fighting for faith

I hear that word and just shake my head.  I don't have it I don't understand the word and I sure don't know how to get it.  I have heard some explain it as believing in something even when you can't see it.  Like God knowing he is there even though you can't see him.  I know that I keep going back to this,,,, its just that in my life experience things are not the same.  I always go back to that moment saying my prayers before I went to bed at night...Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the lord my soul to keep if I should die before I wake....and the prayer goes on only for me I  continued with the silent prayer please please don't let me wake up, I can not live through another night of hurt from my father.  When you are five living that life and your prayers are not answered,  I see things like faith very differently.

I would pretend to be sleeping so I didn't have to go to church.  Because you see church should't hurt and for me it always did.  The Good god that everyone talked about I never experienced.  The healing, the one who carries you when you can't do it on your own, the one who comforts you when no one is there I don't know that. When you hear the priest speak, and hear all the words and then see those that have brutalized and hurt your soul receive communion and then look my way and smirk,  those are things that you want nothing to do with,  those are things that I want nothing to do with that I see in movies that are more than real.These are things that I lived and breathed.  These things change you.  They change you and I am not sure that no matter how hard that I try I can never go back and forget those things.  I have met great people and I met my favorites in a church, and I love them so very much, and I am more than grateful for them. I fear all the time that if I don't believe that they will give up on me.  That is huge.  They have helped in so many ways but there are also things that they can't understand and things that can't be fixed things that are so deep and hurt so very much that they just are.  There is no healing them, there is no making it better,  they were done and its just another piece.  

This past week I got a message from someone that I am no longer friends with, that I have not heard from in years.  They said how they had been thinking of me, asked how the kids and I were.  It was shocking.  And its sad but my first thought was like oh you haven't forgotten about me.  And a piece of my heart melted.  I replied with the general. I was good the kids were amazing I bought a house  I loved my job. Just outside surface things the response back was about missing when we both attended the same church,  and I taught in the children's department.  Missing that ?  I was miserable, and left in tears....did I just not share my thoughts ?  Did I quietly go away, because that seems to be what I am really good at.  I found myself wanting to tell the truth, the hurt, but I did not.  I played nice and I just wish her the best.  She was the same person who was going through a book with me and when things got rough,  I was forgotten dropped like a hot potato and nothing was ever said again, that makes my heart sad. I don't want someone to get to know me then get in there, get in my heart only to once again leave.  I know that people have things going on, I know that, I just ask to be remember sometimes, I just ask that my heart, my needs be considered.  I love her there is a place in my heart but it hurts.

And there is a friend that I love dearly, that I fear I am just pesky.  She has a faith that I admire that I marvel at each time she speaks. I don't understand her faith, I feel like its something so out of reach, its something I don't have, never have had.  She is going through a really hard time, her mom is fighting brain cancer.  My heart breaks for her, I don't have any words to make her feel better and that breaks my heart. She is putting everything in god's hands.   I don't understand that faith she recently wrote "I know that God is good and can heal her at anytime."  And my thoughts run in a million different directions.  What happens when I don't believe that god is good all the time.  I don't believe that I have been heard I don't believe that , I don't believe those things and it scares me, it breaks my heart.

And I know there is a difference between church, people and religion and god.  Those are all very separate things and  I feel more than let down by all of them.

Church: So Church is just the building.  Another building where people come together.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Nothing wrong with the building its just another space.  I have been in some places and felt the utmost sense of calm.  And I have been in places that give me the chills.  I have been in safe churches and very unsafe churches . Again its just a building. Just a building.  

People: Then there is the people in the building just people normal everyday people they are no better than anyone else.  They have a heart, they have a soul.  The thing is I expect those people to be kinder gentler and more understanding and they are not because, they are just people.  I do believe that there are some people that are good but they are good with church or no church. Some of the people that have hurt me the most are people that were everything church and god and religion and nothing good kind and safe and I don't know how to balance those two things in my head.





