Some things can't be spoken

Some days are harder than others. Some days the kids ask questions about my life and what it was like growing up and my heart hurts.  Because some days I just can't talk about it. Well I could but its too heavy for them, and its more than I want to open in the moment. Somedays I just can't, they don't understand the life that I lived and some days I just want to focus on the good things that they have. I want them to talk ans share their memories.  It's crazy because there are times that my mom is in the room and she doesn't have a clue and she makes her comments but even she doesn't understand or realize the things that I had going on . I often feel like she didn't see me at all.  That makes me more than sad.  Yes, she did the best with what she had but that just wasn't enough.


 Vincent made some comment about me being social or I guess lack of being social and that stuff hurts my heart truly.  I do wish that things were different for me growing up and sometimes talking about it is just a reminder of the things I didn't get to experience and it makes me sad.  Vincent talks about friends and parties and I don't get that.  I was the one never invited with never any true friends to share things with.  I was the school odd ball and add that to all the hurt and abuse that I had going on and life for me as a teen was purely brutal.  I was a misfit that no one saw, no one heard and no one understood. I was scared all the time.  I even ate lunch in the library.  I was all alone almost all the time. Yea let that sink in All alone, Almost all the time.  I was made fun of and picked on that was my life.  I was looking for happy a place where I belonged and yet I never quite fit in ANYWHERE.

I was weird, I thought different things I had safety and survival on the brain every second of every day. When those are the things you focus on you are different. I saw things and experienced everything different. I was always the observed having to be prepared and ready for what might come at me.  There was no care free fun and friends those were things that were for other people.  I watched high school go by I was a nobody.  I was the fat chubby kid that asked for what happened to me.  I was the outcast that wanted attention.  Who would want to do things to me.  Right ??  I took in everything going on around me and knew that if they knew my life they would want nothing to do with me.  No dances, no dates no friends. Dreading pep rallies because there was no one to sit with.  I was the loner, forever and always, outside always looking in never a part.  Yes, that was my experiences of high school.




I learned really fast to do all the things that were asked, the things that were expected but there was nothing inside but SHAME.  I remember all these things and feelings like they were yesterday and these are the things that I won't share with my children at least not now. Maybe someday sitting on the beach as they get older and have their own families.  But for now there is no point.  I wil do everything that I can to make sure that they have the things that I didn't have. I want them to enjoy every second and experience all the things that high school has to offer.  I worry for them oh so much,  but I also know that things are more than different.  They don't have the same burdens to carry , not to say that they don't have any theirs are different but they don't carry those that I did.  I want so much for them.  I want them to be a part and not an outsider. I want them to find their people and laugh be stupid, have fun those are the things that I want for them.  In my wanting all those things for them I smile and remain quiet about what it was like for me.  It's better not to burden their heart and better not to break mine wide open, because some days it still hurts like it was yesterday. 


I heart your heart .