On God.....between a rock and a hard place and needing a soft place to fall ?

You know God and I have never had a Good relationship.  I have kind of pictured him sitting in a chair next to me and we keep bumping elbows, kinda like we are playfully fighting for the arm rest, that's the picture that I have in my head .  I mean I prayed to God to die when I was 5 and that didn't happen and I had to live in hell so I decided ....there is no god. No one can help or keep me safe.  I grew up in a church that was not nice and I was; I guess you could say I was the black sheep of the congregation.  I had too many questions.  They wanted me to believe every word that was said with out question. But I had questions lots of them and no one would help me understand.  My experiences in life were not lining up with the things that they were talking about.  I didn't have kindness, there were not people watching over me.  You know I have heard people talk about having a feeling when they were little and knowing that God was there with them and for me I never ever had that.  From my earliest memories, church was a group of hypocrites that I wanted NOTHING to do with.  I would see the people that raped me receiving communion and staring at me like I was the one doing something wrong. Something felt completely wrong.  I knew something was not right, and I was not going to have anything to do with people like that.

 

One picture I have in my head is my neighbor Albert. He was walking by the alter and he was holding his little brother, and getting communion and there were oh so many thoughts in my head, I was scared, I was angry, I was confused. I can remember every detail of him walking to get communion and I followed his every move. I felt very small and saw those around me as giants. I can remember sitting there seeing him and thinking; all of these people are crazy. Each and every one of them!  All of these people are talking about God and what he means and what we are supposed to do and then there are the things that Albert is doing to me and no one seems to care. I remember wanting to steel his baby brother out of his arms to keep him safe.  I am not sure if it was a conscience choice at that age but, I wanted nothing to do with that God; that God that everyone talked about in that church.

So I grew up alone.  Carrying the world on my shoulders, dealing with life in the ways that I knew how. I was just trying to survive day to day to day.  I was always stuck between a rock and a hard place.  When you are that little with so many terrible things going on some decisions are not good ones but they keep you alive. Being stuck in that place becomes normal.

I know looking back that there were things I survived because of God, and as for his purpose I don't have a clue right now and there are days that I still get REALLY REALLY angry, but with out a doubt I can say I know there were times, that I felt I was not alone.  For me I feel like I only feel god when things hit rock bottom for me. Sorry I take that back because there was a short time that I felt him in my everyday.  There was a time when it was completely amazing, and I felt different, I felt lighter.  And I know the church is just a building, but in the building that I called my church home I felt for once that I wasn't on my own. There were kind caring people and I didn't just fade into the background. I  was able to heal and grow and change during that time. I would cry because of the incredible love and caring that I felt, and I know that is big because I am not an easy person to love and care for. And slowly people were being taken away, things were changing from week to week.  And I felt all those amazing things that I experienced for that time slipping away. As quickly as I fit in that place it became something where I didn't fit.  In many ways it felt like the pull of a bungee Cord.  I started out at the top and ended up way at the bottom with all the bungee in between.

Right now, these last few months I have not felt God. I have been making the right decisions for myself and  my children, and doing whats right.  And I keep asking Am I doing something wrong ? I must be because things are just crazy everywhere I turn. People keep telling me no, you are not doing anything wrong.   You are not doing anything wrong they say but I have to be because I am praying, I am begging for help and its just not happening. The situation, living with my mother I have not felt God.  Financial aide being denied I have not felt God. Having enough money to provide for my children. In my heart I have not felt God.  I have prayed and prayed for some kind of solution, anything to help relieve the longing, the sadness, the stress.  Nothing. Nothing.  I have begged God, ,I mean on my knees ugly cry begged.. then I prayed some more, I meditated, I cried I pleaded and nothing.  Silence. I have prayed and bargained for anything to be able to change my children's circumstances.  I thought about moving to Boston , living in a shelter for single moms,  oh there were many many thoughts! I was grasping for some kind of relief , anything to help me not be so on my own because exhaustion at the entire situation is a daily struggle.  And its not all awful there are moments where I am so very grateful but something is always missing, something just isn't there.  I see God at times in those around me, and think those are just amazingly awesome fabulous people , those are things that happen to others.  Because they have faith and they believe in God with their whole hearts.  Me I believe in God, he is in my bones but not like they do. I don't trust that everything will be taken care of.  People say things about God and him being there, and taking care of me and it makes me want to scream, punch a wall, turn green and Vomit. Sorry not pretty but that's my thinking. People tell me to pray and I get so frustrated, I have prayed and prayed and nothing changes for me. I watch as lives are changed  and prayers are answered, some are not all around me and I sit in my ugly cry ....alone...and hear nothing but silence.  I am sure that I must be doing something wrong in this world.......I MUST be........ And I am loosing hope..

 

Then I get a message from a woman that is asking how much my financial aide would be to finish my schooling. And that she would be honored to repay the blessing since she was raised by a single mom who was going to school when she was in elementary and middle school.  I cried, I was not sure what she was asking.  She knows many people and I thought she would know of someone or someplace that might help. It was that she thought of me was so very important.  I had no clue this would be the start of a new time, a new hope a new life for me.  I gave her the details and she asked for my address.  I had so many questions, and the Whys were out of control , I mean who am I for someone to help ?

