Burden ..It's on US

So this is more than BIG. I am not a Burden, I have a burden. What ? What do you mean I am not a burden ? That it wasn't meant for me to carry alone ?? This...wow....THIS. I have written it down and read it over and over trying to figure out how this fits into my brain Now that is one tangled mess in my life that's for sure. I am not sure that i know how to untangle the two. Having a burden and being a burden are in my book the same thing. My entire life I have felt like a burden, my entire life I have been a bother a pest, a problem. I was not supposed to need or want anything. I was supposed to be seen and not heard, I was supposed to shut up and just do what I was told. It was like that my whole entire life. Needing or wanting anything was seen as a major problem, I was taking too much time. I don't remember a time when I didn't feel like a burden. Even being so little I remember feeling like I was a bother and a Burden even to my mother. All that mattered was my father and what he wanted. And I can remember times when I needed her so much and she just wasn't there. What I wanted, yes EVEN NEEDED as a little girl didn't matter. I was always a bother, my needs didn't matter, EVER. I can remember saying to my mom once when we dropped my father off at the air port that I wish that it was just her and I, her reply said it all "but we are a family". I had little braids, I was sitting in the front seat of the car. I was so little and i knew that nothing was going to stop, nothing was going to change. He was the only thing that mattered his needs, wants and feelings those were what mattered. So today that is a struggle, its been a struggle for some time, that its ok to need something, that its ok to need other people that its ok that I can not possibly carry all that has happened to me on my own, that is big. Because all of my life that is what was expected. Just keep moving and keep carrying all the things that had happened , just do what you have to do to make it . Even when my burden got to heavy and I reached out for help, and to the right people, counselors, youth group leader still I was made to carry that burden alone, no one stepped up NOT ONE PERSON. And that is the worst feeling. I knew just how awful that things were, I couldn't keep quiet anymore so I opened my mouth, I tried to ask for help....And people ignored, people told lies, people didn't want to believe that I was telling the truth. It was easier for people to point fingers at me. To blame me, to say that I was lying than to address the problem and help me. Oh I was screaming out for help and was only let down. So many people that were authority figures, that could have done something just did not and I was the one to pay the price. With that I came to believe that I was the burden, I was the one who was a problem, who had the problem and who had to take care of things on my own.

I can remember talking about Bella for the first time. I was 17, I think. It was in a little Bar in Germany the Crone I think it was. And I talked about her I cried, it was dark, candles were lit and I opened my heart. I had not felt anything in a long time. And I think for the first time ever I was listened to, I was comforted. And even though I didn't have that all the time, I had those moments in Germany and that meant the world. I am not even sure if he remembers, but it meant oh so much to my hurting heart. I missed her, and I was more than sorry. Someone listened and was sorry too. I needed that comforting, I needed to be listened to and until that time no one listened. Not a real live human, I had the whales at 13 but human kindness is something that I craved, that I longed for that I think, I still long for a lot of the time, and it's more than hard to accept.

I was in my thirties until I truly felt that I wasn't a burden to people but it was a feeling that I would feel for a flash then it would quickly disappear. Because I have to fight the feeling of being a burden ALL THE TIME. I was taught that I was always a bother and a pest, so when someone says no you are not, that the things you wanted were normal things, that someone should have done things different that is more than hard to accept and harder for my brain to understand. Even today when I need something I feel needy and useless and I have to remind myself that is the old, having a need doesn't make me needy. But its so strong, and so uncomfortable I try to need nothing. I feel like all the things in my life have made me needy and sometimes that need is so great, that it is unbearable. Its so frustrating the bind that people like me are in. We want to share and be a part. We want to be a part of the group but our Burdens are heavy, and I have not quite figured out how to balance the Burden and the neediness, and wanting someone to be close.

There are all these campaigns out, saying women should not walk alone in the suffering, we should all stand up together, we should all do some thing and those are all just words until something happens close to you in your own backyard and then it becomes personal. And then others begin to ignore. So we say to people speak out, speak the truth and yet most people are not ready to hear it. Most people are not ready to help you carry that burden, that you never asked for but now have to carry. I think people mean well, but they don't know what to do. I can tell you something is better than nothing, a kind smile is better than silence, I note to say hello is better than ignoring. We have to be careful be selective. We have to judge if our story is ok or if our story is off limits.

