Frozen

Being in my skin is often terrifying, there is such a choice

Be Numb and smile, it's OK I'm fine

Cry out the sadness, feel defeated, feel such SHAME

So much embarrassment for what we have survived
How does a person live through such things

This body that we can't escape

The Shame that is in every cell, every breathe and encompasses life 

I can feel cold; sometimes except when I was left no clothes laying by the back door ;no warmness besides the sun

I can feel hot; sometimes, but not in water 

I can still feel their hands, when I stop and just be, hands are everywhere
I close my eyes and they are there
 hands that were supposed to care

hands that were supposed to protect, and to be gentle

Hands I always notice hands, hands, hands

I sit still and feel danger in my bones
I try to breathe but its a waiting game for the next act of violence

It's an anxiousness comparable to death; I struggle to explain

I love life, feel joy and the feelings start to rise, I move and dread being seen.

When you are seen, it hurts, people take what isn't theirs

There was not a time growing up, where I was safe

I was not safe as a little girl as far back as I can remember

I was not safe as a teen, loss in abundance I would never be the same

I was not safe as an adult, things happen and I go far away

I eat to feel safe. Until it feels enough, Until I become enough for a time 

Better to feel full, than feel hands that steal your breath

better full And not completely empty, such loneliness

I am scared to feel, scared that the person underneath

Will crumble, crumble, crumble

A mind that struggles with the memories, the hands, the devastation of what is left behind

Sometimes there are glimpses, SOMETIMES 

Sometimes I imagine, I pretend that I like the skin I am in
that I take care of me and the girl that I was BUT

I can point out the very moment I decide to float away

Usually........

And What do I want......

I want to forget the hands, the hurt, the memory that haunts

The pictures I cant un-see,  the abuses burnt in every cell
I want to be me, just me, I want to live in my skin and feel safe and feel
like I am worthy.
I want to stick with those happy joyful moments, feeling them in my soul for more than a few minutes at a time
I want to believe that I deserve better, I deserve love and friendship
I deserve to be respected,  included and I deserve to have a voice
I want to scream from the rooftops until the need to scream is gone
I want to wear a skirt again , and feel safe and proud and pretty
I want to find a love that can hold me a little tighter on those days when my world comes crashing in
And laugh a little more on those days I come alive
I feel like a burden, yet want so much and I don't know if that is fair
So I keep fighting the pictures the memories, the people that choose not to understand
And someday I won't be a burden
but a women of courage and strength that rose from the ashes at a depth you can't imagine
And conquered the world.

That is what I want instead of being Frozen.

I heart your heart.