Then Monday morning...I stood in the shower my hands to God asking please help me, there is nothing left of me.  I am tired of fighting.  Tired of feeling less than and I CAN NOT do this anymore, something has got to give.  I am not OK, I will keep fighting for my children but there is nothing left of me to give.  And that Morning I get a call from Kelly with NFED and says that we are next on the list and some people are not able to make it to the conference and that if we are still able to attend we will have our registration and hotel taken care of.  Oh and the ugly cry again.  I feel so amazingly blessed.  And I hear Kelly on the phone and she is glad they are able to help and says I guess that means you can make it.  Oh the kindness in her voice, I needed that more than breathing today.  And she says, when one door closes another one opens and So I am going to get to be with other parents whose kids have the same disorder as Mariska. I will hopefully have some questions answered. And Mariska is going to get to see other children that are just like her.  Vincent with meet other siblings just like him. If that is not a blessing, I do not know what is.

THEN TUESDAY MORNING....
I couldn't sleep as usual and was up early, writing, crying trying to figure out the next year .  Mariska slept until after 10 am.  Vincent slept until almost 11:30 am.  It was a hang out morning, and I went to get the mail.  And I see this little note.  And inside a card saying :

   Please don't give up hope. God is good all the time even when its hard to see or feel him. Keep pressing forward for the kingdom and for your children.  I love you......

And there is a check that will pay for my student teaching and books and everything.

Yes...Let that sink in a check to cover the rest of my schooling.  A check to cover my dreams, A check that allowed so many things to come true.  I will FOREVER look to this day with a grateful heart and I am sure we will stand in my classroom and I will hold her tight and be so very thankful that she saw my dream when I was so very close to loosing hope.

Today is a new start, a new leaf,  And I read her note over and over and those are all the things I have been writing these last few days.  that I haven't felt God. That I don't see him in my life.  And there are the words I have needed. Don't give up Hope, God is good all the time,

My heart is completely overwhelmed by the events these last few days, but I feel as if I am falling , I am finding my soft place to fall and maybe all my prayers and desires, and longings were heard and were waiting on the right time. 

Today I see things I have never been able to see, I see that I am between a rock and a hard place because I don't allow myself to feel that soft place.  I don't allow myself to trust, I fear EVERYTHING....Today I trust.  My heart was heard, prayers were answered.  Today I found a soft place to fall.  My forever grateful heart is exploding with LOVE.  . I feel God. Today is a miracle.

Completly Honest and True.

I really love Angela Shelton she is strong and beautiful and Courageous and a list of many other amazing things that make her a hero.  And I recently watched a video that she created of her giving a speech at a college campus and it hit, it hit me really hard and I realized the problem.  People don't talk about abuse, they are scared and don't want to hear and are afraid to deal with it.  I understand the fear and the disgust with what the world can do to other humans.  But at the same time I have a deep personal understanding.  Do I shut up and quietly deal with what has happened ?  Do I scream from the rooftops saying we can't let this happen ?  DO I quietly cry myself to sleep every night ?  Do I reach out asking for someone to listen to part of my story and hold my hands as I cry ?  Do I write  hiding behind the words hoping someone will comment and understand my heart ?  I just don't know what is the balance.  But I have to try.  If I keep my past in my heart it will kill me and there are too many things that I have yet to accomplish.  My hair falls out.  I have ulcers.  I have had chest pains.  And I just can't keep quiet, I can't pretend that all is well and I am fine.  So I apologize, I am sorry my story is hard , there are so many things that I want others to understand, so many things I want people to see. So much that I have inside to show people.

Many people that have read my story know that I did not grow up having a happy healthy childhood.  Things were really rough and violent and there was more abuse than any one person should have to survive.  The problem is that its hard for people to understand to comprehend to get their heads around and I can honestly say I get that.  There are days I still can't get my head around my life and I lived it.  When you grow up the way that I did, my past and the things that have happened in my life are such a part of who I am from how I deal with my children, to my love for whales, to how I eat .....literally I think the list could go on forever and include each and every aspect of my life.  I have always said one rape well wow i could have handled that, not that makes it any better for me, but one rape would have been a blessing. If there was just my father or just the neighbor, or Just Don and them.  If just one of those sets of things happened then I would be fine.    My life the one I live every day I hold what has happened to me and I have to let more things go, I have cried oceans but honestly the more I grow the more I experience there are still pieces there that need a little work.  I fear the words Dwelling and, stuck, even wallowing. Wallowing now that is one ugly word.

I heard this song and I was like Oh MY God do people see me like this ?  Do they think I am wallowing in my past ?  Do they think I am holding on to it because I like it ? What do they think ?  Because honestly most people don't stay around very long.  Here is the song.....

 And I listen to this song aver and over and I think OK I have to forget my life and be on the same page with everyone else and the truth......Well I don't think that I can do that. I am like you in so many ways but there are big things that make me see the world so very differently. I can't pretend that my heart doesn't hurt some days.  I know how long ago things were but you have to understand I never got the basics of life.  I never got kind and caring.  I was not listened to, I was not heard and I was left to make it on my own and that I have done.  A friend of mine wrote a letter for me and he said
    
  I'm writing this letter on her behalf because of how hard she has worked and because of the depth of the hole she chose to climb out of,"

  WOW who me ?   And here comes another ocean.  Is that me, do such words fit me ?  And dare I say , I am thinking maybe they do, Just maybe.

