I NEED constant fixing

Yea this I heard this and it was like a light bulb went off, I do I so do, I need constant fixing and I can not even tell you how hard that is to acknowledge to even write down.  I want to be OK, I want to not be affected, I want things to be just what they are and not remind me of other things.  I want to be some kind of normal, and I am not sure what that is but I know that I have a picture in my head of what it looks like.  It means not seeing the things of my past.  It means no more flashbacks.  It means not being scared all the time. It means that my past isn't always there.  Because each and every day it is ,  its in my head all the time no matter what I do.  I have really good awesome days, and there are hours when my past isn't an issue when it is not affecting my daily life but then BAM it hits me hard and I want to curl up in a ball. I want someone to cover me protect me and keep me safe, I am an adult woman and that is just something that doesn't work. I don't want to have those moments anymore.  I don't want to have to go to counseling the rest of my life,  I have found a few really good ones but then there have been others, that were not so kind.  Others that have hurt my heart and I pay the price, there have been those involved in church make comments about keeping my legs closed !!!!! EXCUSE me , you have no idea.  People that have said well i made my bed so lie in it, when I was talking about how tired that I was being a mom and trying to do everything. What !!!!!  So I need to find someone that is going to stay that won't leave me in this incredibly hard work, because I know for sure that I can not do it on my own.  I know for sure that I do not want to do this on my own but I also know the kind of person that it takes to stay. And there are a few and I am thinking I need to hold on to them with all that I have, because I am little unsteady and I need help .  I need to be carried sometimes be held, because I am not as strong as I often pretend to be, really.  I am just doing what I have to do,  Surviving.   So in this life of mine I need strong people that can understand that a lot has happened in this life , I have survived it all and that is kind of amazing so every now and then just hold on to me,  just hear,  just be with me.  Hold on to me, I need that so very much.  So I am not sure how to just accept the fact that I am going to need constant fixing, its more than sad. And how do I expect people to stay , I can't.  Because I was taking with someone who truly gets it she gets it all and we said how people have no idea, they have no clue and that is really hard in this life.  How does a person go through being mostly misunderstood, who and how do people like me connect with.  I know that not everyone is going to understand my journey,  or where I am coming from or where I have been, and even the smallest acceptance would make a difference.  But I am most often not accepted not valued not looked at as someone that matters whose feelings are important. Am I sometimes fragile yes, but there are so many things for me to share.  I have a feeling I am going to spend my life in this place people coming and going,  and honestly most just go so I have to hold on to those that have decided to stay.   For those I am truly grateful.

x ambassadors: Unsteady

If you choose to stay I am grateful. 

I heart your heart.

Friends Far and away

For some time this has been on m mind. And I look through face book and think yea, that is someone else's friend, oh yea that's her friend, that's his friend that is "THEIR" friend  and that is something pretty recent.  I look at some of the relationships or lack of and I think why and how come , people get busy, I get left and that is just the way that it goes. I wonder if it  goes that way because they were never really my friends to begin with they were other peoples friends ?!?   I have begun to delete some of them because I am not one to pretend,  I am me. Strange crazy passionate, heart broken me, always in repair!   At this point in my life I want my own friends, people that I can connect with, people that can see my passion and not look at me like I have 12 heads. People that see me. People that hear me.  I think all of this became so clear a few months ago when my favorites came to town.  There was a dinner for my favorite people, and I had decided it wasn't good for my heart to go,  not that I didn't want to see my favorites but that I didn't belong there those people were not my friends those people do not check in to see how I am or know what is happening in my life, they are other peoples friends.  And for too long I have believed that those other peoples friends were mine,  but really they were never mine.  Some of those people that I have called my friends were not they were actually other people's friends,  and I can not pretend when I am the one who has had my heart broken.

As an example when I moved out of mothers house, people showed up helped me moved they asked how I was they were more than helpful, they moved my furniture, they were there.  I believed that those people wanted the best for me that they were my friends.  When they would come to the house there was a cordial hello, but there was no connection to me, and I thought it a little strange but that was just the way that it was.  I never heard from them seeing how I was, people were not there for me,  many of those people I don't remember the last contact that we had.    As the time came to move into my own home a little over 2 years later, there was no help there was no connection there was nothing, just silence and I realized that those people were only there for someone else and not for me.  I was crushed but that is the way that it was, and I saw things a little clearer, no one called to see if I was ok, if there was anything that they could do because I was not their friend. I was alone, and out of the blue a guardian angel sent me a message and I was helped to get movers.  Because I mattered because, they knew what it was like moving as a single mom.  Such a blessing, that I will forever be more than grateful for.  I was thought of,  I was a thought, and I cried and cried I wasn't alone.

