End of the year words that Speak to my heart

 

The End of 2024

It's hard to believe that today is the last day of the year. I'm feeling a lot of emotions, and my heart is heavy. Just as I put up all the Christmas decorations alone, I am taking them all down alone. I feel like I did get to enjoy them, even for a short time, and that feels good.  I already looking forward to grad school starting back.  I have been checking out the Syllabus for all my classes, so I know what's ahead.  The Child Development class will be interesting; they want a lot about how we grew up, our experiences, and how we were impacted.  It feels more personal even talking about the ACE score, so I think it's going to be a good class. I just love it, and when it comes to 2025, I can finally say that I am graduating next year, and that feels amazing. 

It's a time of change. The kids are getting older. I love them with my whole heart, but they have some growing up to do. They turn 21 in April if that isn't crazy. I want so much for them, but they have to want it for themselves. I think there is a part of me as a mom that feels like I failed, and that is hard. My Mariska sees me and has a heart of gold.  Vincent is angry at me beyond words, I catch glimpses and think, oh, he does love me, but he breaks my heart often without a thought. My automatic response is that I have done something.   He is angry at the world, and I can give you a list of all the reasons why, but there is still no need for his unkindness to me. 

I think I have finally found answers and will be able to send Calvin his letter. That makes my heart happy, and I hope that I get some kind of response. I won't hold my breath, but I am hoping with all that I am, I hear from him. I wrote to many of those who have been a part of my journey and have yet to get a response from anyone. Dr.Culpepper, Det.Plemons, Oliver just so many and nothing.  It goes to that feeling of being alone in the world that I just can't get rid of.  There is a lot of alone, and I have a few really good people around me. I just want someone in my every day, again. Maybe that is just too much to ask. 

There is still healing to do, and I won't stop until I get there, but I am tired. I am tired of recovering from people and places that don't understand me. I think that finally, this year, I am learning to accept that I am different and that it is okay. Only a lot of the time, it isn't ok, and it weighs heavy on me. I am always going to be different and experience the world differently, just simple facts.  Until I am faced with someone who doesn't understand and wants people to respond how they would, usually at work, I just have to keep thinking, one more year, one more year. 

There is a lot of work to do with Spunky.  I am terrified, but I know that it's time. The darkness isn't on her, but there are pieces of her so broken by the things that have happened.  There was an interview with VanDerKolk, and he said it's not a remembering. It's a reliving.  She is in that place of terror, even sitting there on the couch in the most safe place that she knows in the world.  Mark asked me what she would want for Christmas, and I bought her this huge Whale in the store; it's more than perfect, and I am sure it would have made her heart happy. I think that to help her move on, I need to spend more time focusing on the whales; that is truly what kept her going.  I watched the Movie that Mariska gave me for Christmas, Patrick and the Whale.  It was pure greatness and something that only those who will understand have the same kind of connection with whales. Spunky always had that connection and that may be just the thing to help her move forward. Whales are her safety. They always have been, and I need to lean on that. 

I said goodbye to people this year who have hurt my heart and silently moved away from people who are no longer a part of my journey. I am leaning into those who are constants and are with me in those dark times and in my happy moments. It just feels right, and if things aren't right for me, then I no longer need them around. There is just a heaviness that comes from being alone, and today, I feel it with my whole heart. I feel everything with all the intensity all the time, and it gets heavy. So I am going to continue to put Christmas away; I am going to give myself space to feel whatever it is that is inside and keep moving forward. 

I know that many great things happened this year, and I know that next year will be filled with even more. So, I am going to end with all the things that I am planning for the next year and all the good things that I hope to come my way.  

I will finish the school year with a bang as the Elevate teacher. Those littles are what keep me going and why I do this. I will present again in July for Trauma Support Services and then start practicum right after that!   I will continue to work with Mark, I trust that he isn't going anywhere and can help get spunky where I need her to be.  I hope that the kids will make some career choices and maybe even go back to school.  More than that, I hope that their heart is happy in whatever they do. For me I hope that I can find comfort in my own skin, in who I am. I hope that I grow in my confidence and truly learn to see my own worth in the world, I struggle with that, and it holds me back.  I am just as worthy as any other person,n and I want to believe that with all that I am. I want to accept the sadness that creeps on that I missed out on so much, and in the same breath, I want to be grateful that I have come so far and that sad place isn't somewhere I need to stay. What a year 2024 was! I hope that 2025 will be even kinder and show me things that are even beyond what I ever imagined. I may be sad and so alone today, but this is going to be one amazing, magical year for me. 

I heart your Heart. Happy 2025.

Seeing it different

 

I have been thinking and may have been doing this all wrong. I spend so much time so angry at myself that I can't just let it go and put down what happened to me at 13.  No matter what I do, I can never make it go away or make it anything other than what it was. All of those experiences are in every cell, every memory, and every part of me to my very core. All those memories are inside of me and outside of me; they are everywhere all the time. It's often like I have this death grip, like the things that have happened to me are mine, and I have to prove them.  I have to hold on letting others know that they were that bad, and this is why I do some of the things I do today.  I have to hold on, let them dig in, and even prove just how hurt and affected all of those things left me.  