So the things that have happened to me are a major burden that I will deal with all the days of my life. And I have had some that have helped carry my pain and lessen the burden. I have had some run as fast as they could. So I have to learn that I am NOT a burden. I have a burden and its ok, to let others help. I don't have to carry this all on my own. So I think for many others this is an important truth to come to understand. Many of us feel as if we are a burden because the need in our heart for the things that we should have had all along, but didn't get is huge beyond belief. We are always hoping for relief....ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS.  

 I heart your heart and hope you have help in your Burdens, we were not meant to carry them alone. <3

When I get to Heaven

So a few weeks ago I was asked what I thought God would say to me when I got to heaven. I was caught more than a little off guard, I didn't have a clue. My first thought was that I would fall to the ground and I would cry and cry and cry. My next thought was well is my father going to be there ? If he is there I am out! The people who have hurt me to my very soul, will they be there ? because in all honesty if they are all going to be there forget it. Forget it no thank you. Heaven is supposed to be a safe place, a place where all the things that were wrong here on earth, don't hurt anymore. Heaven is the safest of the safest places. My heart would not be safe with those men in Heaven. I just have not been able to get this thought out of my head. What would God say to me when I get to heaven. I have asked a few people and their responses made me cry, they were so real so heartfelt and I think that I feel there is a part of me, or ok maybe all of me that doesn't deserve that kindness, that can not imagine that kind of unconditional love. I have not been totally accepting and I have more than enough doubt to go around. I have this crazy relationship with God, I see him I believe in him. But he is way over there and I am way over here. Its kind of like we are sitting on the same couch, but are miles apart. That is exactly how I picture it in my head.

You know the scene, you walk into an office and scope out the seats, who looks the least scary, and then you see it, the couch that no one else is sitting on. So you sit down and check out your surroundings. The door opens in walks that "person" there will always be that person that with all the other seats In the room they of coarse sit next to you on the couch that has now shrunk at least 10 times the size that it was before. And you start to sweat and you smile and try not to be totally annoyed, as you look around at ALL THE EMPTY SEATS and yet ….the choice is made and this person sits next to you. And the thought totally crosses my mind to move to the other side of the room for a little more personal space but of coarse, I don't want to seem rude. So I uncomfortably sit and wait. You acknowledge that he is there, you see them believe they are there but you don't really want to be their best friend or anything. Well that right there is God and I sitting on the same couch. I feel as though there are times, he ever so gently nudges me and I acknowledge him, I see him but I am sure not going to scoot over and have a conversation. I feel like he is there waiting for me and I just am not ready to scoot over. I am not ready to hear, I have always been there, I am not ready to express the anger that is inside, thanks for showing up where were you those first 30 something years!!!!  I am not ready to share my heart and trust that it will be cared for .

So yesterday while I was writing an Email it came to me clear as crystal, what I want to hear : I am so very sorry Sherri, things were so hard, so very sorry but I am here and you are safe and sound now. You will never be hurt again. Let's go meet Bella.

That is what I want to hear that he is sorry for all the things that have happened, but that I am finally safe and can't be hurt ever again. That is it, that is it completely.

And I think sometimes that is what I am waiting for. I can't get closer on the couch just yet, because I just can't have my heart broken again or anymore and until someone can make that promise I will be guarded. There are times I feel myself getting closer but I am scared to death. I have given my whole heart and it was not cared for, not remembered, not seen. Its going to take time to get there again.  I am taking the right steps, I am just vey very careful.

So I do know the things that I want to hear, I know that I have a long way to go before we will be friends on the couch and not strangers. I am working on it, harder than you can imagine, but just like all things they take time with me and I am really truly trying.

I heart your heart.

PAIN DESERVES TO BE FELT

So I saw this when I saw the movie The fault in our stars. I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote it down. It struck such a chord with me.

I watched it again and still felt it. This is something important, LISTEN CALLAHAN . LISTEN. LISTEN.  This just might be the next step. Pain Even your pain Deserves to be Felt.

Pain Deserves to be felt.

Pain Deserves to be felt.

Pain Deserves to be felt.

