June 17

So today is about me really.  Things I have never known things that I have been lucky enough to get a glimpse of.  It's unbelievable all the things that my father has missed out on. It's even more amazing the person that I have become despite the awful evil man. This year seems to be hitting me harder than normal, I don't have a reason or explanation other than maybe this year its ok to say and feel the things that are in my heart today.  

I think that I miss that unconditional love the most.  But maybe that has nothing to do with a father.  I guess you can't miss what you have never had, Right? But I do, I so do.  I miss that there is no one to take care of me.  I miss that I don't have that connection that bond. Knowing that I have someone that is all mine to go to forever and ever I can not even imagine what that is like. My heart is mad that I was cheated of those things.  I was never that apple in someones eye, that princess that a dad would do anything to protect, that little girl that could do no wrong.  I miss a  feeling that honestly has never been mine; that safety and protection, that someone would do anything for you.

Today is just one of those days that you can not get away from every tv show, post on facebook, every grocery store they are all promoting this day and grateful for all of the good ones out there.  WHat about the awful terrible ones ?  What about those kids who didn't get all the things that were needed.  Those kids who are now grown up and can not imagine in an entire life time someone hurting their children.  ME; ME; I am stuck in that place.  And I feel like there is no acknowledgement for that at all. Not one person will reach out to me today, not even for a second and that makes me sad but also has to be ok.  I am strong, I am brave and I will get through this day alone. It's one of those suffer in silence kind of days because there is no rule book on Father's Day when the man that is to be celebrated was nothing but hurtful.

I try to imagine being that important that special and I honestly do not have a clue.  I think that there have been a few people who have stepped up and I do believe that the things I have felt towards them are things that a daughter might feel.  It's a kindness a safety that I can not even begin to explain.  I have felt that with Neil.  When he touched my face,  oh my goodness that moment, I felt such a great amount of sadness and safety and care and I can imagine that might be what its like to have a true father.  I sent Neil a message today, I can not even put into words what he means. I know that he isn't my dad but in those moments that is the closest that I have ever come.  I want to be special just because I am, for no other reason than just because I am/



I don't feel like i have ever been valued or been special and I know that my heart longs for that. I can remember so much of feeling like nothing as a child growing up under my father, and that's a sadness that I am not sure ever totally goes away.  Because you see as a 43 year old woman the things that are ok for a little girl to want and need just are not ok later in life.  Needing that direction and safety and support of a father just are not ok and a person like me is left to try to fill those holes on their own.  I can try to fill them my entire life but the things that I know are nothing like the things I need and long for.  Him screaming at me for being afraid, the pity parties and everything being about him.  The words that I was costing him too much money.  The degrading abuse that he inflicted on me.  The yelling oh the yelling, the taunting and the teasing, the terrible comments, the lack of privacy, the hate that my father had for me those are the things that I know.  Him making comments to other people about what a bitch that I was.  He would make comments on my body, He was a truly awful man. Truly truly an awful man.

This year its more than hard.  Because I don't have people to celebrate.  I don't have people to buy presents for.  I send Neil a message and of coarse he responded.  Goodness I hope he knows that he means the world to me.  And I sent a text to another he is drifting away but oh I wish him good things I am grateful.  Even if I am not acknowledged this day, at least I will know in my heart that those that mean the world to me ; they were acknowledged and that is a good thing I can feel good about.


I am not sure that there was ever a moment that I felt I could just run and have someone there.  That oh my goodness catch me when I fall person.  I guess at my age thats a given but I see pictures and I think I wonder what the little girl is thinking I wonder what the father is thinking if her.  There are times I am grateful that some children do truly have that.  Other times I wonder if its real at all.  And other times there is that dread because I wish that I had that.  And I wish that my children were able to have that awesome dad that would make everything better for them. Somedays I want to crawl in a ball and have someone make it all go away, make everything better.  All my life all I have had is myself.  There was never a rescue never  a protector.  Someday I hope that feeling will go away.  Someday I hope to learn that it's ok, to be where I am .

 I doubt that I will ever talk to the man that is my father ever again.  I have been hurt more than words and have endured unimaginable things at his hands.  I can tell you that I want to know when he dies, and I want to see him dead in his coffin.  And when that happens there will be such a great relief for me, and I will say the things that I was never able to say in life.  I will come and cry for the man that I wanted him to be but was not. I will go there if I have to walk alone to make sure that not another living soul will ever be hurt by his hands again.



I do wonder what he does on this day.  Does he think about my brother and I. Does he feel sorry that he was no there does he feel anything for us?  I am not sure that I care but I do hope that he thinks about us and I hope that it hurts his heart because we are the people that we are because of nothing that he ever did for us.  I wonder if he talks abou us I wonder if he even tells people that he had children.  I hope he tells them what a monster of a man that he was. I hope he tells them that he is a rapist, child molester , I hope he tells them that . I do not forgive him, I do not wish him well and I wish with all that I am that he longs for us even a small amount of the damage that was done by his own two hands to his own children.  You broke me , you Broke the little girl that I was ...I was always stronger than he ever was. 

They say that pain changes people; that I totally understand.  I do not know the little girl that I would have become if I wasn't raped and abused by him.  I don't know what my teenage years would have been like if I had been valued and respected.  I DO know that I am a very different person because of the father that I had . I can not tell you a thing about the person I would have been been, if I had a good dad.

I can tell you that the person that I am today, the person that I am becoming is everything kind, and loving and thoughtful.  I am everything spunky, and sarcastic, and genuine.  I know what its like to have a father like mine and I know the things that I never want to be.  I may have to fight my entire life to get the me that I want , the pain that I have endured has scarred my heart but I love with everything that I am,  I give what I have and make sure that as long as I am around no child, no student no friend will ever feel the things that my father made me feel while he was a part of my life.  The Pain that you caused my heart,  ; you literally broke my little heart.  But I am a woman with a voice and you had no part in the woman that I am. For that I am grateful.


I heart your heart.