, and I looked up and there was this beautiful blue sky, and I got more than angry. I was beyond words furious, and words and sounds came from my soul that I have never heard.

The sun was shining in front of me, the dark clouds behind me and I was screaming maybe at god, maybe at myself maybe at the entire season that I am in. Where's the fucking rainbow, please where is the fucking rainbow? There should be a rainbow, I need a rainbow and where is it!!!! I am so done with this season,I just don't understand. I am working as hard as I can!  I pulled myself together, made it the rest of the way home, well a few more miles and again: the sky was just beautiful and I screamed again, this time directly at God, What the fuck, Why, I don't understand…….I don't understand at all. You can make this beautiful amazing sky, and I just need someone to stay for a little while no I need someone to stay period.   I need a constant all the time, not going anywhere person And I screamed and screamed and screamed. And cried and cried and cried.

This place that I am in is scary and hard and overwhelming and I just don't understand. I am going to be 40 years old, and I should not be living in someone elses' house, being a burden, I should have a real job in my own classroom to be able to support myself and my children. I shouldn't need counseling anymore, but I do.

I am not ungrateful for the things that I have been given these past few years, I am more than grateful, ABSOLUTELY more than GRATEFUL. And with all those things that I am grateful for all the greatness that has been in my life these last few years, it’s the pain and sadness that is so very deep, that doesn't go away.

This is when I realize, all those things that happened to me as I was growing up still affect me in so many many ways. The old thoughts , the memories, growing up in the house that I did, the way that I did. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right and it sucks, and I am fighting don't get me wrong, but I am angry. I am really angry.

I am not giving up but I would love to crawl in a hole in a fade away. I am working so hard and I feel like it doesn't matter. I am tired of being a burden. taking up someones space, being on the back burner, seriously, this girl needs something.

I am getting ready to go to DC and do a documentary and , and its like wow all the things that I am going through, if things were handled so very differently back then things would be different for me today. It's about fighting , but not fighting myself anymore but fighting back against the things that shouldn't have happened. Standing up for the things that should be, and that is easier said than done for myself. I will never stop fighting for others. This April its different. I am just going to try and breathe.  Keep my head above water. In this storm, this month I want others to be aware of the things that people like me face and believe me if it were as easy as flipping a light switch  every single survivor would;it is just not that easy.  I am asking that this April be aware of your own attitudes and beliefs.  And every thought that you have about how we should get "OVER" things we have had a million more than that and we are really truly trying, I promise.  

 

I heart your heart.

So how am I ??

Yea that is a pretty good question. And one that I don't have a clue how to answer. My counselor has cancelled the last two weeks in a row and I am not even thinking about checking to see if he will be able to see me this week because I am scared that he won't. I reached out needing some positive, wanting someone to understand and was asked if I was thinking about others feelings, when that's all I think about is other peoples feelings. I am not sure that there are truly people on my side lately. Even today there is some women's luncheon at church, and I said well maybe and she said I want to meet new people, and looked at me and was like well I know you don't. And I laugh and I don't say a word but part of me is crushed. It's not that I don't want to meet women it's that I don't have anything in common, I am not proud of where I am right now. What do I say oh I am an almost 40 year old sexual abuse survivor going to be doing a documentary that has graduated college but is working as an aid in a classroom living on food stamps and living in someone else's house!?! And oh yea I am really struggling with the whole God thing, there is so much too understand. And oh yea I am a single mom, with twins and please don't ask me where their father is, that's a whole can of worms you just don't want to know!! Yea what in the world am I supposed to share and contribute! Please tell me, I am dying for people to be in my life and I don't seem to have the best luck, not many want to stick around. And what exactly am I supposed to share with people?

Right now I am not sure that I am up for letting anyone in, and being hurt. I know it's a fact of life, needing people, sometimes being hurt; but right now there is nothing left of me to risk, and that has to be understood, or I guess that it doesn't. It is just exactly where I am.

I think that I have understood lately that I kind of do want easy. I always say I don't want things handed to me on a silver platter, I still absolutely expect to work hard really hard for the things that I want but a little easy YES, please. I have had a pretty shitty life up to a few years ago, and I am tired and I want some easy. Because yes, it often feels like I am drowning, ad yes it's been that way for some time. And yes, I am soooo very sorry.