The more that I have thought, the more that I have written, I am not wallowing I am just trying to find my place and trying to understand this rocky winding road that has been my life.  A friend used to say well not to toot my own horn or anything and today I think not to toot my own horn or anything BUT you know what I HAVE come a really really long way, I have crawled out of a deep dark place and that is something amazing.

I don't understand why people can't love me and the person that I am, I don't understand why I am often ignored and not included, am I scary ?  Do you think I will rub off ?  Am I too serious ?  I just don't have answers and  I say I can't be someone that I am not.  I am sorry maybe I share to much and that's why, I just don't know.  I think well maybe its because I am wallowing ?  I mean that has got to be why ?  Right ?  But I don't think that's it.......I don't have normal life stories to share.....I don't have kid stories about siblings being crazy, or stories about long time friends, or proms, or college days or any of that....In a way life is kind of new for me and that scares people. I don't have family to turn to, I don't have people to call my people.  People have friends, people have family....But ME nope there is me and my children.  I could count the people that I could call on with a few fingers.  And they mean the world but I can not expect them to be there all the time.  People have these experiences their entire life of friends and family and honestly I am just beginning and I am sorry for that.  I think that's why I love the classroom I can create amazing fun stories for the children to add to their own story.  And for me though the last chapters was dark and scary;  These next few volumes will be full of many new stories and new beginnings and new experiences. I just need people to be a part of my story.  I don't want my story to be lonely I want it to be full of people , all different people, weird ones strange ones, funny ones serious ones, all kinds.   I can't even imagine honestly all that these next volumes will hold for me.  But I know that those dark volumes are still a part of me and even though that chapter is closed there are days I am affected a little and days I am affected a whole lot.  I share my stories because there is so much to share.  My stories are different but they are what I have.   I am not wallowing or dwelling I am just trying to find my way.  To my people that read this thank you for taking the time.  I don't want people to ignore and stay away I need people to speak ask questions and when in doubt just LOVE me. I love more than you can imagine and care so much for each heart on my journey. So I say again

I heart your heart my friends and I Do so true .

Its all there black and white clear as crystal ? RIGHT ?

Wrong very wrong. Nothing is only black and white and NOTHING is clear as crystal....clear as mud is much more like it.  For school they said that I have not met Satisfactory Academic Progress, saying that I have exceeded the number of hours that it should take someone to finish school.  So with that I have to write a  letter to appeal their decision and help them understand why it has taken me so long.  With that there are so many questions, so many parts and pieces to explain. Part of me wants to scream and is so very angry with them for not seeing how very hard that I have worked, for seeing that I made a B in my math class and I passed Algebra after oh so many tries.  Another part of me wants to cry and beg them , make them understand just how bad that I need this, how hard things have been and that I have never given up .  I want them to understand that I am not a bum, a looser, a mooch or any of those things. Even when things were at their worst ,  I always kept going knowing that this is what I wanted to do.  In the beginning at UNT there were days I would see attorney's during the day and be there for my classes at night. I would meet with the DA retelling my story over and over to different attorneys , I would tour the courthouse, I sat in the court room where my case would be heard and still I kept going.  And who did I have ?  I had my detective, he was more than amazing and listened and answered every terrified call calming my fears.  Even when there were no answers , he never failed to respond.  With all of that I kept going. 

Then finding out about Angela and going to Boston several times to testify for her.  Who did I have? I had Sam,  The attorney that was representing Angela.  He was so very kind and he was there. He was so caring and gentle with my heart.  And my amazing friend Cheryl who flew to Boston with me, made me laugh .  My nightmares woke her from a deep sleep and she laughed with me in the morning .  I could go on and on about the few people that were there and I think really isn't it black and white that I need this money to finish school ?  Isn't it clear as crystal that I NEED people around me, people that are going to stay, people that are going to do what they say they are going to ?   These are the two things that I just don't understand.

I am writing a letter to financial Aide trying to make them understand that I am not a slacker, that I am not useless.   And with friends I think I am in the same boat. People are telling me oh we will get together, oh we will have lunch , I will call you, oh I love you and then nothing.  Nothing. Nothing.  No response. Just Silence.We'll pray for you, we'll be there to help and honestly its making me angry, I need prayers yes, but I need someone there to hold my hand, I need someone there to be, just be. And maybe I should not take it personally but I do.  Because the common factor is me. Even the smallest response means more than you could even imagine, just an acknowledgement.     

Just like with financial aide, I am not making the right kind of progress and in my life with friends I am not progressing as fast as I should, I don't understand things the way they do, I don't share so many things,  so I am pushed to the side. Just facts people.  Just the way that it is. I can count on one hand the people that stick around and I am beyond grateful.