There are church people that I once  did bible study with  then I was forgotten, I didn't belong with those people they write bible studies and I question it all.  Not my people, I never fit there, I once thought that I did. People I once had coffee with I was forgotten, and I have reached out I did, I tried to keep the connection but a person can't keep a connection when they are the only one fighting.  It truly becomes exhausting, and not worth it.   I am not sure if there was ever a connection in the first place.  Of coarse I think there is something terribly wrong with me,  because I would ask, I literally spoke the words," is there something wrong with me ?"  Why am I so different ?  The answer was always the same no not at all everyone loves you, they talk about you and a smile comes to their face.  That is puzzling, if those things are true then why am I mostly alone in this world?

I know I have to face it, I don't do friends very well, childhood was spent as far away from people as possible they were hurtful and dangerous so for a second imagine that being your foundation. There was no childhood best friend,  no one to do school with , to share things.  Come on I spent lunch in high school hiding in the library,   So maybe I view friendships different,  I don't hang around just to have someone there, if I call you a friend I would jump in front of a barreling train for you, that is who I am.  I do not say that I love you lightly. I love with my entire heart, probably to a fault at times.  And at this point I am expecting the same thing from others.

Believe me I know that not everyone can be your friend, some personalities and people just are not meant to get along, I know that but I will not for the sake of saying I have friends pretend to be something that I am not.  I will never forget when one woman that I truly admire, who is a favorite said to me well not everyone can be your best friend, I heard that on repeat in my head! At the time it was like a knife through my heart, I was never asking for best friends I was asking not to be forgotten. Even today that moment has been stuck like gorilla glue in my mind.  I don't want others to have to pretend to be there.  Either be there or don't, but don't you dare pretend to be there, and be something that you are not.  DO NOT do that to someone like me who values friendship like family, like forever people.  I guess those people were just not meant for me.

Today there are true friendships in my life.  The people that I work with are amazing and I am crazy me and we support and really care for each other.  We sometimes get on each others nerves, but we laugh with one another and want to make sure that we are ok. We support each other and it all gets done. There are my favorites in Colorado that provide safety and protection and a listening ear anytime that I need it.  I am sure I receive more than I could ever give them,  its a back and forth and I am sure that they were one of the first true friends that I had in my adult life.  And the people that I met, while filming in DC, those people have a caring those people hold my heart,  they make sure that I am ok, they have an understanding that goes beyond any explanation.  I have known them a short time, but feel like they are soul people.  They may be far away but they are forever so close in my thoughts.  They fought for me, when I wasn't sure that I had any of my own fight left. I can even say that on Facebook I have found a few people that I have never even met that get me that understand that have the same kind of compassion for others that I have, that have survived the unimaginable that still love people and they have a love of life that only you can understand when death has been at your door.  I am sure to meet some of these people, I know they are there and everyday I send them good thought and I heart their heart in this crazy world that we live in! I even think I found people at the church I was going too, these were amazing people, true people I just feel l that right now they are on one side of the grand canyon and I am on the  other,  I long to be on the other side close to them, and am working on the ladder but its just not long enough yet.   I am struggling to get to the place where they are, to fit in and be a part and I just am not sure how I fit yet.

I think in all of this I am learning that I value people differently, I am not one that needs thousands, I need a few close that care, that understand .  Would I like more, absolutely,  I wish there was more constant in my everyday,  but I am working on that,  I usually don't have a clue what in the world I am doing,  but when I say that you are my friend oh I can not even tell you how I carry and worry about your heart.  Maybe the best friends come when things have been so bad and you were so alone and I know exactly what that feels like and I never want any of my friends to ever have to experience that feeling ever ever.  To my friends,  I can not even begin to tell you how grateful that I am for you and what you meant to my heart. How much that I love you.  There just are not any words yet in any language for you to understand .  I am more than grateful for each one of you, for commenting on my crazy posts, for just letting me know that you are there.  For reaching out to me because reaching out is not something I do well, I would never want to be a pest !!!  If you are my friend know how I heart your heart, with all that I am.

Enya : one by one 

Much love, So much LOVE I heart your heart. 

all that is unjust, WE are People , just people.