I am more than thankful for the blessings that I have been given this past two years. And when things get rough in no way am I doubting or am not grateful for the things I have been given that isn't it at all. Its just that I am tired, more than tired I am exhausted and I want others to check on me, see how I am, I want others to hear me, acknowledge that I am there, and not just when they need something.

I am working so very hard and trying to do it all, and I am a pulled rubber band, that is warring very thin. And I have said no I am not doing ok, I am exhausted and overwhelmed and still nothing. So what does a person do? You keep going and keep your fingers crossed for a little easy.

I heart your heart.

Maybe this time

 My entire life people have pretended that everything was fine, we were all one happy family.  I can remember being maybe 5 or 6 and taking my father to the airport and on the way home saying to my mom "I wish that it was just the three of us and she patted my leg and said but we are a family.  And I felt so small and sank in the front seat of our car, yes we were a family, but to me my family was a nightmare.  We have never ever talked about things, she has never asked, and she sees me and pretends that everything is ok. Only nothing is ok, and very far from it. I am drowning.  My heart hurts, a lot of the time and I smile, try to make it better even pretend that I am fine but I am not.  Because very few people have heard me and really listened.  If some of the people that are around today were around when I was young, things would be different but they were not and my life was very different. I was left to fend for myself, and did the best that I could, some days that wasn't enough. Some days it still isn't.

I am working out the details of getting to travel to DC in May and tell my story, which is more than amazing and totally terrifying.  If you know me at all you know that I just want to fade in, I don't like attention, I don't like to be noticed, and yet I am going to share my story and am going to make a difference and am going to keep speaking until people start doing things different. I want to be acknowledged and I want my story to make a difference to change things, to change attitudes.  Until we are not ignored, until we are acknowledged and heard. I truly feel like this is going to make a difference to people and beyond that; this means so very much to me.  This is truly going to be a new beginning.   This is something I am doing for my own heart,my own soul something that I need to do, something that is pulling on my heart, something that I want to do. Sometimes I hide behind my blog, hide behind my smile,hide behind the dishes, the fixing of the pillows and I am overwhelmed and exhausted. This is going to be the most real true honest thing I have done in a very long time. I am going to be heard.  I am going to be seen. And I will not be quiet.

I have asked my children not to say anything to people exspecially my mother and Vincent did just that yesterday, and it broke my heart.  He doesn't undestand the implication he doesn't understand the pain and the hurt that runs so deep.  He didn't seem to care, he was in one of his moods and was talking to hear himself talk.  I was really upset, I don't want her to know I don't want her to be a part.  Maybe the fear of her hating me even more is more than real. And I asked him if he told her what it was about?  I have only told them its about when I went through the court system with Bob.  And his comment was "well I know that Bob sexually assaulted you, Right?  I said yes and turned away and melted he just kept talking.  My heart is breaking, those words coming out of  his mouth, those words that he doesn't undrstand that cut me like a knife, I was devastated. Ths is one I am alone in, there is no manuel for this.

No one saw me growing up, no one noticed, no one helped, no one stood up for me, no one did a thing. Often today its the same thing, though I am not that five year old anymore, thank goodness. I am a close to 40 year old woman that should be doing things differently, and I am desperatley trying. Only that four year old, that 10 year old that 13 year old is screaming, dying still waiting to be acknowledged.  She is waiting  for the world to stop and acknowledge the pain that she endured, which is a task even I can't or don't often do . It hurts to much, and I fear implosion of my heart. I was left on my own to take care of everything.  I can remember thinking I just wanted the world to slow down and acknowledge what had happned to me, how I was changed,  how I was hurt how I would never be the same again, and yet the world keeps going. Doing this, this time I am not on my own, and this is going to be life changing, I am hoping that I will see myself different, see myself in a different light, a courageous brave light; see that the things I have done that  have made a diffeence.  This time I am hoping that if even for a few days the world slows down so I can acknowledge what needs to be acknowledged and I  can feel heard.  Maybe acknowledge that little girl that went through so much, that is drowning today maybe just maybe I can save her. Maybe just maybe I can save me.