So I am saying I know that I need a lot a whole lot and I am so very sorry, but if you would just be willing to stay you might see some amazing things, and things will be clear. If you could just help with this Aide for the upcoming semester you would see the great things that would come from it.  The detectives come and go, but how they cared in the situation meant more than you can ever imagine.  Whether it was Det. Plemons, or Sam Schoenfeld, Or even the detectives from where my father lives, I felt like they had an understanding of where I was going and what I could do. I want to get that through to people in my life and the people at school, that I have come a really long way and I will continue to do so, I just need time.  Gentle precious time. I feel like I have to apologize all the time for the life that I have had, because as good as it gets its a part of me, its not all of me but its there.  And there are times that it is going to come up.  My past makes people uncomfortable and I hate that, if I could make it go away make it different I would.  If I could have finished school like a normal teenager I sure would have.  I was not dealt normal life cards and I am doing what I can. I am doing all I possibly can. Fighting all the way .

I feel like I have to prove that I am worthy of finishing my degree and I have to prove that I am worthy to be around.  What a place to be.  I know I am behind, but I am working really hard. Please do not tell me something you have no intention of doing.  I am writing my letter for financial aide and I have asked a few others to write letters and I  am amazed at their words.  I hope that truth is believed and I am awarded help for the upcoming semester. And I hope that I will have the courage and strength to reach out more and maybe one of these days, I can have my hand held too.

Mid- Year Review

Well my friends it is June.  Yea right ? Well Yes.  So many things that were supposed to be are not and I am not where I thought I should be right now.   So many plans that were to be done, places to see, and people to meet just are not going to happen. I was supposed to go to the beach ( My favorite place) in April that didn't happen.We were supposed to go to Mariska's conference in July that won't be happening. Mariska's wig party, that will have to wait too. Those were some amazing things that were going to get me through the next year, that just aren't happening. SO I can't be sad about something that there is nothing I can do about it.

 Right now I am holding on to what I know.  Me. My art.  My children. My future home. And being in the classroom.  I know that tomorrow when I wake up, it will be me I know that when I wake up next week its still me.  This might be a little long, with lots of pictures, it may seem random in places ( Imagine that something random coming from me ) but these are the things that make me smile,  a view of the things that I do have for sure for certain .  My world View. Scary right ? I know, I am sorry but its what I hold dear.

I have my Art.



 Surrender
Whatever you may be celebrating or grieving
May you practice courage every day
And let it nurture your spirit
However weary or uplifted it might be
There is hope in our celebrations
And strength in our brokenness
May you embrace your own sweet surrender
with faith and courage along the way

 



My view everyday.  Its what keeps me going and gives me hope.  This is my place that has my heart.

 
                                                          

LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE

Hope

 

We are all meant for these journeys

of hope and tenderness

of love

of doing things we never

thought we could do

This is where our courage lives

it's where we find ourselves

standing strong and hopeful

ready to claim, what is ours

                            Brave Girl      

  

 

 These are the words and pictures that I look to, that I hope someday will be true and fit my heart.

And what I have greater than anything is my children. They amaze me, and teach new things all the time. They have a sparkle that is amazing, they are truer than anything I have ever done, EVER.

Today is the last full day of the kids for third grade and that is really hard.  I can't believe that they are becoming the amazing people that they are.  They are doing a time capsule in their class that they will get back in the mail when they are seniors in High School ! Whew.....High School......Seniors !!!!  And I wrote them a letter yesterday to put in their envelope that they will open as they prepare to graduate.  Do you know how hard that is ?  And how exciting that it is ?  It scares me to death, but the things they will  have, the experiences they will have will pass me by miles. I hope all their questions will be answered and they will have peace in their heart and know I was meant to be their mom.  They are the reason I keep going, why I keep breathing most days.  They are more than amazing.

Thoughts of my very own house are something amazing.  It will be here soon and i can't not even begin to describe what that means.  I don't know if we will be in an apartment or a house but it will be ours and it will be so very happy.  We are buying little things that we will need that all we all love.  We talk about it all the time and its so very fun.  The furniture we will have, the pictures that will be on our wall.  I do not know where it will be, but with the three of us together it will be our HOME.  And I know a few single teachers that are buying houses and that gives me hope that maybe someday I can do that for Vincent and Mariska.  Its closer than it was yesterday and I have to remember that during these months ahead.  Our very own happy house. That sounds so amazing, and I have to tell you we are going to have one big amazing party when that happens :)

Oh my heart.  This is what I will finally be doing.  I have my final math class that starts in July and that I am not at all worried about at all.  And when school starts I will get to spend every Wednesday and Thursday in the classroom as I do my observation, then the following semester do my actual student teaching.  I just have to hold on to what I know and know with all that I am that the decisions that I am making right now are laying the groundwork for Mariska and Vincent to thrive.  I am working so very hard to create the life that I have wanted for so very long.  I was crying during the kids awards thinking WOW in time, that will be me giving awards to my class !  That was something so very amazing.  My only fear is that I may cry my entire first year of teaching saying to myself each and every day "ITS HAPPENING ITS REALLY HAPPENING".  Again I am closer than ever before, than even yesterday than even an hour ago.  Its with in my reach and I am holding on with all that I have.