Oh my heart breaks for all the things that are happening in this world.  People blaming the police , people blaming men people blaming other people. People blaming black men people blaming white men.  There are thousands of articles of people giving their opinion wanting people to take sides, wanted people to choose between one or the other and my head just spins.  I can not get my head around violence around hatred around judging others because of the color of their skin because of who they love , so much judgement.  I watched the news the entire time that the shooting went on here in Dallas,  into the early morning hours until after the sun came up,  my heart was broken I feel the depth of what happened so deeply as I feel everything.   I may be nieve in this topic but these are just my experiences, of people, all people black people white people,  and even the police.  I don't see color I see people, and maybe thats a bad thing, I saw an article saying that you have to see a difference but me I don't and I never have. I see injustice, that is what I see.

I just want to be a person that loves for who you are, for how you treat others for your kindness.  I don't understand racism and hating someone for the color of their skin, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND! I have been raped by white men I have been raped by a black man , when its said and done I was raped my MEN.  They made those choices that will forever affect my life.  Some of the best people that I know are just that people. I have known police that were good and kind that were everything that an officer is supposed to be and I have also seen officers that mocked and laughed at me.  Again they were men, people that made decisions, decisons that have affects that I will never forget.  I refuse to take sides,   black or white,  I refuse to accept the injustices that are going on in the world today. I refuse to blame one person or the other and I wish there were more delicate words in my head to explain where I am coming from.  There are just so many thoughts.

And my children, they are part African american.  And I write that and its a knife,  not because they are half African american but because of the violence they were created in.  We have not yet had the conversations about their race, but I am sure in time it will come in time. Others have made comments to them "are you black ?  Are you Mexican ?  Are you mixed ?"  I remember having a garage sale when they were babies and someone saying, oh they are beautiful what are they mixed with ?  What are they mixed with , they are beautiful children , just two beautiful children in this world.

I see people I see their hearts and souls. I hope that is how my children will see things.  In high school my best friend who watched out for me who helped me who carried me when I could not stand on my own was black and  I saw him for him not for the color of his skin.  I just don't understand the hate, we are all people and life is too short to judge by color , orientation, race, size, weight, religion.  Just be people and love , love with your whole heart and only good things will come.  Again and again we come to something a friend said to me once during a life group, she said "You can't be everyone's best friend,"  I was drowning at the time and took those words to heart.  Believe me from some one with very few friends I understand that exactly.  I understand that not everyone can be your friend, I understand that some people ok myself is hard to love and be a friend and get to know, but I am a person and you don't have to be my friend but you must be kind. That phrase has stuck with me all these years later and it has a grip on me.  I have seen and experienced things I can never put words too,  I have seen and experienced great evil, but I love people with my whole heart and if I say that I love you that I am your friend I mean it with every fiber of who I am.  I am more than grateful for those that have stayed by side carried me when I needed and stepped back so I could do things on my own.  There were people, just people doing what  all any of us can us they were loving and being people as a whole.  A kind beating heart person, who saw me saw others as the same.  Sure there are different connections to different people thats the amazing thing about differences, and that what makes life worth living,  what makes this world around us amazing.    

I heart your heart.   

A sadness in the eyes

With the passing of Ellie Wiesel, and all that has accomplished and all that he has been through he still asks if he would be going to heaven ?  And I yell at the TV , Oh dear man of coarse you are going to heaven.  The things he has suffered, the joy he has had and yet the sadness was never far away. He had a kind soul, and the kindness of heart but he also had a sadness so deep in his soul that you could see it in his eyes.  I don't know if everyone can see it , or if just some.  Maybe some don't see the sadness.  I see it, I see it even in his smile. Even with the joy that he has in his life his wife his son his grandchildren,  even in the joy there is a sadness the things that can not un-see in his life, the atrocities that he experiences the death that he saw,  the sadness that we can read and imagine but really have no clue that kind of sadness, and that sadness, I saw in his eyes and each and every time that I watched him or read his books I could feel that sad.

And maybe I can see it in his eyes because I can so relate.  I do have Joy oh my goodness, there is so much joy in my children  in teaching in sitting in my own home knowing that I am providing for my children.  I am doing all of these things and I truly love life , things are better now than they have EVER EVER EVER been and yet there is a sadness and I want to understand that, and I just don't.  

Does it come from the things that I cant un-experience, that I can't get back what was taken, from the horror in my heart sometimes, from the people who push me to the side like I don't matter,  from the things that I can not un see.  From the terror that sometimes comes from nowhere ,  is that where the sadness lies ?  I wish that I knew that I could tell you.