Religion:  This is something I really want no part of .  For me there is nothing kind in religion.  Its about a set of rules that people claim to follow while they are in the building on Sunday then walk out doing everything opposite. Not everyone I have met some amazing people who do live what they say.  I know there are some.  They don't seem to stay around, because I have to much doubt.  I do not see religion as something that helps, I see it as something to control, something to control people make them afraid make them do exactly what is wanted.  I don't understand, it doesn't make sense to me.  Because once again I don't see the kindness.  In accepting others, in letting people be who they are.  I see only that people that do not believe in every rule and regulation are looked down on and often belittled.  That is not something that sits well with me.  I have always had so many questions, so many things that I haven't understood and no one has stuck around long enough to help me figure them out.

Then there is God.

And then comes the silence.  Because I just don't know.  I want more than anything to believe  in that kind of kindness , in that kind of love, in that kind of protection and I don't. I have not experienced that.  I really can not imagine the things that people talk about and how they view god as this helper and healer.  I see him as this amazing kind man who does a lot of great things .  I watch movies and I cry, like why can't I feel and believe in something like that.....And I think how can a man like that hear my prayers of wanting to die and do nothing.  How can a man know the things that were done to such a small child that will harm her forever and do nothing. How can a man know all the things that would happen in one single life, How can a man know that I will be raped and have two beautiful children and that be ok.  I do not understand those things. That is something that I don't understand.  I don't understand the suffering, the over and over of the things that have happened.  And that no one helped no one heard, and I had to grow up so very alone and more than afraid , those are the things that I can not get my brain around .  I don't understanding such suffering. I know that choice comes in and that there are things that God doesn't control.  And in no way do I expect all hurting to stop,  maybe I just don't want to have to do it alone.  Things get fuzzy here because there is just so much.  Here is where there are so many thoughts and feelings that they seem to blend in and run together and become completely incoherent.  I don't expect God to end suffering all together because plain and simple there are bad guys out there.  Maybe its in the having to do it all alone that tears at my heart.  So alone, and no answers to rough really rough questions, that maybe there are not any answers to.  And one conversation , two maybe one hundred isn't enough. Because this heart of mine needs a constant that will stay and support and guide and be kind even in the roughest moments.


It gets old fighting all the time.  Fighting for something that you aren't even sure that is something meant for you.  I find my peace , my center, in the sunset, in the birds, in whales, in laughing, in being kind, in being helpful, in feeling the breeze.  Those are the things that speak to me.  The ocean oh the ocean speaks to me in so many ways. Children oh yes they speak to me their innocent little hearts they should run the world.  Maybe I just need to stop fighting and just breathe in what I am sure of.

I know so very much, Maybe that is just what I am meant to do because in fighting there is too much hurt and I will not add any more.  This is the point where I am, I just need to go with what speaks to me, Peace is every Step.  Maybe that will be ok. Because fighting for the faith is way to heavy for me to bare.

   Lincoln park : Heavy 

Pain Scales

You know I truly hate those scales because for someone like me we just can't use them.  Because for some a ten might be a toothache, to others a ten might be close to death.  Because My one may be someone else's off the chart. My ten maybe someones 6 feet under.  So yes I hate those scales because people take my 5, as well that's not bad when literally I have little breath left.  I think its all a matter of perspective.  All I know is my own pain scale and I don't even say a word until I am literally jumping off the scale.  And that is not a great place to be because people don't often understand the urgency of the problem.  If it hurts enough for me to talk about I need you to listen,  if i tell you to stop its because its off the charts and I really don't know how to get others to understand that.

When you grow up and things hurt, and you are in pain and no one notices, and no one listens you learn to deal with them.  You never say a word, you don't tell people, you just keep going.  So for me to say something actually say something, I need you to listen. I need you to hear and I need you to respect.  When I pull away, I am not being a baby, its not like a little oh that hurts; its painful and I need you to stop.  I only say a word when its something more than serious, when I need help when I can no longer do things on my own or deal with what is going on.  This is more than hard to explain to people really because people just don't understand.  I do not have a clue how to fix this how to make it better.

I know that I have always feared being one that complains all the time, being that one that something is always physically wrong.  I grew up in a house like that.  There were things wrong with my parents all the time.  I mean every second of every day and things were exaggerated and there were always more and more dr appointments.  I went exactly the opposite saying nothing was hurting and just ignore ignore ignore.

