So yea there is a lot, a lot of things that are going on. I have learned a lot cried a lot . I feel like many things have changed, and many things are different. I know that I am different, changing letting things go and keeping other things even closer. I am learning that there is no forever. I am learning not to lean on forever, and that hard because I want it more than anything. People that you think are always can be gone just like that. I am tired of people saying to ask for what you need I am finding that doesn't work for me. I have tried in the past and yea that didn't work. I tried recently and yes that didn't work either I was just reminded of all the time that I have taken and the hours that were spent on me. All I asked was to be remembered in those moments that I was thought of. A quick thinking of you take care. Nothing more nothing less just that and it backfired. So this mid year update I am at a place of moving forward. I am in a place of doing what is right for me. Of not trying to hold on to those things that I have to fight for, love, friendship, self respect. Dare I even say I am finding that there of parts being in my skin that are just a part of who I am and maybe there is not a need to change, drop or make it into something else. Yes, there are things that I would love to be different but that quirky passionate, introvert, that is something that I am not willing to give up or change.
I have been unfriended, I have unfollowed. If something hurts then why keep getting reminders of those places that you were not invited. The things that you were not included in. If I am not a friend anymore please do me a favor and unfriend me. I want people around that want to be and want me around. SO to do what is right for me. I don't do fake or strained. I love that song I hope your happy. And those that have recently more than let me down. I do hope the best, that they are happy but I can't keep fighting for a place in your world or with people that have never chosen me. I was never first. I was never a choice for them so I have taken myself out of the picture. OH that more than hurts but its less than the hurt of wanting to belong so much that you sacrifice yourself. I am not willing to do that anymore. I don't think that many of those people meant to break me. I think they were just thinking of themselves and forget to be a little kinder a little gentler, because we all know that I feel EVERYTHING, much deeper than is to be expected. Every lost note, left out lunch dae, unliked experience, forgotten important date I feel them to my bones and I don't want to be ignored anymore. I am tired of my experiences the things that are important to me being looked over. My experiences even the saddest ones deserve to be acknowledged even for the 12,000 time. Because you see it may be the 12001 time that makes it better, that makes it different that helps me breath a little easier in life. Believe me you so want to be there for those moments; when they aren't as big as they once were, and there is that lightening on my shoulders. Those are the moments that I am made of. I feel like I am coming into my own more, standing up for myself, doing things that are right for me. Its hard, it's really really hard. but I know things, I know what I am doing, I know that I have some really important things to say and to share. There is a lot of difference in this life left to make.
If you want to be in my life, I welcome you, I hope that you can take the ugly often messy life that is mine and join in. All I ask is that you also let me join yours even sometimes, to be invited to be needed, to feel like I belong those are the things that help my heart. In that mess there is love, and a great amount of passion for the things that I believe in. I will do anything for you and give all that I have. I have gotten to the point where I kept giving at any cost. That, , that is where the damage is done and no matter what you do or give you just don't matter, and that is a place that no one really wants to be. There is a sense of where I am going and what I want and I won't stop until I get them. Like forever, I want a forever, my very own everyday forever, because I long for that as much as I need to breathe. I hold on too tight to things that used to work that used to care for my heart, in the end I am left and alone and I don't like that place.
Today I watching a movie and the girl laid her head on her dad. There is a safety and a knowing in that that I have never gotten to experience. I can not for the life of me imagine that feeling, having that protector and safety and knowing a single person would do anything to hold your heart and take care of it and then I realized I have never had that as a constant, I think that there were times that I felt in but in hindsight they were things that weren't mine. They were borrowed things and not meant for me. I want that. I want that feeling. And I think I hold on so tight every time that I think I have found it because its something that I have never ever had, and want it so very much.
But at the same time I need to stop looking for it in the wrong places. Looking for someone or something to fill the things that I am looking for. I tend to get comfy I think and eep looking in the same places if I didn't find it the first second or third time maybe it's time I try something different. Different people different places different things. There are pieces of me that will always be there a huge part of who I am but I have come so fat to stop. If I am not finding those things that I want so much then I just have to keep searching. I am not a quitter that's for sure , but stepping out of my comfort zone that is something totally different. I just want to be safe and I want to know that my heart will be taken care of .
Then there is the day. Today marks the last day of Vincent and Marisk'a middle school years. At 12:40 pm I will officially have two freshman in the house. That is terrifying and exciting. I know that they are awesome people, I know that they are going to do amazing things. I know all those things but there is a sad part, a purely selfish part. They are growing up, creating their own lives. Next year is a big year . Their life is so very different than the one that I lived, and I am grateful for that. I wish that Mariska was not so much like me, and in many ways she is her own person, I just want her happy. My heart literally hurts I love them so much. I never imagined love like this. And they are mine. We have good things ahead of us. A summer of chilling, swimming, playing games being together,netflix. All those things, and I could not ask for more.
I heart your heart
If you want to be in my life, I welcome you, I hope that you can take the ugly often messy life that is mine and join in. All I ask is that you also let me join yours even sometimes, to be invited to be needed, to feel like I belong those are the things that help my heart. In that mess there is love, and a great amount of passion for the things that I believe in. I will do anything for you and give all that I have. I have gotten to the point where I kept giving at any cost. That, , that is where the damage is done and no matter what you do or give you just don't matter, and that is a place that no one really wants to be. There is a sense of where I am going and what I want and I won't stop until I get them. Like forever, I want a forever, my very own everyday forever, because I long for that as much as I need to breathe. I hold on too tight to things that used to work that used to care for my heart, in the end I am left and alone and I don't like that place.
Today I watching a movie and the girl laid her head on her dad. There is a safety and a knowing in that that I have never gotten to experience. I can not for the life of me imagine that feeling, having that protector and safety and knowing a single person would do anything to hold your heart and take care of it and then I realized I have never had that as a constant, I think that there were times that I felt in but in hindsight they were things that weren't mine. They were borrowed things and not meant for me. I want that. I want that feeling. And I think I hold on so tight every time that I think I have found it because its something that I have never ever had, and want it so very much.
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