Al through out my life I have set these goals to happiness,  once I finish school once I tell the kids once I get my dream job once I am in my own house, ONCE I have these things then that sadness will dissappear, thats is what I LONG for what I have more than hoped for!!! Was I lying to myself ?  None of those things have made this sad go away and its not the sad that I think anyone can fix its a sad that is so very deep, maybe its just one of those scars that never goes away.  Maybe I am just going to have to learn to take the joy and hold it tight and then those days when the sadness wins, maybe I can give myself that space and know that it won't last forever,  give myself  some time some kindness and know that the joy in my life is greater and soon I  will hold that again too ?

Such a struggle when I truly have so much Joy and there are things in my life that I wouldn't change for the world,  but that deep sadness, I would give away in a second.

I don't know, and this is the place I am in , I experience such joy but that deep sadness is always there.  What to do with that sad,  who to tell, who can walk with me, who can hold me up who can hold my hand and understand and at the same time see the joy and do life the good life with me,  Such a crazy place to be in and I wonder do others that have survived the unthinkable the unimaginable do they feel the same ?  Will it ever go away are we able to feel the great joy that we do because of the deep pain that we have felt ?  So many questions and I think that with so many questions in my life this one is getting bigger and bigger. So much suffering so much Joy, I am not asking for all the pain to be taken away that just isn't an option but oh please that deep sadness under it all, does that just come with the unthinkable ?

I can see this sadness sometimes in people sometimes its when they are talking about a particular thing I have seen it a few times in people who have such great compassion.  I see that sadness in a whales eyes, I can see it in some people through the joy.

I think I sometimes feel more than guilty because the sad is so deep and at the same time there is so much good things so many things I have accomplished and created! I feel guilty that sadness should not be there for me anymore, I can not change it make it go away and I just am not sure what to do with that.


Oh So Many Questions .  My poor heart. My poor friends. I am sorry.

Toni Childs : Dreamer 

I heart your heart.

Just love the broken parts too

I saw these words this morning and it made me think of the past few weeks.  I think that in everyone's life there are people that like me, people that hate me, people that are indifferent and there are a few people that love all of my pieces, even the ones that can't be fixed, the ones that will always just be a part of me.  And those are the people that are important.  That's the beauty of being a person, of truly being loved broken pieces and all. I have very few of these, but the ones that I have I treasure and hold so very dear.

Its the people that love your broken parts, that see them but see you first, that will carry you through those really hard life moments when you just can't take another step on your own.  I have had those kind of people.  There was a time when I had a friend carry me for a few years, they were truly my training wheels as I clung to life digging myself out of a deep dark hole.  You don't find those people all the time, and when you do, keep them close. Always in your heart.

I am sure in the beginning I was carried, that is the only reason why I made it, I was carried, I was loved I was more than cared for,  as I got better closer to the light,  I would ride but they stayed close being my training wheels, making sure that I was ok giving me the courage to do life ,until one day I was able to ride on my own.

And I need that in different areas of my life.  I need people close, to care and at times to carry me when I am not sure that I am going to make it.  I know I will make it I know that I am a fighter but that life of a fighter is terrifying and often lonely and knowing that someone will stay at the darkest means more than having  a hundred friends when you have a party, it means more than any party or shower that a person can be invited to.  It means everything.

I think that at different times in a persons life, we need different things, people come into our lives for a time then leave,  But I have to believe that there are going to be people that come and that will be forever. I need that, I hate that I need that but I do.   So I am going to count myself so very lucky for the ones that I have for the people far away in the east and to the west,  that would carry me,  and give me rest, those people that are my soft place to fall that hold my heart that, just know with no words.

So those people that have held my heart, I always hold them close, and I hope in the future there might be others,  others that I don't even know that I would never expect because that is when it happens,  that is when it truly happens. So today I am going to hold my heart and know the gift that I have been given in a special few,  and know that they are my forever people.  I am grateful they see me.  

To those, I heart your heart.  ALWAYS 

People

Yea so this is big and important and a long time coming.  I am not sure where to begin or how this is going to come across but so many things need to be said. I am done.  I am tired of people sticking up for others that have not been kind, I am tired of people saying that they care when words and actions do not match.  You know that saying action speaks louder than words,  YES, that. I listen to your words, but your actions or lack of action tells the truth. I am more than grateful for oh oh so many things, but all the gratefulness , I also can't ignore the disrespectful and cruel either, no one deserves those things.  My grateful kind heart has limits. I am the same all the time, if I love you, you know it,  I do not pretend.