I know that there has got to be some kind of happy medium, being able to say when something hurts and that be ok it doesn't mean that you want attention or that you want people all around you making you feel better, that is not it.  If I tell you something hurts whether physically or emotionally that is really big.  And more often than not in my life my things that hurt have not been taken seriously or others have thought I am over-reacting when really the problem is that that the load has gotten to heavy to carry and I need help.  I need support I need someone to be there and lend an ear.  I need someone to hear and see where I am coming from with no excuses for any other thing or person.  My feelings my pain are there its real and there is no excuse or action in the world , no words that, no sticking up for other people that will make it go away.  It's there its real its my own and the pain that I feel the things that have been done and said hurt,  there is never any excuse or lack of understanding or looking the other way that will help a crushed heart.  Never.  Just understand where I am and see the pain acknowledge it,  see me.  That is all.

You can't find peace until you find all the pieces

I heard this tonight and it stopped me in my tracks.  I long for peace for more than anything that feelings of being comfortable in your own skin.  More often than not I don't like being in my skin and would do almost anything to pretend that it doesn't even exist.  I feel like there are still pieces that are missing I think that I have the border strong and together, I have those outside pieces to keep everything inside the boundaries but there are lots of things that are still floating around with no place to call home.  Sometimes I am able to rest in those outside and think wow, things are so together but then I take a look or get to part with very few pieces or a lot of pieces that don't seem to fit and I get overwhelmed. There are pieces that I have put together but there are also things that are missing.

And I believe that a huge part of that is that I have never felt whole.At different times there have always been things missing but not just little things but really big things. There have always been pieces missing from as early as I can remember.  Things were taken before I even knew who I was; so trying to find all those pieces is  even more difficult because I didn't even start with the entire puzzle.  There are pieces that I have have to fill in with no background, pieces that I have to imagine and yet still pieces that seem more than untouchable. Pieces that I long for tat I know are there but have no clue where they go or how they fit in.

I know that there is a part of me that keeps looking for that perfect puzzle piece that is going to make all the others fall into place and I just don't know.  And I use the word perfect meaning perfect for me. Meaning loyal people that are close, people in my everyday that can share the things that are important to my heart. I just don't have that and I more often than I feel welcomed I feel like a burden.  I feel like I am more than hard to love, and harder to like and even have around.  That is just not a good feeling.  I know that I will never stop looking for that piece, never ever but then I worry; am I setting myself up for something I have no chance of getting.   Am I looking for things that aren't even there ?  Am I looking for something a piece that is long gone ?  Am I looking for something that I had once and didn't even know it ?  I just feel like there are pieces that are missing from me.  Maybe it's in the lonely, maybe it's in the abuse, all the trauma.  Maybe there are just a few pieces that are long gone and will never be found and replaced I just don't know.  I just want to be comfortable in my own skin and know and feel that where I am is ok.  I don't want to have to look to others to find those answers.  I want to stand in who I am and what I have been through and know that my choices and my thoughts are ok.  I have said it before I need to be around people that have my interests I don't fit into many of the places that I have tried.  Each time I get the courage to try again and think that maybe there is a chance for me to belong, I get crushed.  So as I have said in a post a week or so ago I am open and ready but I can't be the one reaching out.  I can't be the one with a hand out asking for help because I just can't do the heartache nor do I want to.  I would rather be on my own than feeling like I am a buden than feeling like I am so hard to love.  Those are feelings that I have all the time on my own and feeling them with others that is not a fun place to be.  If a person has to try to love me, try I don't want any favors.  I want what is true and genuine and honest and real.

Maybe this is a time of finding more pieces.  I can say that I have found more pieces than I ever imagined I would have but I need more. I need more pieces of peace. I would always say that to James, I found another piece of peace.  Maybe its time to start turning some more pieces over to find those things that I am most looking for.   I want then entire puzzle put together, and I won't stop searching.  I am worth that,  I am worth searching for.  I have so much to give.

