Food

This totally says it all really and it makes me more than sad.  What is a person to do when food is the comfort because you know it will never ever hurt you and for sure it will never leave you. How does a person get to this place. This is where I am and I fear that it's getting worse.  Being thin scares the shit out of me getting heavier scares the shit out of me.  I am in this inbetween , and not sure what comes next. I am ready and want to make a change,  I don't have hundreds of dollars a month to make that happen.  I am tired, tired all the time . There is no rest and no peace. 

Food was always it since as long as I can remember, it was safe.  I could sit and enjoy a bowl of chips and nothing else in the world mattered.  They were amazing, I wasn't alone and they wouldn't hurt me.  And that is where the problem lies because with few friends and the ones you did have leave :food is the friend.  Food doesn't speak hurtful words, tell you to get over it, that you take too much time, that you are too odd to be a part.  Food is there with me in the silence and the celebrating and when nothing is in your heart there is a salty snack or piece of cake to fill the void.  So finally speaking this is hard.  It makes me cry,  it hurts my heart.  And I don't have a clue where to go or what to do with this.  I am not a poster child look at ma look at me. In all honesty if I could get skinny and wear a fat suit I would.  I just want to do it for me for the kids.  Staying where I am scares me, I worry about my heart.  I go to Jan next month and will ask her.  There has to be a way for me, and as scary as it is.  This is something that I want.  It;s almost like a restart button you know.  A fuck you to all those that have left me out and made me feel less than.  I have so much to share and there are things n this ife that I still want to do for me. 

I heart your heart.