I am not an easy person to love or like really I know that. There are very few people that understand where I am coming from and love me anyway.  For those people I am more than grateful, the ones who have stayed who tell me when I am full of it, or tell me to get back out there in life.  I have a very small circle, and in my everyday that circle is even smaller, just the facts. I am a weirdo, I am strange I am different, I observe a lot of the time, I view life and the world around me different.  I expect things from others, certain kindnesses no matter what.  I hate small talk.  I speak when I have something to say.  I like deep meaningful conversations, where there is a sharing of a heart and a learning more about a person.  I like conversation with you about you but not at you.

My favorite people come into town, you know that I love these people so very much, they are my people and they put up with my crazy.They always have a dinner so that all of their friends can come and  I have been a few times.  But huge crowds are not my thing and I am not good at being fake. The place where I am,  Most of those people are not my friends, and though I wanted to see one of my favorites, the cost to myself would have been great.  I don't hear from anyone of those people really, they are not my people.  My favorites, yes but the others are their friends and not mine.  I could not go and pretend that my heart has not been broken by many of them so I didn't go.  I was fine with that the day was perfect.

Then there was a text about those people caring and asking how I was, and that they care.  It made my blood boil.  I was more than angry and wanted to scream, NO don't you dare tell me that they were asking about me, that they care. You have no right to say that, because there have been times when I was drowning and they looked the other way.  There were times I reached out wanting understanding and nothing.  NO response no contact no nothing so don't insult me by saying they care because their actions over time have proven to me, exactly the opposite.  Their actions do not meet their words and I WILL NOT pretend and be fake.

I am tired of pretending,  I know I have very few people, believe me I know that,  that is how it is.  I am getting old and I don't want to apologize anymore for the person that I am.  I am in the best place that I have been in a long time and I worked my ass off getting here.  I have done this, I have fought and I have made it, there is a lot of fighting left, but I keep going.

Sure people step out as other peoples friends, but they are not mine.  They are not and maybe they can pretend,  maybe they genuinely ask how I am .....but newsflash, they know my number they know where I am and for some of them its been years, some its been months and nothing.  NOTHING So please no they don't care, NO THEY DO NOT.          

There is a woman whose writing that I love who talks about writing from a scar and not a wound.  So I probably should not even be writing because this is more of a  wound, than I would ever like to admit.  For so long I kept trying to reach out, trying to be loved to be liked to fit in and and each time I was shut out, or ignored,  over time I would continue to reach out and it comes to the point where a person just can't keep trying getting their heart broken.

I feel everything absolutely everything, I take things personal and take things to my heart.  These days I am guarding my heart.  Learning to move away from the wound and maybe someday when I get closer to the scar I can go to those dinners.

I know that as people we are all in different places in life, we experience different things, we are all in different seasons but we are all in this life and I know not everyone can be your best friend , but at least be real and genuine, we have this one life, just be kind in the place that you are in.  Kindness changes everything. 

  

I heart your heart. More than you can possibly imagine,  be careful with mine. 

 The Chainsmokers :  Don't let me down

April 22, 2004

I often can not believe how fast that these twelve years have gone by,  April 22, 2004 my life changed forever and it has been the most amazing, challenging, unbelievable time of my life. I have been trying to write this for months now, writing and rewriting, writing some more.  I wanted to have this done on their birthday, didn't happen, tried for mothers day, I thought that is perfect they made me a mom; nope didn't happen.  I think back seeing them  grow up as wonderful and amazing as it is its also terrifying.  They are 12 oh my goodness!   There are a lot of days that I don't have a clue what I am doing.  Sometimes they do things and I think what in the world ?? Is this normal ?  Because I have no clue what normal 12 year olds are like !!!  Seriously no clue!!!  Oh my goodness I worry about them , oh I worry about their little hearts how they see the world I worry about them being safe I worry about making the right choices for them I worry about being a good enough mom.  I know that I have not missed a moment in their life, I was there for all the firsts, and from the moment I found out I was pregnant with them, they were all that mattered they were the reason that I took every breath.  Oh my goodness I was one of those amazing pregnant people , I never stopped smiling, I love every single second!!  Seeing them grow and turn into these amazing young humans is so surreal.  I just watch them sometimes not believing that I get to be their mom.   They are these amazing kind, caring people that are going to do great things in this world and I get to be their mom.

They have not had an easy life,  but they have always had everything that they needed. They have never had to go without,  I would go without to make sure that they had all that they needed.  Always, Always, ALWAYS.  There are going to be things in this life that they have to deal with that are different, there are things that I hope they will come to understand.  Through it all e are a family, and they are my most amazing, they made me a mom and these first 12 years have been everything and more than I could have ever imagined.