This is a truly rough one for me. Sure I feel it, but is that ok ?  I am different; I do not deserve to feel, to be sad. Nevertheless, it's where I am right now. And I wonder every day Does that count even for me? Of coarse pain deserves to be felt, BUT not for me. I mean as a kid I was fine, I went through the motions of my life, I got up went to school did my work, well mostly. I spent a lot of my time pretending, ignoring that there was no pain there, in my heart; No I take that back I know it was there but I often refused to feel it. I mean I had to that is how I made it. Pretending that everything was fine was how I survived. Today I smile, I laugh, say that I am fine and for sure I don't feel the pain most of the time, only in my heart I do; it's never far away ALL THE TIME. There are reminders absolutely everywhere; I tell myself I don't deserve to feel the pain it's been too long, it will crack me. Others will hate, me and think I am dwelling, I have thousands of reasons why I do not deserve to feel the things that I do. Somehow, I didn't feel the pain way back then so I don't deserve to feel it now. If I can be ok at five, why can't I be ok today at 39? And I wasn't ok at five, I was just doing what I had to do. I know the pain is there, in my bones, it creaks in with headaches, and ulcers and bruises in my sleep. I hate myself so much that I don't think I have a right to the pain that I feel. That is it right there. What right do I have to feel it all this time later? I hate the five year old that laid there and thought well its ok he just thinks that I am my mom. I just laid there, did nothing didn't fight, didn't tell him to stop. I mean come on he just thinks I am my mom. That was a rational thought until I was in my 20's!!!!! I hate the eight year old that stared out the window, tears strolling down my face as Albert drove me to the park. I watched my parents getting further away in the rear view mirror, they waved, saying goodbye, I never said a word as his hands were where ever he wanted them and we hadn't even turned the corner. I hate that 13 year old, that wanted so much to be a part to be noticed and in that terrible things happened, that I couldn't stop that I couldn't control. I couldn't make things different and I hate that. I sometimes hate myself for surviving. And that is not that I want to die at all that is not it. It is that sometimes the pain is so intense that I feel like I am breaking inside and I wish that one of them would have finished me off. I know how very close to death that I was. I know that; I know that there was something inside that kept me alive that kept me fighting, Somehow my mind was able to go away, keep me safe and I hate those things but those were the exact same things that kept me alive that allowed myself to go away in my mind and make the things that were happening to me disappear. I am not sure that I deserve to feel the hurt that I feel. I cannot remember a time that I didn't hate myself and I have to change that. I cannot hate the little girl that I was, because everything that I hate were the things that got me through, that helped me survive the hell that I was in. I am scared that to feel the pain I will disintegrate into millions of tiny pieces that I will never get back together again. But the truth is if I was going to fall apart, I already would have, if the acts themselves didn't kill me, and I am still here than for sure I can feel the hurt ?!? RIGHT?!? It is as if I look at everything as if I am holding it in my hands and so very close to my heart but at the same time I am holding my arm as far away from me as possible. I can see it, so very clear, I can see all the tiny details, yet the hurt is OVER THERE far away and I don't have to feel it. I hold it dearly it affects everything but I DO NOT feel it consciously all the time, its just there. It just IS there are moments it gets close, and I feel it and then I put it way out there again it's just too much. So maybe just maybe its time that I allow myself to feel and know that, that's ok. Life was hard, hurtful unthinkable and unimaginable. However, I am here. Yes its been years but it hurts, I am not dwelling I am trying with everything I know to heal and maybe that next step is just letting myself feel the pain, with out feeling guilty, without giving myself a time frame for it to be ok. Without feeling as if I have to explain why it still hurts my heart so much. I HOPE that it will be better someday, but I think maybe the only way is right through this exactly where I am . I have had a few really good years with an amazing person that got me through a huge piece of the past; he helped me crawl out of a big black hole that I was in and I didn't have to do it alone. I got so many things done, and I felt the pain, and I came a really long way and I didn't crumble, I did not shatter. I actually grew in so many things. It hurt, there was plenty of pain and oceans of tears but I came out on the other side better than when I started. And now its time to continue that, let someone be there, let the few people that care, that are close to me really be there and help me. They are not running, they are staying and walking with me. I am not sure if there is an end to this healing journey, I don't think that there is. I think there may always be days when the pain is going to need to be felt, but it won't be so intense. And for me that has to be ok, for those around me that has to be ok, because it's MY life. There will be sad days, there will be joyous days; days when I want to forget, but they are all my days just the same. I can not go back, I can not change the things that happened but they don't have to stop me from living either.  I won't let it.

