My Side

You know that seems to be the problem and what hurts my heart. I want people that are on my side that hear my story.  When that doesn't happen I get broken.  When there is no understanding no outstretched arms, when there is nothing I shrink a little for some time.  I truly and honestly do not understand.  There are so many things that are in my heart that I want to say but the syllables are not coming together, because its more than sad I feel like I am never the one that is chosen.  And I am aware that I am hard to love and that I get emotional and I am needy and I am a lot of things that are not the best.  That makes me sad; I am never enough to be someones favorite. Maybe for a short time, sometimes even years but then I am left like I never meant a thing.
The problem with that is that they are still my everything, I take that back WERE, and I can not tell you the sad that is in that.

I am one that needs to be reached out too. I will bend over backwards caring for your heart making sure that you are ok and I want to find someone like that for me.  With no excuses no unkind words, no judgement just being there with me exactly where I am.  I am more than Sorry that I don't fit into peoples mold.  I don't have money for products and there are the words well let me know when you are ready and they don't understand your bank account is -100 and that was not even everything was paid.  The people that tell you that God is the only way , "have you not heard all the things that I have said to you".Are you listening to me ?  I have been more hurt by things and people church related that I will not risk my heart getting any more cracks.  I do not believe in those things and have the faith that works for you. Never once have I asked you to believe in something that hurt you to your core and it's not fair that I am asked to do that.  I have shared that religion and god and church those are not things that are meant for me , are there times that I miss that connection sure, but it's just not me. I have tried to explain ho I have reached out and tried and I am ALWAYS yes ALWAYS in every sense of the word left. I will not be in a place where people talk about love and acceptance and all I have found is that once again I do not fit into that world.  Don't you dare talk to me about LOVE and yet leave me out for the thousandth time.  Don't invite me to a church gathering then leave me when I tell you that is not for me.  I understand that is your belief and that is your life but it's not mine, and there is nothing wrong with that !!  Invite me to lunch, come over to see my new house , smile and laugh at the things that make me me, don't leave me out for one piece of who I am not.

It takes a few seconds to let someone know that you are thinking about them, and that means everything.  It also takes a few seconds to see a picture and know that you were not even a thought. I want to be someone's thought and I want to be remembered even if I am not able to attend. I am done with others making excuses for peoples behavior.  When you are more than hurt you are crushed and no one even asks about those feelings but are there with excuses for the one who crushed your heart, that is never ok.  And it sounds terrible like I am some kind of Gem I know that I am not believe me but my heart is different more tender, a little more bruised and it needs more gentle not excuses.   

I have been broken by people when they know they need to be gentle. They need to give extra thought to my thoughts and feelings, my heart. Because I am strong I am brave I am all those those tough things that make it in this world but at night when things get quiet when I feel and realize that there is no one; my heart breaks and a simple little Hello thinking of you would mean the world.  So at this moment, there are no shoulders to cry on.  There are no people to turn to and my heart feels that heavy but I can hope that someday I will find another.  Because loving someone  should not hurt. And just should not break my heart.  I want to be loved well exactly where I am.  Even in the sad, the hurt, the joy and the gladness I want to be loved in it all even if it is not understood. I have my own journey and I have to do what is right for me. Anyone who knows my heart knows where I am coming from, and how grateful and genuine that I am. If that is not enough, I have to move on.  I need people to be ok where I am. Join me on my journey, let's take detours together but don't push your journey. I am asking you to take The Silences, The Hurt the Happiness, The Weirdness and embrace it all .  All OF ME, because that  is all I have.  

I heart your heart .

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