Not Just ME but Black

I find myself not knowing what to write and not knowing what to say.  I sent someone an email asking what in the world I am supposed to do, Poor guy. If you are reading this I am sorry, I honestly didn't know what else to do. 

I think things are different for my children they have challenges all the way around. Single mom, not the most traditional family, crazy relatives, a mom with a trauma history, overprotective,   I can only hope that I have made the right decisions.  I have not thought about it much, but last week things began to get heavier, things began to get bigger and I can not carry them anymore. Yesterday Vincent  getting his hair cut, I could have burst into tears.



My children are Bi-Racial and I think that is something that I have largely ignored.  But at the same time been aware of.  There have been comments their entire life!  n the hospital, In stores I have been asked are they yours ?  I have been asked if they were adopted. I have been asked oh what are they mixed with.  Sometimes very rudely with out any thought about my heart at all. They are just my Vincent and Mariska and that is all that matters. They are mine, they are what matters, and nothing else.  They are everything perfect and the best part of me. They are mine, a part of me and that is all that matters. ALL THAT MATTERS  Oh my heart what if that isn't all that matters ? What if there needs to be at least acknowledgement that there is another side ?  How does that work,  I am sure it will break my heart.

I was working on paperwork this week and saw that one of my students, had put African American as his race.  In that moment the world stopped.  I had so many questions,  how did they make that choice,  did they consider anything else ?  My world stopped and like a rush of the oceans so many questions came rushing in.   His mom is African American and his dad is White. And I looked and looked again ?  And I wondered OMG,  did I do the right thing.  I put caucasian on my children's birth certificate.  Their school papers,   Caucasian.  Because for me and how were they conceived,  that african american part didn't doesn't  mean anything. He (Charles) was not a good guy , he hurt me , he didn't listen  But what if I am wrong ?  What if it does matter ?  What if my children see that he is a part of them ?

I think part of my fear is  what do I do if they do?? It breaks my heart, literally hurts me . With all that I am I just want to do what id right for them.  What will make their heart happy.

I heart your heart.