My fears in feeling the pain today is that somehow, I am going to be stuck back there and I will not be able to escape, that is what my mind fears most. I think sometimes my mind forgets that IT IS OVER. My mind is so worried about protecting me, that it's a fight to feel. If I don't feel, I am going to be stuck in these thoughts, these feelings and I just cannot do that. There are too many things that I want to do, personally, professionally and even as a mom.  The life that I have lived, I will never put it away until there is no more abuse, until no child is hurt so the faster I deal with my own pain the more that I will be ble to help others. I have to make a difference, I was meant too.  There is a lot of life left for me to live and I need to do what needs to be done. Feel what is there, don't create more, just feel what there is to feel with out regret, or excuses. Live this crazy wonderful life as much as it hurts with as much joy, kindness, and happiness as possible. 

So hold on, things could get rocky but its all for the good of my heart; you never know just might learn something.

I heart your heart.

 

Little Dove So much Meaning

The little things. Little things like Birds. So this morning. Yea I don’t even know where I am supposed to start. All I can think of is a post that I am working on…The pain deserves to be felt. And it was something so simple that I didn’t even realize was a big thing.

I was cleaning up folding laundry, getting ready to check some things off my list that needed to get done. I heard this huge thump, and the dogs didn’t bark, me being the chicken that I am waited for a minute then went to see. I went right to the window and this little dove was laying in the flower bed. I just stared, this doesn’t happen often. Birds are pretty good at the flying thing, and flying into windows isn’t normal. I stood there thinking she is in shock and the little thing will shake it off and start flying. Oh the thoughts in my head cheering the little thing on, wanting her to fly. She took two little breaths, her wings totally relaxed, and she closed her eyes. She had passed away. Just like that. I went outside and checked on her, she wasn’t moving. I went and got a box and carefully, gently scooped her up being careful and was going to go bury her. There was blood by her beak and that made me sad, she hit the window so hard. I was worried about something getting to her. So I was going to wrap her in some tissue and find a spot on the side of the house to bury her.

I was fine, it was sad that she died, I thought something might have been wrong since that is not a common occurrence for birds. But then burying her in the yard wasn’t an option. And I was expected to just throw her in the trash and my heart, my heart was in flight mode; that was the worst option. To me that wasn’t even an option at all. To throw her in the trash with trash was in some crazy way a way to say that she meant nothing. And just like that I felt the pain.  I know she was just a little bird but she wasn’t nothing either. So I took the little box around front, I put the shovel away. Went inside got my keys and was going to take care of this little bird. I went and picked up the box putting it in the front seat and I went to the park. I placed her by the water, near the rocks, putting her little head on a rock. She was peaceful, I felt better feeling as though I took care of her.

I am not sure the part that got to me the most. I was truly ok until that thought of throwing her away, brought back so much of my father. Expecting to throw her in the trash was big. As a little girl I can remember little gerbils or hamsters dying and the monster that my father was would make a big deal out of throwing them in the trash and then have me watch the trash truck. How cruel. So for me throwing this little bird In the trash just wasn’t an option. To put her in there and pile the weeks trash on top of her; that was heartbreaking, that was not something I could even consider doing. I can remember watching from my bedroom window, and thinking how sorry that I was for my own little animals that were just thrown away. I just wanted to make them a small little space to bury them, but he had to make it something terrible and I never got to burry, not one animal. And its those little things that amaze me after all this time that something so small means so much to my heart. So that was a huge piece, and I remembered that pain of being that little girl and watching out the window. I am sure my father wasn’t far away, and sneering and thinking that what he had done was just fine. I am sure that he enjoyed himsef. But it broke my heart.

And another piece of it for me is the bird thing. Birds are kind of special. Birds have been important, they have shown up for me in ways that I least expected them to and when I really need it. I never have really trusted people but animals, birds that is something entirely different. I mean it was that huge pelican that saved me when I was 13, showing up each morning on the Balcony. And birds have shown up, out of the blue and just sat close , on a windowsill, on the windshield when people haven’t been around birds have been there. I am always listening to them in those early mornings, trying to figure out the kind of bird that is singing. I am always on the look out for a cardinal, its just one of those little things in life that I truly appreciate. There have been days when the tears wouldn’t stop and I wasn’t sure that they ever would and in a group of trees, I would see one single Cardinal, those are the things that are important and meaningful to me. There is even a verse right by my door talking about Birds and its this :

Consider the birds and do not worry. Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or drink or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? LOOK AT THE BIRDS OF THE AIR; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns. And yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they…..