Maybe this is less of a review of the year past and more about what is to come.  Oh I hope for so many things, so many things are changing. The time ahead even with all these fabulous things won't be easy.  But it will all be worth it.  The situation I am in at this very moment is what it is. Its more than hard and often hurtful.  It has been that way for some time.  I have to hold on to what is ahead, and know that tomorrow there will be me and when I teach it will be me, and when I have my house it will be me.  Being me gets so hard and I get more than exhausted but maybe for this time its what its supposed to be.  I am so very scared and so very excited about what is to come.

So Summer officially starts at 11:30 tomorrow.  I am making a special dinner for the kids and I to celebrate.  We are going to be in the pool, visiting museums, playing with Sugar (our newest family member) and play all.....summer.....long.  We are going to write and read and talk about our house and all the things we would like to plan.  And I will be awaiting the call from the principle telling me that I will be at their school and what classes I will get to be a part of. So my look ahead into the year wasn't so accurate but what can I say.....


I read this this morning :

There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called yesterday and the other is called tomorrow, so today is the right day to love, believe, do and mostly live.

~ Dalai Lama ~



WOW. How awesome is that.  Its something I need to do more of.  My past still hurts but I will continue, my present is less than desirable but I am moving forward and my future well time will tell, but its looking amazing and I have to stand in that.  Each and every day I am working and setting goals and doing the right things for my family. Today I will practice courage, and kindness.  I will be strong and brave. I will live.  I will live quite lovely.


I heart your heart.  Love ME.

My last Saturday night

Well its been some time and I still keep waiting for that void to be filled.  I am waiting for the space that once was so full in my heart just to close and go away and it isn't. No matter how hard I try its wide open and it doesn't feel good.  I don't even remember anymore if it was three or four years ago but .. I found The Corners or The Corners kind of found me . A church finding me that is kinda funny.  I was totally supposed to be there and truly believe with my whole heart it was some kind of divine intervention that is way beyond my understanding.    I used to tease that I would get struck with lightning bolts if I ever walked into the building.  I would walk into the youth building just glaring thinking yea right, why am I here, you could say I had a chip on my shoulder, A PRETTY BIG chip. I DID NOT believe in God and no one was going to change my mind.  But the people that I had met that were making a huge difference in my life were a part of this Church and they were real , and honest and true and so very kind. The people that I first met there were more than special.  All the things that I had been looking for my entire life, I was finding in this foreign place. 

It was around Christmas time and a friend of mine was an Angel in the Christmas play (which was a perfect fit !) invited me to go.  I was absolutely terrified, I would tease about getting hit with lightning bolts  but I think in a way I was serious, how could I, me, Sherri walk into a church?  It took every ounce of courage of strength I had to walk into that building.  And each and every person I came in contact with was so welcoming and so warm, people accepted me just because I was.

At that point I didn't even really believe in God.  I was settled that it was me alone in this world and that was that.  And the play was amazing and amazing things happened, I was noticed, I was welcomed and from that moment on The Corners became my church home.  I grew up in a church but I use that term loosely it was about as dysfunctional as a church can get and it was not a good experience.  But The Corners had my heart, it was the most amazing place with the most amazing people.  Then the following year we sold the building, OK I can go with that we are just moving into a new building.  Lots of people started leaving.  I thought that's OK, this is my home. I think I got used to people leaving.

I was there to help clean up in the new building, I scrubbed floors, cleaned windows, I was a part of something so very real and so true, it was AMAZING.  Then  Pastor Randy was having heart trouble, he was in and out of surgery.  Then not long after that he said that he was stepping down as lead pastor.  Oh my heart...I was feeling every emotion possible, so many people that I have loved have left and from where I come from I love you and I love you forever and it was so very difficult.

I found so very many things in this place and it was falling apart.  I even would sing.  And that doesn't sound like a big thing but for me it was really big.  We had a worship leader that was so true, he would speak from his heart and had a peace that was indescribable and I could sing.  I sang with my whole heart. And I would cry and look forward to the next service.  I started working with the children's ministry and I loved it.  I was afraid that I couldn't teach them what they needed to know, because i didn't know very much, but was encouraged and guided and I knew I was meant to be there with those little ones.

I found God in this place, I found real honest kind people.  I found a group of people that were truly amazing  in and out side of church. They lived how they believed, It was really and truly an amazing, awesome spectacular place.  A place that for once in my life I was accepted, for exactly who I was and I was learning so many new things about me , the world, the church, I was growing and was in a place that was truly remarkable.

Still more people leaving.  And more. And more. And more.

My home Church was turning into something different. Something was was not kind, and gentle.

Soon I started to only go because I was committed to the children's ministry.  Even then after some time I found myself dreading going.  People were different, I was different.  I so wanted to go but I wanted it to be what it once was.  I know change, I understand it, its a part of life but this kind of change was a totally different path.  This change was a bulldozer that was running over people in the process.  During this time I felt the pull in my heart this was not my place anymore, there was no time for me, no people for me, and it was terrifying.  I had never known a place like this before and it was seeping right through my fingers.  Oh I tried so very hard to hold on....But there was nothing to hold anymore. Everything that was so near and dear was gone.