Here's to the pieces left to find, left to unfold 

I heart your heart 

On Politics and religion a personal perspective

You know I have wanted to write this for some time, for a long time about this and I just couldn't.  I don't understand unkindness, I don't understand stupidity I don't understand ignoring the victim I don't understand so many things.  I am not a political person nor am I religious.  Just me just the facts.  I love with my whole heart ask questions with my whole heart and believe in the little things around me.  I believe in the birds singing, I believe in laughter. I believe in being a good person and doing the right thing.

The election was hard for me  I remember when president Obama was elected.  I was in bed when they announced he had won.  I cried, I was excited that our country was changing that our country was becoming one that our country was a place where all things could happen.  I was excited for my children having a biracial president was something that touched my heart.  I liked him as a man as a father, the kindness that he possessed , that is what I admired.  I am not one about public policy or those things I look at the person.  Maybe that is stupid maybe Nieve but politics change with the weather but character of a person that is something that stays.  Their heart that is something that I see and that is what matters.  The pictures of him in the white house with his dogs his children,  he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, wanting to do the right thing.  I feel that he was an honest man trying to do what was best for all of us.  He had a heart a heart that loved a heart that cared. And then the election , I cried many times this was not a man with a kind heart, this was a man with violence in his heart, in his eyes.  The differences are many and I could go on forever.  I am tired of all the ways he is supported,  and how he treats those around him including women.  The words that have come out of his mouth are not things that I want to believe in and not things that I want my children to look up to. Being a sexual assault survivor and hearing his words,  I was truly speechless how is this ok ??  Why are those words able to come out of his mouth and people keep laughing.  They are not funny and anyone that has experienced it, can tell you just how painful that it is.  These are just my thoughts that swirl I don't understand and I am not sure that I ever will .  Its not the politics that I believe , or the party it is the man, and he will never be my president.  A man who hates and disrespects so many different people with out a second thought , just no never.    Its all so complicated really, there are no easy answers but I have to believe in heart and I don't believe he has any,  he may have power but no heart and with no heart there is no power because its heart that changes the world true heart.

And religion.  Once again I am not at all a religious person.  I do believe that I am very spiritual, I believe in the things around me the kindness of others, I believe in the birds singing and the gentleness of things that heal our hearts.  Maybe its not even religion its organized religion.  I have to many questions that make people uncomfortable. I take too much time that people don't have.  I have questions oh so many questions.  I have come to a point where where many say it is not good but its where I am and I can not keep fighting where I am longing for something and thinking that I have found it and then the disappointment , oh the disappointment, and I will not do that to my heart anymore.  I want to believe with my whole heart and I do believe but  there are pieces of me that doubt greatly.  That doubt its  there and its huge and yes a lot of it comes from the past I know that, I do .  The great doubt is something that I can not do on my own.  When doing church and religion I need a buddy I need someone by my side step by step inch by inch.  I know that what I need in a church is to much to ask.  My questions are overwhelming I understand but I can not do them on my own. People switch churches , like its nothing but to me its so much more.  I can not do church on my own and haven't found anyone who will do it with me so I stay on my own.  I believe in good things, I believe in good hearts, I hope oh I hope that someday I will find it but for now I can not keep searching for something that I just haven't been able to find.  Maybe the further I move in healing and people chose to stay maybe them maybe just maybe I will get the chance to have someone stand by me even in my doubt and encourage and stand beside me in all the moments of that doubt good and bad.  Maybe just maybe.  I believe in the things that I have felt the people that have walked along side me,  the pelican that showed up on my balcony and every morning I was there that Summer.  I believe in my favorites who believe in me and all my craziness . Who showed me what its like to be truly loved. I believe I in the right place for now,  I keep waiting looking for that person or people to come beside me push me along encourage me and stay oh I just want people to stay in my everyday and its not there.  This all seems so complicated to even put into words.  Sometimes things are just more complex and harder than any words could address.