So that has meant the world to me since living here and realizing different things, birds have taught me many things and I felt that it was my job to be respectful …..I just wanted to carefully take care of her…..give her a place to rest.

For some she was just a bird, to me she was a dove that I needed to take care of. That’s my heart.

I heart your heart.

Boy Scouts

So yea this is a rough one, Really rough and its something that I can not change. Being a single mom of a boy is hard. And I wouldn’t' change it for the world, I love being a boy mom. I love being Vincent's mom. But for Vincent I wish that I could give him a dad, a role model a real man to go thru life with him. Its really hard and there just is no way around it. Any way that I look at it, its rough, its more than complicated and it breaks my heart for Vincent. There are a lot of things that I can give Vincent but Boy Scouts is not one of them. He is all boy he has loved being outside since he was little little. He loves fishing camping mud, sweat all of those things are what Vincent loves. I love some of those things too and I do them with Vincent because I know its what he loves but Boy Scouts is something different. Boy scouts is a bunch of boys and their dads getting together and doing those things together. Its not a bunch of dads and a mom ; that just doesn't work. Oh I would like it to work but it does not. A mom just does things different, just a fact.

When we go fishing, its quite the scene I have to make sure that we are kind to the fish, that we put them back. I pretend that I am the voice of the worm and it goes something lie this : NO, please don't put me on the hook no please don't do it I don't want to be lunch. And I go on and on, even after the worm is in the water, pretending to be the voice of that poor worm waiting to get eaten by a three inch fish. Then I am the fish, that has gotten caught oh please carefully remove the hook, I want to go be with my family....I know I know its my way of dealing with the whole fishing thing. It is funny, but I am sure it drives Vincent crazy. It is funny, we laugh but its not a boy fishing trip. I do everything else different why not fishing right ? I make it memorable, there is lots of laughing And how I do it is ok, but its not how a man would do it I am sure. That is the exact experience that Vincent misses out on.

Sweet Vincent even got a helicopter from his grandmother and he said that he would return it so he could pay for boy scouts. Oh if you could have see how excited that he was. And the truth is it melted my heart and made me feel awful. I am sorry for so very many things and this is a big one. So being a single mother there are some things that I just cannot do. And I am sure that Vincent would be fine, Vincent would find friends, Vincent may not be the only guy with a single mom but for this mom it is just too much.

I had for the name sake; my brother had a "DAD" growing up and that meant nothing. So my mom did Boy Scouts with my brother and the stories were told, moms do not belong in Boy Scouts. There were camping trips that were left in the middle of the night. There were cookouts with steak and my mom and her hot dogs. There were ceremonies and competitions that are to be done with dads, and there was my mom. There are some things that moms just are not very good at. There are just boy things that should be done with boys. I don't know the why's or how's but there are things that men are better at and being a dad is one of them. I am more than sorry for that, I just can't give that to Vincent.

I am so very sorry that Vincent doesn't have one and I can not give it to him. Believe me I have tried to find a role model; there have been a few men that I have asked. I have asked them to be around for Vincent take him under their wing be a good guy, show him what that means, help him grow be an example and I have not found anyone to take that challenge. I have tried so hard and yet no one wants that job they are all busy with their own families their own lives and I completely understand but it is hard when you are on this end. And it is hard when you are Vincent and you want more than anything to experience life doing boy things with a dad. I am sure there are times he gets sick of us girls. Mariska and I. He hears words about pads, and periods, and bra sizes and shaving and all of that and I am sure he would like to escape sometimes. We laugh and try to make it easy on him but I know that it is not.

Just the other day I told Vincent about his name and how I picked it out for him. That I knew his name was going to be Vincent long before he was even born. Do you Remember that show Beauty and The beast with Linda Hamilton, she was hurt and Vincent was the one who saved her took care of her. He was the kindest most gentle soul and I was sure that If ever had a son he would be just like that. And all that I can do is try to teach him the things that I know. I hope and pray that someday there will be a man that he can look up to, that he can ask questions too and do all those boy things that his heart longs for. As his mom there are times that I see him longing for a dad and its hard. I play both roles all the time but some I do better than others and Boy Scouts is not in my book of tricks. I hope someday he can understand and know I am sorry, that I tried so very hard to give him good things and good company and that sometimes it just wasn’t enough. And this is one of those things.