I went one Saturday and There was a new Person and I went to  the back of the church in tears asking who is that ?  I am sure my eyes were as wide as can be, I was in shock, I was sad, I was in disbelief.  I think I knew then but I wanted to make sure.  SO I went that LAST SATURDAY.

We sat in the back, the kids and I, A totally different from where we always sat, and even Jake the worship pastor was different, he was pushed aside and the peace that he gave was trampled on, and then someone else got on the stage and made it about them and I couldn't take it any more, and we left before the music was even over, the music that I loved that I could finally sing to was silent in my heart. 

I walked to the back of the church unable to breathe. The place where I found life was gone, the place I loved so much was not there anymore.  And literally I walked to my car, trying to catch my breath, there were no words and so very many feelings. The kids quietly followed me asking if I was ok.  I said I wasn't but that we would be. I told the kids that this wasn't the right place for us anymore and that this would be our last time. There was silence. I pulled myself together.  And we walked back into the entry way waiting for the kids since I was scheduled to be in the Children's Department.  One of the elders walked out said Hello, and its kind of funny, he sent his wife out to see if I needed to check the kids in.  She came and gave me a hug and said Hello.  I said I was fine and she walked back into service.  Oh I wanted to hold onto her and ask her so many things what happened to this place ? where its OK to push people aside, to push peace aside and create a show ?  I smiled and cried and waited for the kids. 

When we got to the Children's ministry it was rough, I knew I would be leaving this place that I loved so very much.  And of coarse a song that always made me cry, was the first song we put on. The Children's minister, Julie would sing it and I would cry every time she put it on. She started to sing and I had to go out in the hall. Her singing with the passion in her heart for what she was doing was what I was going to miss.  My heart was so very sad.  I was going to miss these little ones. I was going to miss Julie singing that song. In her singing I wanted to believe every word like she did and that was such a gift, such an amazing gift ! I can only imagine what my eyes looked like, but I knew I was done, this wasn't the place for me anymore. This would be a night of so many lasts for me.

I was terrified to leave I had found so many things that I needed, that I was looking for.  I am afraid that I won't find people like this again.  I am afraid of loosing the people that I loved that made such a difference in my life.  I am afraid of never finding a place where I fit like that again.  I could write pages and pages of things that I am afraid of.  I am afraid of them all and then some.  For me this was special, not just another church, it was my home a place that had my heart. The first place ever.

Some of my fears have come true, some have not.  I don't get to see the people that I loved there often.  I am not sure I have it in me right now to look for another place where I fit in.  Where I am safe. I know that I loved that place and what it used to be, what it showed me was possible will forever be a part of my heart.... But I must Let Go.....

Little Life stories

Little life stories..... Do you know that those who are teachers are a big part of that ?  Of a child's life story ? Just think about how important that is ?  So much more than just a job.  Everyday we have these little ones come into our class that look to us for approval, for acceptance, for comfort.  These little kids come into our classrooms as a little open book at the very beginning of their life.story. Each and every day we make decisions that affect their story forever.  I think sometimes its so easy to forget just what we mean in their lives.  I think its forgotten just what we mean to those little lives that we love during our day.

This time next year, I will be done with all my classes, student teaching will be over and I will be looking for a job or maybe hopefully already have a job ( please, please, please, PLEASE)  There are so many reasons why that is super amazingly cool and over the top exciting.  Wow I haven't even really started writing and here come the tears.  Because I know with my entire heart that I am supposed to be a teacher.  I do not know many things for sure in my life but this is one of them. I was meant to teach.  I am sure I will cry those first days in my own class, and even the days that follow.  I was meant to hold those little hearts in my room for the day and make them proud of themselves and the work that they do.  Each child will be so very worthy from the second that they come into my class.  I was meant to make them feel safe and sound and to cherish and nurture their little souls with all that I am.  I will get the privilege to care for them, teach them and help them as each of their little stories are written.  Really how cool is that ?  People say oh just wait .... And I say OK.  I am more than ready.  I am sure there are going to be rough days and rough children and even harder parents but in the end for me its about the kids.  Its about showing them the good things in life. Its about showing them how special that they are in each and every way.  I will get to teach them about all the cool things around them even math because someday Algebra just might be important, not sure yet but maybe !?!  I am going to get to share about all the amazing things around them.  I will show them kindness and teach how very important that it is in the world.  I can not think of anything more important than caring for those little hearts that I will have in my class.

I TOTALLY love children, they are kind of amazing when you really think about it.  I remember my kids first grade conference and saying something about my kids and how they weren't doing something, that I thought they should be.  And their wonderful teacher Mrs. Bell said "Well they have only been around for 6 short years you know ?"And I stopped for a minute, wow, how true is that ?  Think about it.....

These little ones have only been around for a short time and have so much to learn in so many areas.  It's our job to help them with ;to guide them.  Oh I just love their little hearts their innocence, their laughter, I love that they think they are invincible, I love how funny they can be, or how funny they "think" they are, and that can be anything they imagine.  So for a minute just think....6 years?  That doesn't seem like very long at all.  So we must be patient, and kind and repeat directions over and over and teach kindness and love and respect because they have only been in this world a very short time.