When I told, when I thought that help was close by, nothing mattered, I was made into something awful. I was made to be a liar and someone who just wanted attention.  That was the last thing I ever wanted.  I wanted someone to sit with me and ask me what happened and if I was ok. I needed someone to tell me that it wasn't my fault, that I didn't cause those things to happen, and that nothing I did warranted what they did to me. I still talk about it in terms of "it" because of the shame that comes with the words.  There is a weight to the words that I am unprepared for.  

I am tired of something that I can never get rid of.  I have to do something different.  I have to learn to sit, to see it, to feel it, to let it be what it was.  I have to feel and know that I am not those things that happened to my body. I have to know that this is something that will be with me forever.  It's not that I am holding on for dear life; it's that it's just so much a part of who I am.  I will forever close my eyes; it is just a thought away, but those thoughts need their place, and it isn't in my present. Those thoughts and feelings and memories will creep in show up when they are least expected, somewhere in my bones I have to find a place to be ok with that.  

I heart your heart 

More layers

 I can't believe it is almost the end of December, and I have only written two posts.  There has been so much going on.  I have been in a different place.  Even after all this time doing my own work, there are times that it still knocks the wind out of me.  After all this time, there are still layers that have never been acknowledged.  There is a part of that that makes me sad.  Then there is another part that says it's ok; you are just doing the hard work from living the life that you have.  Neither one makes it any easier, not really.  

Christmas was different this year, a realization I think that the once magical season is different. I do everything on my own, all the decorating of each and every tree, setting up the village, and making everything look magical and twinkly. It's fun and beautiful but hard doing it all on your own. Vincent and Mariska aren't little anymore, and with all the magic that I am still able to find and enjoy, it's different as your children are older.  I did the best that I could with the Christmas decorations.  I managed 6 1/2 out of 8 trees. One tree was up and ready to go, but the ornaments and garland just never made it to their place. I soaked up the moments with Mariska; she still has that Christmas spirit; she gets excited and enjoys the little things. Mariska and I had a wonderful Christmas morning, reading our Christmas Eve books with that crackling fireplace on the TV that Mariska loves. These are the memorable moments that I never want to miss or take for granted.  It's just a different life phase that I have to get used to.  

My mother's passing hit harder this year.  There is an ache, but only because of the things that we never got to share; I long for what I wanted and not what was.  There was this realization of just how alone I am, and I am not sure that I like that feeling at all. I still do not miss her, and I am not sure I ever will.  I needed her to be more present for me in my life; I needed her to appreciate the person that I was becoming and not want to hold me back. So many things that I needed that were never meant to be.  There is anger at my brother and the situation. Still, no communication, and that hurts.  I can't imagine the reaction if the shoe were on the other foot.  I am still made out to be the bad guy, and I think that there is always going to be a sting that comes with that. There is a sting that no one cares to hear how I was treated and why I reacted to things the way that I have.  There is an anger that I am the one who had to make those end-of-life decisions.  That was not my job, yet the heaviness of that is something that is still there.  I had known for a long time my brother was power of attorney, all decisions were to me made through him yet I was the one that was there those final moments. I can never unsee those experiences, and my feelings have never been considered, I fear that will forever be an ache in my heart.  

There are more onion layers to be peeled back, and there is nothing pretty about them, just more truths that are beyond hurtful. Even in the things that I am dealing with today, the roots are often back in the things that I learned growing up in the home that I did. That is extremely sad, and it often feels overwhelming. Every time I think I am done, something ties back, and there is something else to look at. I think that I may finally be learning, that there will be things like this that show up my entire life.  Things will come in pieces as they can as I am able to handle them. At almost 50, these things still come like little earthquakes. There are times I feel like I have come so far, and others that I feel like I am in a deep, dark hole. I know that I have come a long way, but sometimes, the road is just so long that I get so tired.   

I finished the book today, When Breath Becomes Air, by Paul Kalanithi; it was heart-wrenching and so powerful.  To live each day to the fullest to follow the things that are calling you.  To make all your dreams come true and be fully present. I feel like I am in the midst of those things, following my passions, dreaming of making a difference, and taking things as they come.  We are all on a journey, and it's up to us how we do that.  My heart often aches as I continue to struggle with my past.  My heart is also full, knowing that I am going to become the care that I never got.  Beauty in the sadness.  A happy personality, just a sad soul.  There is a sadness in parts of me that I would like to think would somehow magically disappear, but I think it is just there.  Maybe it is a reminder that something is just broken, and we can find happiness, but they will never function the same. That is where I am with the 13-year-old part of myself.  That so sweet girl with a pelican as a friend threw herself into learning about whales to survive all that life had thrown her way. I want her in a place where the sun shines brightly always as a reminder that even in the hellish she has survived there are good things to be had.  That scared girl doesn't believe me yet, but I hope that one day she will. Here's to more layers, more healing, and more connection to all the things that make me feel alive and that make a difference. 

I heart your heart.