Often I am not sure what I am looking for the things that I need.  Most often in this life things were not given freely, I had to do things on my own.  My world is full of complexity and I think sometimes what I need more than anything is just someone being there because there are no words. You know yesterday was Easter and I didn't go to church it doesn't feel right for me.  All day there were people posting about family and church and god and that wasn't the case for me I don't believe those things.  I watch movies that depict Jesus and it hurts my heart, the things that that man went through but do I believe he did that for me ???  that is where I get lost.  The kindness and compassion that I see in those movies that is what I want more than anything.  That peace and kindness and that just wasn't in my early life and has not been a constant.  I struggle with how things were as a child, how they are now and begging pleading for someone to come into my life and stay and yet I am still alone.  I am not sure there is one person that can heal this heart that can take the pain that can make me whole again.  So I step back still open and hope that someday someway I can find the things that I long for.

In the telling

So I think that there are things that I want to write that are not post-able that are just my very own inner thoughts.  And really who reads my madness anyway.  Or they read it and they say nothing; nothing changes and I am still doing it on my own so here goes for this month and things I hold in my head.  The history the trauma, the nightmares, the triggers the feelings in my bones.  The loneliness, the need, oh I need to much.  The daily memories, the not understanding why there is such a need to tell to be heard to be understood.  Why I dream of turning back the clocks and imagining never ever being hurt.  The days that I dream of standing up and saying proudly yes this happened to me, I was raped.  I have been raped from the time that I was five starting with my father. I want to say that with out any shame.  I may share some, share parts, I just want to be rid of the shame the embarrassment of the things that have happened.  I long for a day when I don't feel other, and less than.  Those are daily occurrences,   I know that I have come far but there are moments in time when what you have left feels like Mt. Everest.  This month it feels like I am at the bottom, looking up and the need to want to reach out for someone to help you up that hill is huge then you think who would want to be here and do this with me and I start to climb, write and figure out how in the hell I am going to make it to the other side, in hopefully one piece.   As recovery goes I get up these mountains and realize I conquered one but there is always another one to climb. The life living through trauma.  I want to think I am not alone, I know that there are many others, where is my other to help me over the mountains and valley's of making it through this life where so much has happened.  Hard month, it will get better, it always does and it always hurts.

I heart your heart and wish there was someone for mine.

April 8, 2017

So yea the plan was to write each day this month how I am affected things are going on in my heart and I can't seem to make myself write.  I can't even make myself feel much of anything lately.  Things are good in life.  But that fucking sadness that is ever present is always there.  I get disappointed when I want to share and I am met with silence, I don't understand that when all I want in the world is to be heard is for all the things that I have been through to be acknowledged.  Because I never had a life before Sexual Assault that is all I have ever known.  So there is no before its in finding who and what that I am now.  That is so much easier said than done because much of this journey has to be done on your own.  Well for me its been mostly on my own there are times when you are held supported but I need just so much that people get tired , leave, can't handle it or completely look the other way.   I have a few people but they are far there is no one in my everyday,  no one to catch the tears no one to ease the heart .  Today is heavy, the Burden is heavy and I feel it in my bones.  My bones still feel the assaults did you know that was possible to still feel what has happened to you after all this time it is and its agony.

There are days I feel the weight, the heaviness, the sensation of being far away.  There are days when I wake up and still can't move.  There are nights that the nightmares are so intense I wake up in a sweat like the danger is more real than it was ever.  There are times I sit straight up thinking that someone is waiting lurking waiting for me to drop my guard.  There are days I can't even stand to be touched because its just to much.  There are days when the pictures don't stop and there is absolutely

nothing that I can do.  Those are the things that happen that are a part of daily life and people wonder why I am weird ???  I can't even tell you what I need anymore,  I need to learn to just stay quiet, its easier on my heart.

April 3, 2017

So I am writing this just for me the things that are inside my heart the things that I need to say.  Because just because. I need to I need to get them out, I need to be understood I want more than anything to be heard.  So each day this month I am going to write as much or as little that comes up and its my hope that once this month is over things may be a little clearer maybe what I want will be clearer maybe I will find someone and I won't have to do this on my own.

Because really the weight the heaviness of sexual assault is something that is to heavy for any man woman or child to carry on their own.  When really that is how it happens for most of us.  We carry it on our own.