Mariska Anne, oh my goodness, there are so many things that she is so much like me.  She is different,  she will tell you what she thinks sometimes and only if you ask.She will smile and pretend that she is fine, even as tears stream down her face.  She has a smile that lights up a room, and a spirit that is blooming.  She loves to read, oh that girl loves to read she can spend hours in a book store, and in less than a day can  read at least a 500 page book and is on to the next.  She loves sharks, She has this love for science fiction things like the Hunger Games and Divergent, she has read them all hundreds of times and can tell you all the little details.  She is always one to say oh the book was so much better.   She is so stinking smart, she doesn't even have to try, she just gets things, they just make sense to her, which makes school pretty boring for her.  She wants a challenge and wants to do new things.  She is a sensitive thinker,  things bother her and if you don't know her you would never imagine.  She always watches, checks things out, oh she always has, since the day she was born.  For me if I don't know you or don't like you I don't fake it well and of my sweet Mariska doesn't either.  She is always polite but her face can not tell a lie.  She helps out around the house, and puts her whole heart into what she is doing if she finds it interesting.  She loves to cook, and help in the kitchen, she will make dinner and goodies just to help out.  She really cares about the world around her and that is more than amazing to see.  She loves her music and talking Angela, and has a little giggle that melts my heart.  She loves her puffy hair and  will say with a smile on her face I woke up like this.  Oh my goodness, she is something else,  this 12 year old of mine.  She thinks all the time,  if she hasn't read the book TV isn't her thing, but she has a thing for cheesy lifetime movies lately,  she thinks they are hysterical and if you aren't watching she will give you a play by play.  She sometimes lives in her own little world and I think oh my goodness chick what are you doing, ?! She doesn't have to worry about love or safety and that is good for my heart.  She lives in the world, giving us all so much,  I can not believe its been 12 years.  I look forward to the things that she will do in the future.  She is taking AP classes next year, Drama and still is in Choir.  She is on student council and has a blast,  how did I get so lucky, this special girl of mine is unbelievable amazing.   

 

And Vincent Guy .  He has more kindness than I could have ever imagined.  He has a heart that I am not sure even I am prepared for.  Every single day he amazes me.  He worries about me all the time and watches absolutely everything I do.  He is also a lot like me, he is a worrier he will help out a friend anytime anywhere.  He has always gravitated towards those who needed a little extra TLC.  He is the friend that is there and sticks up for you, no matter what.  He always takes those special people under his wing and makes sure that they are taken care of.  The two of us bump heads often,  but the love I have for him is something special, he is one of the good guys and he is my son.  I am more than blessed.  He works so very hard at everything that he does all the time.  He is passionate about Hockey and of coarse his favorite team the BRUINS ! His room is the color of gold and black,  he has to work really hard in school but not once do I ever have to remind him to do his homework, EVER! He is respectful and kind and worries about the injustices of the world,  WOW the things he is going to do, he will touch many heart I am sure.  He plays the violin and is really good!  I was a little worried but oh, its beautiful and again he loves it.  He loves for the two of us just to sit outside and talk.  He is also a thinker and has deep thoughts,  he is also a writer he has kept a journal for years now and I am sure as he looks back he can see where he has come.  He has this soul, something special, a gentle spark that makes him amazing.  He helps me oh so very much, from hanging pictures to doing the yard.  I don't know what I would do with out him.  He is always making sure that I am OK, that I am taken care of,  I reassure him that I am fine.  He listens really listens,  he follows the rules and expects everyone else to do the same.    He is smart, but busts his hiney kind of smart it doesn't just come to him,  He is in robotics and is going to travel and compete next year, My son already programming!  I never imagined.  Every teacher that I speak to has nothing but great amazing things to say and it melts my heart every single time.


 I so loved when they were little but oh I love seeing the people that they are becoming.  I worry all the time that I am not enough, that there are so very many things that they have to deal with and yet they shine.  I am amazed, Amazed that they are mine that I get to be their mom, Just the three of us one special kind of family, that I could never imagine would be so So wonderful.  I love you both more than you can ever imagine.

I heart your heart.  I love you, I love you.

Momma.

This song fits we might not do this life the traditional way, but oh I love every single day.

"I can't wait to see whats around the corner.  I can't wait to soar........ Its the little things that make a home"

Yes they are my home, and I look forward to doing it over every single day with them <3

Blue October "Home"