I heart your heart.

Always left out

You know I really don't understand this. I have been brave and asked a few people what is wrong with me, why am I the one always left out ? What is it about me?  I get responses like well everyone likes you, people light up when they talk about you, people think nothing but good things about you. Well that's fabulous but words and actions don't match and its painful.  I completely understand part of it is me, I know that I isolate, I know I don't make it easy, people don't see me; I am always left out. I am not included I am not asked, and even Super Bowl Sunday I invited myself somewhere, that is how incredibly desperate that I am. And all I can say is that it hurts my heart.  I am tired of people coming in then leaving, because I am spent if you don't plan on staying then don't bother coming in at all because I can't do this anymore.  I do not have people in my everyday, people that are there that care to listen that understand that hold my hand, I don't have that and I don't know what to do.  I am so sad, my heart hurts and I don't have people. I just have to keep going keep it all together because that is what I have always done.  I ask , tell people whats going on and still nothing and I am sorry that I am not the fun friend, sorry that I can't share in the same things that you do. I can't share those things because I don't have a clue, my life has been different, different in so many ways.  Someday someway I just  do not want to be  left out, and ignored and  have others pretend that I don't exist.  Sorry that I may need more, sorry that at times I am fragile but I give back all that I have, and that is sill not enough.  People say that people are not meant to be alone, maybe some of us are.  Maybe I am one of them.  I try and try to explain it to people; try and try to understand but its not happening and I don't have words anymore. I just need someone.

 

 

 

I just really wish that I knew what was wrong with me, there must be something terribly wrong or I would be seen I would be acknowledged and I would matter.

I heat your heart

     

Church

Church is very difficult.  I know that it is more than the building, its more than the people; its a lot more; it's a lot more than I can even understand but I am trying.  And I am struggling.  I have gained friends because of church, I have lost lots of people in the  church.  I have lost even more because I ask too many questions, and don't fit into their little box.  I don't follow the "in" women that everyone loves.  And the one group that I did belong to on face book, I took myself out of the group. I just couldn't do it.  Don't tell me how you want to help others, reach others when there is someone in front of you begging to understand and yet you look the other way.  I can not be a part of that.

I struggle to believe in god, I mean I do, I truly do. Things have happened that don't  have any other explanation at all.  SO do I believe in God, YES, well I really really want to and its really really hard.  I do enjoy the church that I go too.  I love going to service, I really do get a lot out of it but still there is something missing ?

Is it something in me?  Something with the church, I just do not know,and its more than frustrating.  I want it to make sense, I want to belong there, I want it to work and I am just not sure. I have more doubt that you could imagine, and about as little faith as a person could possibly have.

I did grow up in the church but it never meant anything to me. All I saw were people who said one thing and did something else. People that were hurtful and judgemental and mean. Some of the worst people I ever met were all part of the church.  I can promise you there was a lot of damage done in the church that I grew up in, which lead to many hurt souls.  And I don't know where to go from here.  I have gone from no church, to everything perfect for me church to fighting my way back to anything church.

We all know I am different, I see things different, I experience things different, plain and simple I am different and I need a different kind of church.  A church that doesn't want to put me in a box, a church that does things different.  A church that knows I am different but accepts me anyway. I am not at all about the traditional church, I need something else. I need a church that can reach those people those kind of people like me.

People are saying the right things; something is missing. I feel like I make people nervous nervous. There is a connection that I crave, that I am just not finding. I serve in the children's ministry which I love, its truly perfect.  But I also feel like the pastor doesn't quite know what to do with me, and I don't quite know how to tell him either.  I don't want to make him uncomfortable but the normal answers that might work for others just don't work for me.  I am desperately trying to get him to understand, but I fear it's not working.  And I am getting further and further away.

I am trying to figure out what I want what I need and I am coming up with even more questions and not many answers.  I need something different, I crave something that I haven't quite found yet. I need a place that will reach for me, yes that is what I am looking for.  Even on my darkest days they will reach, and I can hold on. 

I heart your heart.