I was never a kid that got to do any of those things and I think that is part of why its so very important to me now and the kids that I teach.  I want to be able to give the things that I never got.  I will take such good care of their hearts because its the only one that they will ever have.  We can help it grow and make it beautiful or we need to find another job.  I will always stop for the crying little one in the hall, that needs some extra TLC.  I will always work with that hard to love kid who gets on your very last nerve.  I will try to answer the one who has a question for everything.  I will love the kid that is different; because I was that kid.  Believe me, I know there are those kids that annoy and pester and get on those last nerves but I will end each day letting them know that regardless of absolutely anything... anything at all that they are special and amazing in so many ways.

I think I totally come at teaching from a different angle;  it was never what I imagined myself doing.  I was going to school for  Psychology, well child psychology because honestly you can have the adults, my heart is for the kids.  The more that I got into it I realized that I was going to be dealing with the "PARENTS" and knew that was going to be the hard part.  I wanted to help kids feel all the good things in life that I never did.  I wanted kids to be able to play and be free and feel worthy of all that this crazy world has to offer.  I come into teaching knowing all the things I so desperatly needed but never got, and wanting to be able to make a difference.

Well things got sidetracked, I pressed charges on my father, testified in Boston, had Vincent and Mariska , things were CRAZY, totally crazy.  I don't remember even really changing my major it just happened.  Once I went back to school when the kids were close to three I knew that teaching was my home, my  heart and exactly where I needed to be.  And here I am that being closer than ever, and it's so VERY exciting.  I have a huge responsibility to my children, but to all those little life stories that I will get to be a part of.  I see teaching as a privilege and I look forward to seeing how all those little life stories progress and how I can make them better.

So to all the children that will be in my class I so look forward to meeting you and seeing what I can do to make your story something wonderfully amazing.

On being FAT

The lotus flower they grow from the mud , reaching for the sun.

I know stating the obvious right.  Straight from my heart this is so very hard.  I know the obvious and it scares me to death I know all the words fat, overweight, obese oh I hate that one. They all cut like a knife and yet here I am; plain and simple fat, overweight, obese. Go ahead pick one they all fit.  There are so many reasons , so many things to explain and my heart sits here sad.  I wish things weren't this way but right now they are. This is where I am and once again I am scared beyond imagination.  This isn't pretty , I am sorry.  This is the story, these are the wounds and still  I am trying to make sense of it all.  Crazy all the things that a person can choose to cope with life.  Some pick drugs, some sex, some workout all the time for me there were not many options I was 5 so I choose food, and I am not even sure it was a choice really, in my head it was pure survival, a way for me to keep myself safe.

I was once a skinny little kid, I know hard to imagine right but I was.  Well until about 5 and the really bad abuse started.  And my father and Albert would hurt me and tell me I was beautiful. 

Just for one second imagine what that does to a little kid ?  They are doing this because I am beautiful ? Does this make me beautiful ? How can the word beautiful even go with what is happening ? So confusing and complicated, its unimaginable really.

It was a complicated world  and it hurt.  So in my little head , my little growing mind I decided that beautiful was something I never wanted to be.  Eating was a way to cope. My way of making things make sense. Something hurts well eat something that will help you not feel and for me in my little life that was a good thing. When such terrible things are happening you need something good and for me that was food.  It didn't hurt me and it filled something in my heart and even better I thought it made me ugly. So later as I was  growing up eating became my friend, a way for me to be ugly and stay that way.  To keep people away, to be by myself because when you are all alone people can't hurt you.  And that became my way of life. Total and truly.  It was eat to stay ugly.  And when it didn't work and I kept getting hurt, there just was no explanation no excuse, then it was just well I am not worth anything , anything at all.    Food was the only thing I knew to make me feel better when there weren't people around to hold my heart I found something to fill that hole.  In my life I could count on no one but food was always there. 


I was the target of many jokes, they got pretty bad in elementary school, which was the worse time for me because there was so much going on.  I can remember these shorts that I loved.  I think they were terry cloth and I want to say I had a white pair and maybe orange ?  Maybe I was asking for it with the orange pair but I LOVED them; but they  got  me made fun of.

ALL THE TIME. 

Its funny, I ate to become almost invisible but in that you stick out gaining weight. Its such a balance, trying to figure it all out.  But shoving the feelings became such a need that I didn't really care. I couldn't feel what I WAS feeling so I ate to cover it up.   All I ever wanted to do was fade away, fade into the background, fade into the wallpaper and that never seemed like an option something always made me stick out.  Whether it was the abuse, the weight, me being mature, being developed at 10, I just I don't know. 

So I went through school being heavy, that puts you into an entirely different category once you reach middle school and high school.  Middle school honestly sucked, nothing worked to stuff the feelings and oh I tried believe me I tried.  Then there was youth group and the leader saying no one would want to do that to me I was "chubby and unpopular" and all of that and Blah, Blah the story is in another post.  There were a few people I would hang around but mostly I was on my own.  I knew that so I stayed to myself.  As a junior I went to Germany for the summer, I felt free I lost a lot of weight there we climbed mountains, and went back down the same mountain  in the dark (that's a story), we walked all over European cities.  They were into Tofu and we ate Happy Chicken burgers, Ha crazy right ?!?.  I was safe there and I didn't need to eat.  The need to hide was in my bones, I still wanted to be invisible but I didn't need to eat to become ugly and that felt good.

