I feel like this day deserves some kind of acknowledgement; some kind of celebration; Though I honestly don't know the what , how or why . Twenty years ago a plea was taken in my case against my father, EXACTLY 20 years ago today, It was a Monday ; 7,305 days ago. Sometimes it still feels like yesterday. Other days it was lifetimes ago. I have finished college, had my children and bought my own house since then. I have come so far but that plea deal is a black cloud. Today there will be no flowers, no balloons no celebrating the finality of what it was that I did 20 years ago.There is just this quietness, and an end to what was such a long Journey. I somehow survived the legal process; alone often not knowing how. I know in my brain that there was nothing left for me to do, there was no fight left after doing it by myself for close to two years. I was scared and alone and was so glad it was over, there was a relief no more asking of details, no more attorney's no more Detectives. But those were also the people that held my heart during that time. Finally today I am coming to an understanding that for all these years I have felt guilty that I "took a plea" when really, it was the DA's choice and not mine. Sure they ask, "Do you want to take this plea ?" They make me think that it was my choice. But after many conversations with Neil they probably had no intent on even going to trial at all. So asking if I wanted to take a plea was kind of a nicety that they were going to take anyway, pretending like I had some kind of choice.There really wasn't a sense of closure for me. Because just like that everything stops. All the outside questioning and bravery boils down to a stupid plea. I woke up that day preparing to go to court, thinking about having to testify with him in the room. Thinking about how others were going to take the things they would have to hear. I went over and over the things I was and wasn't supposed to say and do. I worried about remembering what hand I was supposed to hold up as they asked if I promised to tell the truth. All the correct responses, all my answers on my statement and interviews were running through my mind. I worried about my mother and brother having to testify, the questions they would be asked, the things they would have to hear had happened to me. That first degree felony with imprisonment up to 99 years, the weight of that was incomprehensible. I wondered if I would feel anything, if I would be sad , if I would feel bad for him. I had pictures of the courtroom playing in my head, the little room where I would have to wait, where he would be sitting, where each attorney would sit. I knew that I was on my own , and had to be strong to protect especially Little Angela, and any child that he could possibly come in contact with. I wanted to save the world from the monster that I knew my father to be. I thought about my uncle who was abused who had said the words to my DA :"If you make me fly to Texas I will make him look like a fucking saint on the stand" I repeated that in my head and wondered if he would have made my case stronger, I wondered if he could have made the difference. The DA knew just how hostile that he would be and didn't even want him to testify. He knew the things my father was capable of and yet was to afraid to come forward; was to afraid to do the the right thing. All he thought about was himself, and that was something I just couldn't do.
The gravity of the aloneness that I felt during this time was unimaginable, it was me against the world, a very cold cruel evil world at that. I wanted to scream at everyone just how unsafe this man was. I wanted people to understand , that I did this to keep others safe. If it was just me, I know that I never would have walked into that police station. I felt like everyone was making excuses, and wanting the easy way out . Me, I just wanted to make sure that no other little girl would have to grow up like I did. I never wanted any other little to ever feel the things that I did growing up. I never wanted another little to grow up being silenced believing that she was worth nothing.
I can remember standing in the hall of my Mother's house with that blue wall. I had just gotten out of the shower my hair was still dripping wet. My brother was laying on the floor with his feet up on the TV stand. I had just gotten off that call with the DA. My mother was standing there by the blue wall, and I don't remember my exact words, It was something along the lines of we took a plea. I remember her giving me a hug, and saying that she was so glad that it was all over. I stood there my world spinning, everything I had done, all the sacrifices I had made come to this moment. I was in a state of numbness, I was relieved it was over, but what did that mean! It meant that they took a plea for a lesser included offense, meaning that you would get more jail time if you had an animal cruelty charge. That is exactly what that meant. I remember the DA saying well its basically the same thing only he won't have to register as an offender. Basically the same thing ; no not even close. You saw my statement do you really think that's a good idea we have seen the patterns of what he has done to children, yet you want a case you can win ! The nature of the beast right. I stood there in the hall frozen my brother not even acknowledging the news, my mother relived that it was all over for her and me feeling like I had let the entire world down.So for me there was nothing, nothing was over because he was still out there on probation. The monster got probation. He got almost 2 years probation and a fine. I tried to go back to Normal I went back to school to complete my first semester at UNT. I tried to move on but I was falling apart. Because for me taking a plea was a complete failure because I wanted him in prison for a very long time knowing there was no chance of him hurting anyone else. I worried, I cried I made sure that I knew where he was and what he was doing. He did break probation and ended up doing almost 2 years in Jail, and the DA forgot to tell me, I found out on my own. I was someone who slipped through the cracks. So much happened in that mean time and I ended up flying to Boston to testify for that little girl Angela, because once he got out of jail he moved them all up north. I didn't care where he went , that fight in my soul to keep others safe and sound never stopped. Time went on, people didn't understand my fight. Often I was told that I was dragging this around. I didn't listen to one of them, and Finally little Angela was away from him. Her mothers rights were taken away.
And he always responds most kindly,
But legally, prosecutors have the authority to make that decision without the survivor’s consent.
I think it is likely that the prosecutors would have entered into a plea agreement in your case, even if you had pushed for a trial. In short, that decision was beyond your control.
Today, I am learning to be gentle and know there was nothing I could have done differently back then; its a process. I am learning to take in the fact that I did the hard part I filed charges and saw them through. I am learning to see the bravery and courage that I have in my very core.
So as the sun starts to come up today, it won't be acknowledged by anyone and there have already been tears. Lots of them. Me and who I am is going to revel in the fact that I chose to stand-up, I chose to make a difference and I will never stop fighting for others. I didn't take a plea, they handed it out. I am going to let myself have today, whatever it might hold and let that be OK. Tomorrow is a new day and I will be OK, I will continue to fight. But today be gentle on this Unacknowledged Anniversary.
I heart your heart.
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