My sweet amazing Vincent, oh I love you !

I Heart your Heart.

In case of Emergency

So I was filling out my paperwork for Plano schools. And there comes the place where you are supposed to fill in the in case of emergency, who would you like them to contact. I sat staring at that question forever. Its one of those things you can't just put someone’s name down with out telling him or her you know. So I SAT. And I stared and I left it blank with out giving it much thought. I wasn’t going to be a pest and ask someone hey can I put you down for an emergency contact ? You know in case I have a heart attack, or a bomb explodes or I have a panic attack in public and no one knows what to do with me ? Yea can I put you down for that lovely job !!!! So no I didn’t put down a name and left it blank and didn’t give it another thought until I actually had to turn in the said paper work to HR. She was sitting there looking over all my information checking my transcripts, yada yada and she stops when she gets to THAT question. She looks at me and says you didn’t put an emergency contact…..Silence and I was like yes it that a problem ….and the look that I got from her; she was totally confused. I asked if I had to have someone? that there wasn’t anyone to put on it. She had no words and until the look on her face I didn’t see it as such a big deal. But that look, it was rough. She was a little flustered and said well I am going to have to check and see if this is ok…..Like if it wasn’t she was going to magically produce someone to put as my emergency contact ! The woman was acting like this was some matter of life and death here, which it was not, I promise. And she got her answer well if there is no one then its fine to leave it blank. Just how she looked at me made me feel terrible and she said “ Well we are just going to put a line through that then, like that was going to make a difference or something. And we moved on with the rest of the paperwork.

Just that she made such a big deal about it, and then each person on either side of me gave me the looks, it was just plain awkward. I mean it can’t be that uncommon right ? I don’t know. Is it really that big of a deal ?

I was fine with it until she made such a big deal out of something so small. That’s just it really, I don’t ask even in case of emergencies. And there have been times that I should, times that I should have asked for help that I was in a bigger emergency than anyone imagined but I never said a word. That’s been the problem my entire life its been full of emergencies and you just do it, you don’t ask for help, but honestly its deeper than that because its not even a thought. Asking for help is not even in your world. Asking for help means that you are needy and that is one of the last things that I ever want to be.

So yea thank you crazy HR woman for bringing that to my attention.

No, I do not have an emergency contact, and right now that is how it is and I have to be ok with that. I have people its just that I am not going to bother them with some stupid emergency contact space on your form that you are not comfortable leaving blank.

I heart your heart

The Healing Journey

A poem about the healing journey By Svava Brooks

 

Mirror mirror, what do you see?

I see a scared little girl hiding behind a tree.

I see you little girl, I love you little girl, I am here for you little girl

Nothing will ever hurt you again little girl.

Mirror mirror, what do you see?

I see a hurt young woman hiding behind her glee.

I see you, I hear you, I believe you, I still love you.

It was not your fault, it’s time to feel,

Mirror mirror, what do you see?

I see an insecure woman hiding behind her plea.

I feel your heart, I know this is hard, you are fighting for your life, you are tired of the fight,

But with a touch of hope, she continues to fight

Mirror mirror, what do you see?

I see a spark and a gleam in this determined woman’s eye,

I feel your heart, I hear your voice, stronger, knowing who she is

The strength that found courage inside.

Mirror mirror, what do you see?

A confident woman that shares her heart,

A beautiful woman that shares her love,

A gentle woman that has compassion for all,

A wise woman that encourages all,

A peaceful women that knows herself.

Mirror mirror, what do you see?

A woman that does not need me to tell her what I see

Because she knows herself, trusts herself and loves herself.

A woman humble enough to know she needs others, needs to belong

And needs to feel loved and to love.

Thank you my mirror, you showed me until I could see,

that all along, I could love me.

Now, I am very happy and proud to be me!

By Svava Brooks

2014

 

 

This is good, this is really good. Not nearly there but I am trying.

 

I am workng really hard and someday. Its a journey, My journey. 

 

I heart your heart