And I am not sure what happened really but I didn't want to be heavy anymore.  There was no abuse for a few years now and maybe I was gaining some of me back and I wanted things to be different.  I wanted to believe in people and the world around me.  And I lost over 120 pounds.  I still felt ugly but I was comfortable in my skin when I was alone.  But I hated all the comments all the looks all the attention.  And the jokes from my family never stopped.  I can remember that it had been a few days since I had eaten anything and I made some lunch.  And my brother and a few of his friends were sitting at the table and my brother started to snort like a pig and said oh that's where the food is going.  I was devastated and everyone laughed.  My mother being right there, even she laughed.  And I think that's when it started not eating in front of anyone.  Looking back its crazy I was a size 8 and being made fun of for eating.  And then I started to get attention from boys and that I wasn't ready for.  It was at Collin County and his name was Ryan, he held doors open for me he smiled when I said save the whales and I would not go out with him that is one thing I regret in this life.  He showed up to class early to talk to me....I didn't know what to do, the attention scared me to death.  And  then there was Scott who treated me the same before and after I lost the weight he was awesome, he would laugh, we liked the same movies we were both into psychology, we would set our schedule to take the same classes but I was afraid.  Afraid of being beautiful, afraid of being seen and once again I didn't go out with Scott either.  I remember talking to a woman that was going to be my trainer and  kinda like a life coach.  She was going to get me going and believing in myself again.  I remember asking  my family what they thought, and I was laughed at told that it was stupid.  So I cancelled my time with her.  One of the last straws was being in a Hastings I think looking at I think it was tapes and a guy said he liked my shirt, I remember it like it was yesterday it was lime green with these little triangles, I loved that shirt too it was my favorite....but in that moment I was done being noticed.  I didn't ask for his comment and I didn't want his attention I was just looking for some music.  And I started to gain the weight back and then some.

I wish that food didn't keep me safe, I wish that it didn't fill some kind of hole.  Then fast forward to my time at the ranch and doing things for me like joining a life group and everything.  And there I was just me.  I remember saying to a friend once these people wouldn't care if I came in dirty clothes and my hair was a mess ?  And he said no they wouldn't.  That was such a new thing to me. Someone liking me for me , just because I was. and my journey back to me began with those people who loved me. 

But in all that, all the stories all the scars, all the damage I am still heavy.  I still do not eat in front of people, I fear what they will think, I fear them wondering why is she eating that ?  So the few times I have gone out to a restaurant I don't eat.  When there are brunches at work, I don't eat.  Going over someones house again I don't eat.  Crazy as it is the kids and I went on a camping trip and again I didn't eat all weekend, amazing the things we carry with us, that are so hard to drop.

Its all kind of in my face lately.  My mother had weight loss surgery and her attitude the person that she was has changed, you thought she didn't care before well its worse. She wants me to be this cheer leader for her when I have never gotten that support or caring.  I just can not be that for her.  She is all that matters and since I am not skinny "like her" I don't really matter.  Everything she does is the right way and everything she eats is better.  As a young kid I was worth nothing in my house and now as an adult I am not skinny and I am worth nothing in her house. And the hard part is that I have learned that I am worth something and its hard living with someone who doesn't see that.  I am working so very hard in so many areas and its just not seen or its seen and dismissed.  She just thinks she is wonderful and in the process she is turning into something I don't like.  For her weight is everything and for me weight is only one small piece.

I am scared, I don't want to be heavy but I am scared not to.  I am scared to be noticed, scared for people to see me.  I have said before if I could loose weight for me and put a fat suit on for the world I would be more comfortable.  I dream of prince charming some day but that can't happen the way I am.  People always say it matters what is on the inside.  True it does but the outside matters a whole lot too.  I do still eat to fill the holes sometimes and sometimes its such a habit I don't even realize I am doing it.  I am just me crazy Sherri and skinny or fat my heart is the same.  Maybe a little more healing and I will be ready to loose weight.  Maybe this will get easier once the kids and I have our own happy life.  Maybe I won't be ready; right now I don't have any answers but so much is placed on weight and I don't like it.  There are so many different pieces of this for me.  Excuse me if this is choppy there are just a lot of pieces that go into this heart that is mine.

I think I saw something different when we had our family picture taken.  For once, I liked that picture of me, I loved my little family and dare I say it : I felt pretty. I felt like I didn't want to hide I wanted everyone to see my awesome amazing family. I saw that my children look like me and the three of us are something amazing.  We have come a really long way and once we get up this hill we are going to blossom. When I look at that picture its us, its who we are. Fat or skinny old or new its who we are and those are the things that matter.  I am not sure whats ahead, and I know I don't have to eat to hide I just need to convince my heart.  My heart needs a lot of convincing that it is safe and sound and I have two little ones that are counting on my heart.  So what the future holds ? A skinny Sherri I am not sure but healthier yes I think its coming.   Someday, even I dream of my very own fairy tale.

When you hold my hand you hold my heart. Maybe someday that will be OK for me. Maybe someday that will be safe for ME.
Thanks for hearing my heart today my friends.